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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL's attitude to step family

26 replies

Topaz0117 · 24/02/2017 13:17

Name changed.

DP are engaged and planning our wedding, we're both very excited!

We've been discussing bridesmaids and best man and low and behold MIL has stuck her nose in.

DP's parents have split, MIL has a partner (10 years) and FIL has a wife (9 years). FIL has 3 step children our age that we consider family as DP knew them growing up before his dad married their mum.

DP's best friend is also his step brother now and he was considering asking him to be best man and I've asked DP's step sister to be one of my bridesmaids. We were discussing this with MIL, bad mistake.

AIBU to be annoyed with MIL? She has told DP that we need to reconsider our choices as they are only 'step family' and not blood. Well to us, their family, blood or not! My 'step' Dad who has raised me since I was 3 is my father and her 'step family' comments have really offended me Angry

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 24/02/2017 13:21

Tell her you chose them because they are important to you and blood has nothing to do with it.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/02/2017 13:25

Tell her it's your wedding so your choice who you have as what.
Blood has absolutely nothing to do with it.
Then don't engage about it again.
If she starts a quick 'It's not up for discussion' and walk away should do the trick.

DartmoorDoughnut · 24/02/2017 13:26

None of her business who you choose

DonaldStott · 24/02/2017 13:29

Huge assumption here, but if dp's best mate is now his step brother did his dad run off with his sons best mates mum?

Just wondering why the animosity after all these years?

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 24/02/2017 13:31

YANBU. Ignore her. Lots of people have friends as their best man or bridesmaids anyway, not blood relations.

MidnightAura · 24/02/2017 13:35

Yanbu. This is your day (well and your DPs of course), it's not your Mother in law's wedding. I had my two best friends as my bridesmaids. My sister didn't want to be a bridesmaid. My mum I think was disappointed but that's what my sister and I wanted. Have who you want!

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 24/02/2017 13:37

Smile and be glad she isn't your blood either!Grin

Purplepicnic · 24/02/2017 13:42

Her argument is stupid because best men and bridesmaids tend to be friends rather than family anyway. So 'blood' doesn't come into it. Tell her you're choosing them as your good friends, not because they're family. They just happen to be family as well.

BillSykesDog · 24/02/2017 13:45

Is he an only child? Does he have brothers and sisters and are they involved? Has MIL moved on? New partner or children?

rollonthesummer · 24/02/2017 13:46

Huge assumption here, but if dp's best mate is now his step brother did his dad run off with his sons best mates mum?

That was my first thought!

It's nothing to do with her who you choose!

LagunaBubbles · 24/02/2017 13:51

Well obviously its nothing to do with her who you choose, what a horrible attitude to have though.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 24/02/2017 13:57

@Topaz0117 - you have every right to be annoyed with your MIL - firstly you and your dp can have whoever you want in the wedding party - there is no rule anywhere that says that they MUST be blood relatives - I had my sister, my best friend, dh's cousin and my god daughter as bridesmaids, and he had his brother as his best man and a selection of friends as ushers. You choose the people who matter to you, regardless of whether, or how you are related to them.

Secondly, you consider these people to be family anyway - family is so much more than just the people you are related to by blood. It is very narrow minded of anyone to say that only blood relatives can be family. I have a friend whose daughter and son in law have adopted a baby - they consider that child to be just as much their grand child as their other child's biological children. I consider dh to be family, even though I am not related to him by blood!!

baconsandwiches · 24/02/2017 13:58

She sounds awful, tell her to do one and pick whoever the hell you want! Blood should have nothing to do with how close you are/ who you choose to involve in your wedding x

Batteriesallgone · 24/02/2017 14:01

Yeah I was thinking along Donald lines too. Is there animosity between MIL and FIL?

Be glad it's coming out now I say. Thrash it out good and proper, decide where your boundaries are and how much you're willing to accommodate her.

One think I will say is it sounds like the whole situation was embarrassing for MIL - your husband marrying your mate. I can see why she is struggling with the reminder.

user1476968120 · 24/02/2017 14:02

Its your wedding you do whatever you want. Not every single person is always going to be happy with everything, but its your day, So pay no attention to her opinions on the matter.

Though in regards to the comments about if the dad run off with the sons best mates mum, The MIL has had a partner longer than the FIL has been married. Maybe they became best friends due to their parents being together. But if it is a case of an affair beforehand then that does change the situation a little bit. It's a little unfair for the MIL to have to sit through a wedding where the wedding party is full of people who would bring up heartful memories, But at the end of the day, Its still all your choice :D

Hope whatever happens you have an amazing day though :D

BoomBoomsCousin · 24/02/2017 14:02

You might point out that part of the wonder of a wedding is in making a family out of two people who aren't blood related and say you think celebrating bonds of loyalty and love that aren't simply a matter of DNA seems like a beautiful thing to do as a part of that.

user1476968120 · 24/02/2017 14:03

*hurtful

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 24/02/2017 14:07

Smile sweetly and say "we know they aren't, but they ARE our friends" so fuck off out of it

NotCitrus · 24/02/2017 14:10

"you're not my blood relative either, MIL"

One of those MN tinkly laughs and head tilts might even be appropriate for once! "Shall I take you off the invite list?", if your DP agrees...

JustSpeakSense · 24/02/2017 14:29

Lesson learnt...don't discuss your wedding with her again.

She sounds mean.

anxiousandpregnant · 24/02/2017 14:38

I really really hate the "blood is thicker than water" thing. My MIL has openly told me (when she got drunk) that she doesn't think the same of my DC 1 as she does DC 2 as DC 1 isn't "blood" (I had her in previous relationship). I was brought up in a blended family and have nothing but positive experiences from step families but sadly some people are selfish and cold hearted.

I wouldn't pay any attention to her what so ever, nothing at all to do with her, she sounds jealous of her EX Husbands new family if im honest.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 24/02/2017 14:41

I'm with NotCitrus on this.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 24/02/2017 14:42

As others have said, depending on the situation, the past might be painful for Mil even if she has moved on now. If this is the case, perhaps a gentle acknowledgement of that to your Mil would be nice.

BeyondThePage · 24/02/2017 14:43

I can think of a few mothers who would not be happy that the children of their ex-husband's wife get to take centre stage at their son's wedding.

You have every right to choose who you wish to be part of the wedding party. She has every right to be affronted by that choice. You do not have to do anything about it, but it would be nice if someone acknowledged that she may have some bitter feelings about the matter.

AdoraBell · 24/02/2017 14:53

MIL can fuck off, as she isn't a blood relation to you.

Stand your ground now or she will feel entitled to walk over you for as long your marriage lasts.

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