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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to travel for work

16 replies

allthebiscuitsplease · 07/03/2017 20:02

My boss wants me to go on a three or four night trip. Some international travel is part of my job, but it's usually one or two nights every couple of months. I like my job, it's conveniently located, flexible (I do three days), and the people are nice. I've never had a problem travelling before (and to be fair I wouldn't mind doing a one night trip)... but I've since had a baby.

I can't bear the thought of leaving (PFB) DD! She's 13 months and I've only been back at work a month. She's breastfed and I don't think she'd cope well without me, and I really wouldn't cope well without her! In addition, there are a few logistical difficulties if I was to do this trip. It wouldn't fall on my normal working days, and we have no childcare on those days. I'm not sure the nursery she goes to would be able to fit her in for extra days, but even if they could I couldn't guarantee that DH would be able to get back from work in time to pick her up (he has a 1 hour motorway commute that can be much longer with rush hour traffic). The alternative would be to send DD to my parents for a couple of days, but that would be quite an imposition to them. I'm sure they'd do it, but my dad is not well and I don't think it's fair to them, as she'd likely not sleep brilliantly without me and DH. DD has also got a disability (she's profoundly deaf) so while it doesn't make a massive difference to her day-to-day basic care, she's got a lot of extra communication needs.

AIBU to try to get out of it? Basically, I know IABU to not want to fulfil the requirements of my job. I can't really progress in this role without travelling. But WWYD?

OP posts:

highinthesky · 07/03/2017 20:10

Make a decision. Do you want to progress in this role, or not? If you do, could the plan be delayed by a couple of years?

I don't think it's reasonable for the primary carer to leave their 13 month child with another overnight, but if its a core part of the job you either have to negotiate or find alternative work.

NapQueen · 07/03/2017 20:13

Cant your dh take a couple of days annual leave?

Seems a shame that your career is hit by maternity leave (which he could have taken) abd by going part time (which ge could have done).

Dh needs to do his bit.

Original poster

allthebiscuitsplease · 07/03/2017 20:20

highinthesky I know you are right. Even if I could get out of this trip, another one would come up in a couple of months time. If I'm not willing to travel, then I can't really continue in the job, sadly. One night, yes that's fine, 3 or 4 would be too difficult for me...

He could take A/L NapQueen, the concern for me is mainly DD coping without my boobs , and me coping without her in general! Ultimately, we have had to prioritise DH's career when it comes to childcare - his salary is three times my (full time) wage, and we could never cope on my wage alone. He's much more career minded than me as well.

OP posts:

Believeitornot · 07/03/2017 20:23

Yabu as it's part of your job. I do feel your pain though.

I'd be looking for another job!

jeaux90 · 07/03/2017 20:28

It will be fine. I had had to travel with work since mine was 5 months old. You'll get used to it. If you really don't want to then you need to change jobs. It's part of your role.

fiorentina · 07/03/2017 20:40

I also had to travel with work since DC was 5 months. It was fine, can your husband not work more flexibly when you're away? Does he ever travel with work, now you're back surely you balance the childcare more, It sounds like you do want to build your career still.

wrinkleseverywhere · 07/03/2017 20:41

I went back to work when DD was 14mo and had to go on a work trip when she was 16mo. International travel wasn't part of my job but, for various reasons, I was the most suitable person at work to go. It was for more days than I worked per week & only one was on my working day.
All of the juggling & domestic upset was so worthwhile. Work were really impressed that I had offered to do it and I had all sorts of senior people checking I was happy to do it. As I had "given" so much, it made it much easier to "take" when DD was ill etc. It made the whole relationship much more flexible & I know I had a much better (and easier) time of it at work over subsequent years than the other post-maternity leave part time worker who rigidly stuck to her work pattern.
With a non-sleeping child, it was also heaven to have three nights in a hotel! It also finally got DD off the boob whereas we had been in a horribly cycle when I had first gone back to work when she wouldn't eat/drink much during the day and breastfeed all night.

CottonSock · 07/03/2017 20:42

I couldn't wait to get away once mine was about 2 :)

NapQueen · 07/03/2017 20:43

Well if travel is part of your job there will be lots of potential times when you would be expected to take your boobs away from dd.

You have options. See if you can negotiate a non travel position. See if dd will take a bottle or cup of cows milk from dh. Look for another job.

I hate this philosophy of prioritising the mans job at any cost. Its only a couple of days fgs. Surely he could step in?

Reow · 07/03/2017 20:46

Hmm. Could you raise the fact that you are still bf and negotiate to 2 nights? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask.

I wouldn't like it either, but I'd try to focus on the hotel bed, an uninterrupted bath, tv to myself and a pizza delivered to my room.

Bless you. It'll be hard at first but perhaps you'll get used to it again.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/03/2017 20:48

Hmm. Could you raise the fact that you are still bf and negotiate to 2 nights? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask.

It wouldn't be unreasonable for then to say no either. It is part of OPs job.

JaniceBattersby · 07/03/2017 20:49

I'd just use the fact that it falls on your non working days to wriggle out of it his time and tell them you simply don't have childcare.

They're so little at 13 months but by 18 months I've found mine are a lot less like babies and a lot more like toddlers so much, much easier to leave for longer periods.

hellokittymania · 07/03/2017 20:51

I don't have children yet but I have found it more tiring over the past two years . I wasn't living on my own before and I didn't have a flat so I lived out of a suitcase and was used to guest houses . As I have a disability and some special needs the support I had one living around other people benefited me greatly but I have now learned to cook And I like my sunny place in a lovely part of London . I just came back from three months in Southeast Asia two weeks ago and have been ill for most of those two weeks and have to go to the Philippines tomorrow for a workshop this weekend and other things over the next few weeks . I run my own very small organization and have no employees at the moment, so I have nobody to replace me .

Original poster

allthebiscuitsplease · 07/03/2017 20:51

NapQueen re prioritising DH's job, we wouldn't have been able to pay the mortgage if he had gone part time, or if he had taken some of the parental leave, so he couldn't have done those things, even if he had wanted to. But of course he can take A/L and step in, that's not a problem. But if I go on say, three trips a year, of which I don't have childcare for, say, five days, then that's a week of A/L that he would have to take, which I would have rather have spent as a family.

If it was one night, however, I'd be looking forward to the uninterrupted night of sleep!

OP posts:

Derlei · 07/03/2017 20:57

I actually know someone who was in a similar situation but the work trip was for 4 days and her DS was 7 months. She paid for her mum and DS to go with her, her mum was took DS out and cared for him during the day. Extreme but completely worked for them!!

backinthebox · 07/03/2017 20:57

I travel for work - I work for an airline. I went back to work leave breastfed DD at home with my DH and mother when she was 9 months old and returned to work after DS when he was 13 months (an injury meant I could not return sooner.) By that age they were both on solid foods, although with DD she mostly just played with it. I expressed and left plenty of frozen milk for DH and my mother and took my breastpump to work to keep my supply up for DD. With DS I changed him onto other milk before I went back. We also appointed a part time nanny who is still with us years later (long after most other families have decided they don't need their nanny any more! But she makes things so easy and it works for her lifestyle too.)

I call them on Skype at the same time every day, and part of the deal is that if I am away at work for 8 days a month that is more or less al I do, I am at home the rest of the time that they need me. It IS hard for the first year or two, but it gets very much easier when they are able to go to pre-school and then school. I often joke to my predominantly male colleagues that I go to work for a rest - do not underestimate the restorative powers of a couple of nights in a hotel once a month while someone else does the hard work you are doing the other 20-odd nights a month.

You are worried about DD managing without your boobs - give it another couple of months and she will be managing without them as everyone stops breastfeeding at some point in their lives! It would be a shame to give up on a job you admit is very convenient and enjoyable for the sake of a couple of trips over the next few months. If you can get out of this trip and avoid going for another couple of months you will find that your boobs become much less important in the grand scheme of things and a couple of nights away starts to look quite an attractive part of the job!

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