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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at DP for not telling me?

19 replies

legalcheek789 · 24/02/2017 22:15

DP has been having some problems with stress and anxiety at the moment. We don't currently live together right now because of work and study circumstances but lived together for 3 years before this year and will be moving back in together in July.

After a big reveal about struggling with the anxiety and stress he went back home to stay with his parents for a bit as a sort of intervention to help him cope but then returned to his flat after a few days to sort out how to better cope with the anxiety on his own. He has had some meetings with the doctor and with his manager and has been very vague about them, not telling me how they went and avoiding the question when I asked and eventually giving me vague answers. Other than that he just talks about nothing in particular.

Tonight however, he has made the 5 hour journey back to his parents house to stay with them and didn't tell me that he was going. I was contacted by his mum to tell me he was going home, and spoke to DP about vague things whilst he must have been travelling but haven't heard anything from him at all about going home. AIBU to be annoyed that he isn't telling me anything at the moment?

I was going to travel down to see him this weekend as a surprise to cheer him up. Glad I didn't now because I would have made the 3 hour journey to an empty flat :/

OP posts:

Foxysoxy01 · 24/02/2017 22:29

I can understand you feeling a bit hurt he hasn't been completely open with you but tbh you do seem to be making his mental health breakdown about you!

He is obviously really, really struggling and either doesn't want to or feels he can't tell you. There may be any number of reasons for this but I'm going to go with him being embarrassed and worried you will think less of him, maybe even leave him as I imagine he may feel worthless and pretty fucking awful right now.

What he needs is a little more drastic than you popping down to cheer him up he needs proper day to day support which unfortunately you are not in a position to give him right now. That's not a reflection on you.

I would suggest the best way you can help is to reassure him that you don't think any the less of him, that you understand he needs day to day support and encourage him to seek professional help.

MiddleClassProblem · 24/02/2017 22:34

I don't think you understand how hard it is, which is understandable if you haven't experienced it before. He may not be able to articulate to you the answers that you want but your comment about visiting him to "cheer him up" shows that you're not really getting it yet. Please read up on them. It's not as simle as it sounds like you think it is. Give him space and time, no questions just be there or say you're there. He will talk if he wants to.

Sweets101 · 24/02/2017 22:34

I agree with everything foxy said tbh

Original poster

legalcheek789 · 24/02/2017 22:35

I definitely think you're right about him needing more day to say support and please don't think I'm trying to make this about me, I'm only annoyed about it because I feel like I can't help him if I don't know what's going on. I'm not annoyed that he's at home at all, it's the best place for him right now, but because I can't be there to personally help him and see what's happening for myself I feel like we need to communicate more. It's harder to assess what's going on if he doesn't let me, or his parents when he's not there, what's going on.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 24/02/2017 22:38

When I get it, it's like being completely overwhelmed. Like you're in a room with lots of people talking but you can't hear one voice clear enough or don't know who to listen to even though they are all you. You can't think clearly enough to even make a basic decision like what you want to drink.

That's what it's like for me anyway x

Original poster

legalcheek789 · 24/02/2017 22:40

I'm sorry that you feel like that Middle, that must be awful. I just don't want him to get overwhelmed and not let somebody know :/

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 24/02/2017 22:40

Just need someone to not say anything and be there or occasionally tell me to sip water etc
But people can be different in their needs.

MiddleClassProblem · 24/02/2017 22:44

I can only say what it's like for me. Maybe that's why he went home. Sometimes you just need to be mothered/fathered a bit.

Just let him know that you care and are there but no pressure to respond.

It's so hard to be a partner in this situation as you can be fairly helpless, shut out and have to have patience. I have no idea how DH does it with me but make sure you have your own support system too.

Original poster

legalcheek789 · 24/02/2017 22:47

Thank you, I hadn't really thought about it like that. If he's not coping being back on his own then maybe he is embarrassed to tell me. I will try and be as supportive as I can and let the annoyance go, I know it's not his fault, it can be frustrating though.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 24/02/2017 22:50

It's understandable you feel like this, just do what's best for you to let it out or have people you can talk to about it. There are quite a few articles out there for partners or written by partners about their experiences. You might find something that helps or relates x

Original poster

legalcheek789 · 24/02/2017 22:59

Maybe I will do some research and see if it sheds any light on it for me. Just to be clear, when I said I was going down to cheer him up I didn't mean to infer that me going down there would make his problems go away or anything, only that he said to me that it would cheer him up if I did x

OP posts:

SpackenDeDoich · 24/02/2017 23:09

One of the first signs thaty mental health is deteriorating is that I with draw from other people and begin to isolate myself.
I would just be glad that he has somewhere to go where he feels safer tbh.
I also agree with foxy 100%

TheFrendo · 24/02/2017 23:18

You do not need to stay with your partner. You can leave. Ask yourself if this would be best for you.

Original poster

legalcheek789 · 24/02/2017 23:34

Of course I still want to be with my partner, as I've explained above, I was only annoyed because I was worried. I'm trying to support him the best I can, but to do that i would appreciate knowing where he is. I don't mean 24 hours a day or anything, just that if he's hundreds of miles away from where I think he is it would be nice to get a heads up so I can try to support him.

OP posts:

MuchAdoAboutItAll · 25/02/2017 00:47

I'm speaking from experience but I know it's different for everyone. Middle's replies are spot on.

I would say try not to take his lack of explanations to you as something negative. It sounds as if he may be trying to spare you, and him, the distress of having those conversations right now and might not even be able to explain why he feels how he does. Self esteem is also a huge barrier as anxiety makes you feel wretched and useless, and because of that he may be extremely anxious about your response to him. Reassure him often to allay his fears as that can make a huge difference.

He may be finding it helpful to be able to have mundane, everyday conversations with you as they can give him a sense of normality while he is having such a tough time and it will give him a break from thinking about other less pleasant things. I think you were right to think of surprising him to cheer him up as you will be a ray of sunshine and a comfort to him while he is in a dark place.

He has professional people supporting him and if he is comfortable talking to his parents he is a fortunate man. Don't feel left out, instead look for the role that you can take on to help him to get through this and also share your worries with someone that is there for you and not for him, as you may want to discuss things you don't want him to hear purely to keep yourself from becoming overwhelmed.

It sounds like his parents will be supportive of you too. It was sensible of his mum to tell you what was happening. He may have asked her to do that so you didn't get a shock when you next spoke to each other.

Hopefully his GP is on the case, or he has already had a referral. You may find it helpful to keep an eye on how that progresses and who he sees as it is easy to be fobbed off when you are vulnerable,. Another person in the room for GP appointments wouldn't hurt if your DP doesn't mind.

Above all, don't listen to anyone who has no sympathy and remember that if you can deal with this together you will be able to deal with pretty much anything that life throws at you in the future.

I hope it all goes well for you

Original poster

legalcheek789 · 25/02/2017 01:01

Thank you for your reply MuchAdo. I'm glad too that he can open up to his parents, when this began he was in a really bad place and I think he only told me because he was starting to get really overwhelmed. He hadn't told his parents but I convinced him to open up to them about it because I knew they would understand and sometimes you just need your mum! Having that familial support has really done wonders for him already and I hope it continues to do so!

If the mundane conversations are making him feel better and taking his mind off it a little then I am glad that I am at least able to do something to help him, I really only worry because I care. I want him to be able to open up to me but understand that that might not be possible for him right now so I'm willing to be patient. As I've said, I just find it helpful to at least know where he is so I can support him and when he is at home I do feel a little less worried because I know he's got that immediate support around him.

OP posts:

highinthesky · 25/02/2017 01:17

Give him a break and some space. MH issues might not be vsible but they can be incredibly painful.

MyPuppyIsADick · 25/02/2017 01:19

OP you sound lovely and your partner is lucky to have you, I agree with the above that he's dealing with it in his own way and it's no reflection on you. I feel for him but I do think he could have let you know he was going away - I've no experience in what he's going through though so hope I'm not being insensitive in saying that

MrsTwix · 25/02/2017 10:35

It's understandable but unreasonable to be annoyed. He is ill. Not telling you what is going on is part of the illness. However I'm not judging you for being annoyed because I would probably react the same!

Hope he feels better soon. In the meanwhile you must look after yourself.

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