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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM's birthday meal

18 replies

featherland · 22/02/2017 20:56

DM is planning a milestone birthday meal for this September. There will be about 20 family and close friends. It was due to be in the evening, and grandkids are not invited (me and my sister have two kids each)

DM has just told me that the plans have changed: the meal will be at lunch time, about an hour and a half away (grandkids are still not invited). I said my husband and I might not be able to get the time off work as we work on short term contracts which are not very flexible. Also, as my youngest DC is starting reception that week I was planning to be at home as much as possible.

DM said if we can't come then we are not members of the family.

(My sister and her husband are both self employed and part time. They also get free childcare from my sister's PIL: mine have no other grandparents. All the other guests are retired. So we are the only ones being 'difficult')

Aibu to think my mother is being ridiculous and has forgotten what it's like to have to work for a living?

OP posts:
Original poster
featherland · 22/02/2017 20:57

Should have said - it will be mid week.

OP posts:
Trooperslane · 22/02/2017 20:58

YANBU

She is a looney

What about "if you deliberately exclude your grandchildren when you know we have zero childcare, you're pushing us out of the family"

TitaniasCloset · 22/02/2017 21:00

Yanbu that's really unfair.

Original poster
featherland · 22/02/2017 21:02

Love that troopers!

Glad it's not just me then ...!

OP posts:
Grilledaubergines · 22/02/2017 21:19

Response: 'so be it'.

topcat2014 · 22/02/2017 21:22

Is there a birthday equivalent of "bridezilla"!

Anyone with an ounce of sense would know this would be an issue.

ChasedByBees · 22/02/2017 21:24

"Not members of the family" Hmm

She needs to get a grip.

GeorgeTheHamster · 22/02/2017 21:26

But if your kids will both be at school surely you can go, just not stay as long as you might like? And surely you can get a day off with six months notice?

Sung · 22/02/2017 21:28

YANBU

I can't imagine that this is a one-off lapse of sense either given her statement and well, so many other things...like planning a lunch to celebrate your birthday 6/7 months in advance - I didn't even plan my wedding that far ahead!

Flowers
Original poster
featherland · 22/02/2017 21:28

Am thinking of going but billing her for lost earnings ... It will cost us over £500 to get there, miss a days' work each and pay for a babysitter. (Did I mention we don't have a car and the venue is somewhere you need to drive to - so we will have to do train and taxi)

OP posts:
BertPuttocks · 22/02/2017 21:31

"DM said if we can't come then we are not members of the family."

Well her grandchildren can't come (because she hasn't invited them). Is she therefore saying that they aren't members of the family?

Throw her own 'logic' back at her and watch her try to wriggle her way out of it. My money's on an "Oh. but that's different..."

Original poster
featherland · 22/02/2017 21:33

george yes we can go if they're at school, but it's 1.5 hours a way so a 3 hour round trip. We would have to leave at 1.30 to get back in time for school pick up. Plus my youngest will be starting reception so will have a phased start that week, so I'm not sure what his timetable will be.

Unfortunately we are contracted for a few months at a time - we hope to both be working by then, but it won't be in the jobs we have now. These contracts are decently paid but the flip side is that you don't get any normal employment rights - no annual leave, no sick pay. We can take the day off, but we won't get paid and it won't look good for us.

I just don't understand why the meal can't be in the evening or on a weekend?

OP posts:
honeyroar · 22/02/2017 22:00

I think I'd reply "yes we ARE members of the family, members of the family that have to earn a living and struggle to get time off work easily. We are also members of the family with children, children that are also family but not welcome at your meal, and children we have to find care for. We would love to celebrate your birthday with you, we love you, but you're making it very difficult for us to arrange it. Your comments that we won't be family if we don't manage to rearrange everything and come are mean and hurtful.

5foot5 · 22/02/2017 23:41

I simply cannot imagine organizing something like this without giving the slightest thought to whether those people who should be my nearest and dearest can get there.

Surely anyone with the slightest sense would have arranged this for a weekend. And somewhere suitable for the children too.

The fact that she has made it so difficult for you and then come out with this ridiculous "not member of the family" threat would be enough to make you wonder whether you want to be a member of her family.

Have you spoken to your sister about this? Would she be on your side and try to make your Mum see how silly she is being?

I cannot for a minute imagine my late DM wanting to throw a celebration where her GC were excluded

HeddaGarbled · 22/02/2017 23:54

Don't do the billing for lost earnings thing. Was that just a vent and you wouldn't really do it? I hope so - it would make you look like a terrible person, billing your own mother to attend her birthday celebration.

But YANBU about the rest of it and her comment about not being members of the family is outrageously manipulative and nasty. If you can't attend, tell her now, don't string it out with a "might not be able to". Don't go overboard with the apologies and explanations and justifications - just repeat calmly and as often as necessary: "we can't get time off for a weekday lunch".

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 22/02/2017 23:57

Just decline the invite.

Inertia · 22/02/2017 23:59

yanbu

Your mother is ridiculous.

PuddleJumper01 · 23/02/2017 00:06

honeyroar Wed 22-Feb-17 22:00:03
What Honeyroar said, but with an addition....

I think I'd reply "yes we ARE members of the family, members of the family that have to earn a living and struggle to get time off work easily. We are also members of the family with children, children that are also family but not welcome at your meal, and children we have to find care for. We would love to celebrate your birthday with you, we love you, but you're making it very difficult for us to arrange it. Your comments that we won't be family if we don't manage to rearrange everything and come are mean and hurtful. and you have already given a message to your grandchildren that they are not members of your family

Only, don't add my addition, as honeyroar makes the point with dignity and kindness

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