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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going through my phone.

16 replies

Niceguystuart516056 · 07/03/2017 13:28

hello everybody- My other half will constantly want to go through my phone to check who I've been talking to and messaging. About a year ago I slightly over flirted with one of my friends and she read the messages. This was wrong and I apologised. I try to let her go on my phone as I've got nothing to hide but I feel I can never have any in depth conversations with any of my friends without her judging what I say or her seeing all my friends private problems that may only want to share with me.
so I started to delete some of my messages. I told her, now shes hurt that I'm hiding things from her. I don't want to hurt her but surely I'm allowed some kind of private life? or should everything be shared? help!

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 07/03/2017 13:29

What sort of slightly flirting was it? Because I smell minimising if I'm honest.

My ex would have said said he was slightly flirting - I said emotional affair.

ChicRock · 07/03/2017 13:31

You flirt with other women, she's a snoop, this isn't going to work out.

You should both stop wasting any more time with each other.

IamFriedSpam · 07/03/2017 13:32

I'm also dubious about the "slightly flirting" comment. That said me and my DH don't think twice about opening each other's emails or messages if we want to find something but neither of us would read a personal message from a friend - mainly out of respect for the friend who only intended to share it with one of us not the entire couple.

Laiste · 07/03/2017 13:50

Once you've broken the trust in a relationship carrying on as normal (ie having private convos on your phone) is not an option if you want to repair it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/03/2017 13:57

If there is no trust between you, then sorry but your relationship is doomed. This is irrespective of whether you were unfaithful or she is jealous and paranoid - without trust, a relationship does not work.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 07/03/2017 14:04

Is she jealous/controlling anyway? I mean she had to be snooping to find out you were flirting in the messages in thr first place so I'm wondering which came first the snooping or the flirting.

You will have to expand on the flirting to get give a proper opinion but I think yanbu, trust clearly has to be built back up here but you cannot live your life with someone checking your phone no way. If this was a female op people would be up in arms with her dh questioning her on everything I think

Original poster
Niceguystuart516056 · 07/03/2017 14:12

The flirting consisted of calling my friend of 2 years who had a long term boyfriend - lovely. She then went on to saying I don't look my age. I was thankful and put many kisses. I didn't hide the conversation as I thought I had done nothing wrong. If it was a complete stranger I'd understand but my o/h had met this person too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Niceguystuart516056 · 07/03/2017 14:13

She's been really hurt in the past and lied to badly. I'm really trying. I love her but if there's no trust- not even trying to trust me I'm worried.

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 07/03/2017 14:22

Its a massive Violation of privacy for her to look through your phone Imo. I think you should tell her to stop doing that, whether or not you were flirting with your friend what she's going is wrong here, I don't think she should be making you feel like you're in the wrong either. Everyone deserves privacy and I totally understand I wouldn't want my partner reading my conversations!

Neverknowing · 07/03/2017 14:24

But same a PP me and DP do just pick up each others phones and read messages without thinking but never look through each others phones looking for something!

Original poster
Niceguystuart516056 · 07/03/2017 15:21

But she feels that if she doesn't see everything then I'm hiding something... and that there lies the problems.
I'm going to suggest counseling. I love her dearly and don't want to lose her.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/03/2017 15:27

Your relationship is broken. It may well be that she isn't in a place where she can have a trusting relationship.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/03/2017 15:31

"But she feels that if she doesn't see everything then I'm hiding something"
No trust. Doomed.

WhyIsThereHariboInMyWine · 07/03/2017 15:32

Bold: I'm going to suggest counseling. I love her dearly and don't want to lose her.

Very sensible decision. If the relationship is important to you then seeking proper professional can definitely be worthwhile.

It will be hard work but try to keep blame out of the conversation, instead look for solutions and ways forward and work on it. Good luck to you both.

WhyIsThereHariboInMyWine · 07/03/2017 15:34

Well buggeration, showing my Mumsnet ineptitude Blush

Original poster
Niceguystuart516056 · 07/03/2017 21:54

Thank you all for your advice

OP posts:
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