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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find the build up to Mother's Day difficult

27 replies

Exileinengland1999 · 10/03/2017 18:32

I have a crap relationship with my 'D' mother- she has always blames everything on me including her own unreasonable behaviour, treated me like a black sheep and generally takes no responsibility for her own actions.
So I hate the run up to Mother's Day- despite being a mum myself. I hate all the posts on Facebook saying how you should appreciate your mum while she is here and all the cards for 'best mother in the world' as I simply don't feel like that. It will just be another excuse for her to point out what is wrong with me and blame everything on me.
Aibu to ask if anyone else feels like this? Sometimes I find it really hard being the only one with a crap relationship with their mother

OP posts:

EnormousTiger · 10/03/2017 18:47

We never really celebrated it. My mother's view was it was a waste of time and it's been similar with my own children actually so it just passes me by. I might get a card but I am genuinely happy whether I get one or not. My mother is dead so no relationship there now either.

IamalsoSpartacus · 10/03/2017 18:49

my mother is dead. The official family view is that she was brave and bore terminal illness gracefully. My memory is of someone who did not respect any private boundaries, did not give me any autonomy over my decisions, and made me feel like a poor second place to my sister.

I deal with Mothers Day by looking at my friends whose mothering I admire, and honouring them.

Astro55 · 10/03/2017 18:50

My mums fine - I still hate the FB posts - just cringe!!!!

Unicorn81 · 10/03/2017 18:50

I hate mothers day too. I hate having to go along with it to please everyone else in the family and keep the peace. Hate buying her a card and gift as she doesnt deserve it. Always feel the sense of duty to take her for lunch, nothing to chat about.

I am the only girl and have 4 brothers, only one of my brothers gets a her a card, the rest get away with doing nothing, pisses me right off.

SistersOfPercy · 10/03/2017 18:51

So sorry Exile, YANU to feel like that at all, and I suspect many people dislike it for many different reasons.
I've asked to not do it this year, I had a very close relationship with my Mum and she died very suddenly a few weeks ago. It's difficult to see all the Mothers Day cards and gifts at the moment so I'm happy to bury my head in the sand for this year. My DC's are adults so fully understanding.

It's an individual thing isn't it whether you want to do it or not and I don't think you'd be judged for your reasons.

welshmist · 10/03/2017 18:54

I envy those with good Mothers and accept mine was not a good Mother, I enjoy my day with my own children and appreciate how good my DIL`S are.

nursebickypegs · 10/03/2017 18:58

I have a lovely Mum, but her Mum (my nana) passed away on Mothers Day in 2009 which was also my mums birthday. We don't celebrate it, and my mum often books a holiday away. She hates the constant social media posts, the lead up to it... you can't escape it.

MummyMuppet2x2 · 10/03/2017 19:00

I don't like it either. My mother was horrendous to me during my childhood, beating the crap out of me for some trumped up reason at breakfast nearly every day from the age of 4 - 7.

I buy her a card each year to try setting an example to my kids of how to respect one's elders. Otherwise I don't think I'd bother.

Witchend · 10/03/2017 19:03

I've a lovely mother, but I don't really make a fuss about it.

We may send her a card. I'll probably get daffodils from church. I may claim a lie in (any excuse for me!) but other than that we don't do it.

TeenAndTween · 10/03/2017 19:05

I'm an adopter. Very low key in this household.

DementedUnicorn · 10/03/2017 19:22

I hate the fucking day. The last way I want to spend a free Sunday is pretending I'm so grateful she was a good mother. I'm not. She certainly wasn't

bananafish81 · 10/03/2017 22:05

If I hated Mother's Day after I lost my Mum, I really really hate it after losing our baby

Original poster

Exileinengland1999 · 10/03/2017 22:08

Really sorry @banana

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 10/03/2017 22:09

I have no time for Mothers Day, I don't bother buying my own Mother a card, she was pretty rubbish at the job if I'm honest.

I've never been bothered about cards or gifts from my own children either, it's over hyped bollocks.

ZackyVengeance · 10/03/2017 22:54

I ignore it now
I have no mum, dd is reliant on care staff remembering to help her send me a card.
Will just buy my self a drink and a treat

elodie2000 · 11/03/2017 08:30

We don't go in for Mother's Day in a big way here. Just a card.
Try not to overthink it... The people who go OTT are buying into all of these manufactured 'days' IMO. Just let it pass you by.

elodie2000 · 11/03/2017 08:34

Just to add... The card I send is always a 'blank- own message' card- I can't bear the Mother's Day poem rubbish. Use your own words or don't use any.

OhTheRoses · 11/03/2017 08:34

Mums ok here, not brilliant, children have been variable with cards etc over the years. I prefer to think of it as Refreshment Sunday had way between Lent and Easter, traditionally a break from abstinence. We have a slap up lunch, cake and fizzy wine so it's special for everyone.

Original poster

Exileinengland1999 · 11/03/2017 09:16

@elodie yes, I always go for blank cards because none of the poems are appropriate. I just don't feel that way about her at all. Unless it was a 'thanks for making my life one big guilt trip, for never taking any responsibility and for making me feel like I was wrong my whole life'

OP posts:

OhTheRoses · 11/03/2017 09:27

That card would do me exile. Funny thing is, the card and flowers matter to my mother but it isn't about being a mother it's about having them on the mantelpiece to show off. She has no cognizance of love for love's sake x

karigan · 11/03/2017 09:33

I have the same issue with cards. I have to go hunting for one without any gushing tributes regarding being best friends, everything I ever needed or thanking her for all her hard work. It isn't true and it makes me uncomfortable sending one like that. But if I send nothing I get hours of drunk text messages telling me how shit I am.followed by calling everyone we know mutually inc my MIL to rant about how worthless and selfish her daughter is.

Original poster

Exileinengland1999 · 11/03/2017 09:37

@ontheroses same here- it's all about the flowers and cards but not about the actual parenting for my mother. She's actually an hour away this weekend visiting her husbands grandkids but isn't bothering to come and see her own grandkids even tho it's one of their birthdays today. She normally lives a 7 hour drive away in the north and sees them twice a year.

OP posts:

Sung · 11/03/2017 09:40

As a child I always found it a bit sad - as my mum had died. When I was older I was a bit irritated by it, as the expectation was a card and gift for my stepmother. I was delighted that my dad remarried and I had a mother figure for the first year or so (I think - still a child) but then I realised she was a real nasty streak. She's dead now and there was a definite sense of relief the first mothers day after that when I did have to 'pretend' - think it was the first mothers day I really enjoyed. Back to not enjoying it much and wishing it would just go away now though as...

Now I just watch DH get irritated by it and the well recognised search for a non-gushing card. It would be fair to say his mother hasn't covered himself in glory these last few years - I think she has always been the same but he didn't recognise it when he was a child. The fact that I am a mother gets practically overlooked because of it...think it is a bit of a silly day really. If you get on well with your mum and appreciate her then you don't need a special day to tell her so and give a little treat now and again.

Turquoisetamborine · 11/03/2017 09:46

My mam is lovely but my mother in law is a narcissistic nightmare. My husband has all sorts of issues from being brought up (dragged up) by her but will not cut all contact with her through a sense of duty.

Every Mother's Day we search for a card which isn't gushing as she certainly is not the best mother in the world or anything like it.

Last year we managed to find one which said, Mother have a piece of cake as there's nothing you love more in the world.

We always say we should bring out a range of shit Mother's Day cards.

WhatIsWrongWithMePlease · 11/03/2017 09:50

I know what you mean about 'the best mum in the workd' cards. My mum wasnt horrific but she wasn't great either. I don't send her a card or buy her a present and I know it really pisses her off. I also don't celebrate with my DC as I just think it's pointless. We don't do father's day either.

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