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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed by stalker-ish behavior?

25 replies

Dvt1975 · 16/02/2017 23:12

Last summer I met a guy. We dated for five months. He was recently divorced & was quite angry and bitter towards is ex wife. I have children with a difficult ex husband.
He said my ex would always cast a long shadow over any relationship I had & that he 'wasn't sure' about us even though he loved me. (He was a bit controlling & was off with me if I didn't deal with my ex husband in the way he thought I should).
I said I didn't want to be with someone who 'wasn't sure' & we split up (Christmas 2015) We limped on & met up occasionally. In the end he wouldn't stop contact so I blocked him on Facebook. After more messages - blocked on whatapp too.
(July 2016)
Had a Christmas card this year with pictures of his kids (who I never met- he met mine) and message saying he missed me & hoped we were well. Now I've received a birthday card along the same vein!! I'm so angry. AIBU- is this him bring 'nice' or him being controlling because I've stopped all communication?

OP posts:

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 16/02/2017 23:18

I don't think sending a card is controlling or anything to get angry about.

Either be grateful or ignore it. If he tries contacting you in another way tell him you don't want to talk to him anymore, rather than just blocking/ignoring.

Make it all as drama free as it needs to be

PuddleJumper01 · 16/02/2017 23:24

Does he know you also considered him controlling? Because from the information you've given here, he thinks you dumped him because you weren't sure he was committed to you. And he's trying to tell you he likes you a lot. And that's really sweet.

However, if he knows you thought he was trying to be controlling, then avoid. Because you've blocked several channels and he's still getting through. And that's really creepy!

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 16/02/2017 23:25

Yanbu. He's being controlling, in that he realises you've blocked him on everything, but he wants you to know he can still 'reach' you, as and when he wants.

bumsexatthebingo · 16/02/2017 23:27

YABU to say sending you a Christmas an Birthday card is 'stalkerish'. YANBU to not respond.

PageStillNotFound404 · 16/02/2017 23:27

YANBU. It sends a pretty clear message when someone blocks you on FB and Whatsapp that they don't want any further contact with you. I can understand why you might see this as him trying to keep himself in your head, reminding you by whatever means he can that he's still around.

tinkerbellone · 16/02/2017 23:31

I was very upset wheb we split up and did ask him to reconsider. He said he knew he had made the right decision. Yet kept in touch - didn't want me but didn't want to let go either. I cut contact so I could move on.
His ex wife cited his controlling behaviour in their divorce. I can see now what she meant. Very subtle condescending and patronising; unkind jokes and comments said as - 'only joking'. He had a lot of good qualities too though.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 16/02/2017 23:50

Name change fail there op!

I also assumed from your first post that it was you who ended it

tinkerbellone · 17/02/2017 07:08

Sorry I'm new to posting and thought my original name was a bit easy To identify me - didn't realise it stayed same on original.post. 🙈

Gallavich · 17/02/2017 07:12

You clearly describe his controlling behaviour yet you dumped him because he wasn't sure about you? Why didn't you dump him for being controlling?

puppysurprise · 17/02/2017 07:25

Yanbu

Any further post send back with return to sender / not known at this address.

tinkerbellone · 17/02/2017 08:25

Gallavich - Yes- I see what you're saying but it wasn't until we split up and I could see his behaviour I realised he was controlling in a very subtle way.

Justanothernameonthepage · 17/02/2017 08:32

Sending a card in itself isn't controlling. Sending cards after being blocked on social media, still wanting you to pay him attention without any consideration of what you want is controlling and dickish. My advice is to mark down the dates and his actions, discard this card (take a photo of you think it may be needed as evidence) but if he continues to try to restablish contact in an escalating fashion then go to the police. Do not contact him in any way.

Justanothernameonthepage · 17/02/2017 08:35

And maybe start a little celebration this weekend that you avoided getting into a serious relationship and exposing your family to someone like this on a more regular basis. that's worth a glass of champagne or two.

tinkerbellone · 17/02/2017 08:36

Agh. Sorry. Posting is really hard - can't put all the details up but trying to explain the best I can.

tinkerbellone · 17/02/2017 08:39

Justanothername - thank you I am SO grateful that we split up. Behaviour like his was so hard to see when you're 'in it'.
I want to sent the card back but don't want to give him the attention.

notarehearsal · 17/02/2017 08:43

YANBU. I'd advise, as others have said, to not respond. In my own experience, letters to one's address are about the only thing you can not block, he'll be aware of this. If they continue, I'd not open and write return to sender on the envelope, post.
Please don't think about this person being 'sweet' or 'kindly' sending you correspondence, it's control all the way. It will only stop once you are not fuelling this

Justanothernameonthepage · 17/02/2017 08:45

If you send it back, there's a danger that he thinks you're playing the game (and he also knows that he got under your skin). Just chuck it. Don't play, don't return the ball. Abusers are so good at making you doubt what you're seeing/feeling and you can get sucked back so easily if you give them mind space. The only reason I say to record it, is on the off chance the behaviour escalates. Being able to present evidence to yourself and anyone else helps remove the lingering doubt :)

tinkerbellone · 17/02/2017 08:49

Yes I definitely don't want to open them but he sends them via moonpig so I don't recognise his handwriting.

Thank you for all your advice

tinkerbellone · 17/02/2017 08:57

He was a 'brilliant' Facebook stalker- he used to find photos of my ex husbands new girlfriend; the girlfriend's ex-partner etc. I wasn't interested and always thought it was a bit weird. When I cut contact I asked all my friends to block him on fb too so he couldn't find anything about me because I knew he would be looking.

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 17/02/2017 09:01

Agree with all the above advice - don't respond.

It sends a pretty clear message blocking someone on all the ways you blocked him, there's nothing sweet about him persisting in contact when you've made it clear that you don't want contact.

If he persists and it becomes more regular, start putting them in a drawer somewhere and noting down the dates. You never know what "evidence" you might need.

notarehearsal · 17/02/2017 09:43

Actually, thinking about it, ustanothernameonthepage you are right, sending it back is still showing a reaction

Can I just give you another tip OP? Block his email address and if, heaven forbid, he changes his email address to send more, use the block individual words thing ( if you have it) and if he tends to use his name in emails etc. It works a treat honest!

tinkerbellone · 17/02/2017 23:22

Thank you
Card is binned x

RebelRogue · 17/02/2017 23:36

YANBU . It's irrelevant who ended it or why. You blocked him and whatsapp...that's an obvious message. Then he sends you a card for xmas,to which you don't reply. Again very obvious message. And now a bday card? Nothing sweet about it. He's a creepy fucker.

tinkerbellone · 18/02/2017 15:29

That's what my friend said- 'creepy bastard'.

JustSpeakSense · 18/02/2017 16:04

YABU to find a Christmas card and birthday card stalkerish behaviour.

However, if he is aware you find his behaviour controlling and you have previously asked him to stop contacting you then YANBU.

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