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Original poster

To feel guilty for no longer grieving

16 replies

bizarrelyjubilant · 28/02/2017 16:55

DDad died nearly three years ago and if I am honest with myself I no longer feel sad, confused, angry or upset. It just is.

Compared to the first year after his death and to a point even the second - I feel bad. As if I'm forgetting him and how much he meant to me (I am, a bit Sad)

Can anyone identify ... I know it's a weird thread.

OP posts:
ClopySow · 28/02/2017 16:58

It stops being a daily chore, grief. But i can come back and smack you hard when you least expect it.

Don't feel guilty, it's a natural progression thankfully. The alternative would be unbearable.

ClopySow · 28/02/2017 16:58

It can. I certainly won't come back and smack you Shock

Applebite · 28/02/2017 17:12

No, it's not. I totally understand - I worried about the same thing when DM died. It felt as if I was losing her somehow - as if she wasn't as close because I wasn't thinking about it as much.

In reality, your DF would not have wanted you to grieve and be sad. As the poem says:

www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/45000

Clopy - that did make me smile!

FooFighter99 · 28/02/2017 17:20

My lovely Dad has been dead for 21 years. I no longer think about him every day, but I don't feel guilty for that. You can't hold on to grief forever otherwise what kind of life would you have?

At some point (and it's different for everyone) you move on, it stops hurting as much and you find yourself no longer thinking of them all day every day. Flowers

LilacSpatula · 28/02/2017 17:23

After my DF's funeral I bought a notebook to write all of my feelings and thoughts in. It's empty four years later. Don't feel guilty for not suffering - I'm sure he loved you and wouldn't want you to suffer at all Flowers

maddiemookins16mum · 28/02/2017 17:29

My DMum died 3.5 years ago. I can go a few days without thinking of her and when I do, it's no longer with a stab of pain. I think when someone dies you are left with a gaping, bleeding wound. Over time, it heals up and a nasty scab forms. Sometimes (especially in the early months/years), that scab is knocked (like at Christmas etc) and it bleeds again. Eventually the scab turns into a scar. It's always there but doesn't bleed anymore.

Galdos · 28/02/2017 17:36

It depends on the individual. My Dad died when I was 23, and it took me several years to come to terms with it (mind you, all sorts of other sh*t was going on then too), probably 4/5 years? Even so, I came across his last journal entry the other day, which I'd forgotten about, and that made me cry. Dated a week before he died (heart attack). But funny things can make you cry, recalling some heavy time in your life (whether tears of joy or sadness).

You can remember with affection and perhaps wistfulness, but being a martyr to grief is not helpful - and I write as one who was, for many years, following my DP's young (46) death.

Willow2016 · 28/02/2017 17:36

My mum died 12 years ago, thought I would never get over it but it does get easier. I dont think about her every day now but some things will set me off just a small thing that will remind me of her or if I am upset and would have loved her here to chat to/cry on it is as hard as it was when she died but those times are brief and I carry on afterwards. Some things make me smile when I thing of her. Its all ok, whatever suits your needs is perfectly ok for you.

You are actually being the person he wanted you to be by living your life without constant grief dragging you down. You are right, we all die and we have to accept it at some point. Doesnt mean we never loved them or dont still love them, it just means it gets easier with time not to dwell on them and make ourselves upset all the time.

Same when my dad died, you come to terms with it and move on but never stop loving them.
Flowers

andontothenext · 28/02/2017 17:42

slopycow I read that and thought ShockShockShock

GrinGrin

Dawndonnaagain · 28/02/2017 17:47

My Dad has been dead 22 years this year. I miss him like hell, but I don't think about him every minute of every day and now, when I think of him, it's with a smile.

ForalltheSaints · 28/02/2017 18:35

How long you grieve varies with the person and who has died. You should not feel guilty about not grieving any more.

Wendalicious · 28/02/2017 18:47

My mum died two years ago this week and it really caught me out at the weekend as feeling crappy and really wanted her but right now I'm just thinking happy thoughts so it can totally change- I feel like I'm now a different version of myself and am never 100% happy, maybe 1% of me has gone out forever but I feel I have to live for her too so don't feel guilty please x

CPtart · 28/02/2017 19:02

My dad died 17 years ago aged 54. Days can go by when he doesn't cross my mind. Life is busy. Doesn't mean I don't still miss him.
My mum was killed six months ago in a car accident, she was 69. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks but then something will set me off and it hits me hard. It's the nature of grieving I suppose. Dreading mothers' day though.

ApplePieLikes · 28/02/2017 19:05

You know, OP, if you are no longer grieving, it may actually mean you grieved properly at the time, it sounds like you did Flowers. I think maybe some people don't grieve properly, so they can't move on with their lives, and carry the process out unnecessarily for decades after.

insancerre · 28/02/2017 19:09

Never feel guilty
Grief never truly goes away
It just gets easier to bear

pointythings · 28/02/2017 19:35

My dad died 3 months ago after a three year battle with Parkinson's and dementia. His death was a huge relief for me. I feel sad that he is no longer there, I miss the man he was - but I did my grieving a long time ago and I don't feel any guilt.

If your guilty feelings over not grieving become overwhelming, you should contact CRUSE - they are very good.

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