Where is the line?

[kineticmagnetic]

There are so many posts on here about partners staying out later than they said they would. A lot of posters say that the OP should not try and parent the DP by saying what time to be in etc.

AIBU to ask if there is a cut off point to this, is 3 am ok but 3pm the next day out of order for example?

I'm asking to see if I was unreasonable with my ex.

Personally I don't think anything is unreasonable especially if DP has made a promise to be home.
For example, before my partner has walked in at 1am after telling me he would be home at 9pm - here comes the argument.. he's also walked in at 7.30am (supposedly "fell asleep" at a mates house) when we were due to spend the evening together after finding out about our pregnancy!
Each times we have argued and I'm "busting his balls" but I think it shows a lack of respect to not tell your partner when they will be home especially if they will be later than what they previously said

I would never say advocating a curfew is trying to parent your child. It would be unfair if this was a regular thing to have your Saturday/Sunday blocked out because DP/DH is hungover, moreso if you have children.

The difference is letting you know plans have changed. While it's not ideal as you had plans to be up early/Kids are going to be up at 6am then letting you know that sorry I'll be in later as got chatting/was enjoying myself is different to 'oh sorry my phone died/didn't realise the time/im having fun I'll be in when I want.

It probably depends on each couple. The lines are different for everyone.

My DH and I would usually expect to have a rough idea of when the other would be home.

Eg I was out last night and said for DH not to wait up as I'd be out late. If he'd woken up and I still wasn't home at 4am though he'd have been worried and called.

Neither of us would ever expect the other not to come home at all (without prior arrangement) that would definitely be a line crossed for us.

It's not about control, it's about respect. We love each other we wouldn't want to worry each other by going awol.

2/3am would be my line but TBH after 1am and I would be a bit it's about communication - anytime is ok if they've said what they are doing/who they are with. Like others have said it's about respect and communication not about trust or 'parenting'.

And also like the first poster said any time is wrong if they've said a time - longer than 30 mins after a said time I think becomes bad (is be so annoyed at 1am if they've said 9pm).

For me, like others have said it is about communication.

DP went out with some mates, said wasn't sure about plans but would be back, he turned up about 3pm the next day. Not a problem

Told me he was going for a quick drink at the local at 6.30pm, by 2am I was phoning the police stations, he turned up at 4am. It was very much a one off and has never happened again, but there were reasons in the background that this happened as well.

I would be fine if it was 3am, surely most people have popped out and ended up out out at some point. I think 3pm is a bit shitty though. I wouldn't want to be with someone who did this repeatedly.

I am fine with whatever time as long as I know. Even a little text to say he's staying at a friends or whatever. What I hate is him saying he'll be in (always early hours) but then not turning up until the next afternoon, especially if the kids have their classes or things organized. If I knew a rough time then everything could be planned around it and I wouldn't bother.
Dh's mum actually went to pick him up once not so long ago as she came to visit for lunch and he still wasn't home, she was fuming!
What I hate most of all is no matter what time dh comes home he will spend all day in bed not speak to anyone and we can't do anything together so it's a whole wasted weekend.

Wow llama - I'd be pissed off too!! Where did she go to pick him up from?! That sort of behaviour smacks loudly of affair!

It depends. We have an agreement that DH doesn't stay over with anyone unless pre-arranged (he had a habit of getting a taxi home with a friend then getting me to pick him up in the morning) so I'd expect him to be home by 5am but that's a mutual agreement.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want a partner back at a certain time. My DH sometimes stays away (as do I occasionally) but we would certainly agree on it in advance. We'd also warn the other person if we were going to be out so late that we wouldn't eat dinner/have any time together in the evening/be able to get up at a reasonable time the next day. To be honest this happens so rarely that it isn't an issue for us (we're both home bodies). It would definitely annoy me if my partner did this all the time - there should be a fair amount of time out each and it should leave plenty of time for spending time all together as a family.

Me ex used to arrange to see me and then not be in, I'd go to his house, let myself in and he wouldn't turn up for another day or two every other weekend or so.
It was annoying.

Is that remotely normal?

No, that's not even close to normal.

I'm very please that he's an ex.

I'm a little but worried about your boundaries/self esteem that you waited for him. I'd have been off home after 30 mins late.

If my DH goes out with his mates, I would usually expect him to be home before 4am as most clubs close by 3. The odd time he's not been home by then I have text or called him and he's always answered and told me where he is and when he's expecting to be back. I suffer with terrible anxiety though and can't sleep until he's home so when he's on a late one it drives me mad, luckily it's not too often

No, it's not normal, there's a reason why he's you ed

My self esteem is non existent! I used to drive myself mad almost every weekend for over 4 years and I'm still heartbroken he's ended things.

Realising how badly he acted helps me a bit though.

I did get told off on here a bit for acting like his mother in being bothered that he didn't let me know.

I've been on both sides of this and imo there should be no "limit" but communication is key. So not saying "I'm just going for a quick pint after work" then being uncontactable until you roll in at 3am. (I may have been guilty of this).

These days I try to give a realistic estimate, then keep him updated every few hours or when I move on to a new bar. Also try to ensure my phone is charged.

I don't think it's fair to say "you have to be home by x" but totally fair to not want to be left in limbo or worrying that your other half is dead in a ditch.

I agree, if I'd been told he wouldn't be in/if he'd answered his phone it would have been much easier.