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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know when to give up my seat?

23 replies

lemonzest123 · 14/02/2017 09:12

Wanted to post this in WWYD but I couldn't find it for some reason...

I'm late twenties and able bodied and I normally avoid the seats on the bus reserved for those less able to stand.

Today I was very tired so plonked myself down as no one appeared to have a need.

A lady then got on and stood quite near me. She didn't have any walking aides or anything and I'd guess she was around 120kg.

Would you have offered your seat? I was worried I'd hugely offend her if offered because she looked only a little older than me but I guess it must be more difficult for her to stand than me?

Thankfully only had two stops to worry and then scuttled off. Blush

Can't work out if I'm a git for not offering or if I'm a git for considering it!

OP posts:
DrivingMeBonkers · 14/02/2017 09:16

So your basically asking if fat people can't stand for long periods Hmm

VikingVolva · 14/02/2017 09:20

You offer your seat to people you think might be in greater need of it than you.

For any reason - even just someone who looks utterly knackered. Someone did that for me once (turned out I was coming down with flu and was bedridden by the end of the day) and I still remember that someone noticed and acted so kindly.

SalmonFajitas · 14/02/2017 09:22

So your basically asking if fat people can't stand for long periods

For lots of people being obese does make it more difficult to stand for long periods though so it's hardly an insane suggestion.

Perfectjob · 14/02/2017 09:24

I don't think lemonzest is saying that at all. She is saying that she doesn't know when to offer a seat to people she empathetically thinks might need/want them, for fear of offending them.

I don't know what the answer is either. Especially when people are elderly. I try to go with apparent level of frailty.

Tabymoomoo · 14/02/2017 09:49

I'd agree with Viking I'd offer my seat to anyone who looks in need and yes I would offer it to someone who is significantly overweight because I'm young and fit and can easily stand for longer than they could. I'd also offer it to someone who looks significantly underweight for the same reason. No need to turn it into a fatist issue

Trifleorbust · 14/02/2017 09:56

I wouldn't offer someone my seat unless I believed they needed it clearly more than I did. I wouldn't offer it to a fat person because they might be really insulted.

Trifleorbust · 14/02/2017 09:56

Plus they might offer it right back to me Grin

sabzii · 14/02/2017 15:15

I usually have pram with me so have to sit/stand in the fold-down seat area opposite wheelchair space (or wait for next bus) I prefer to sit otherwise I'm in the way of people getting on/off. If all the seats near the front are full I always offer mine to frail-looking people. My pram takes up 2 fold-up seats and I sit on the 3rd. By 'frail-looking' I mean anyone very elderly, with a mobility aid or who looks like they may struggle to keep their balance. Or anyone obviously pregnant. I don't offer it just because someone is over 60! My mum is nearly 70 but very fit and active, she hates being offered a seat because it makes her feel old!

If I have toddler on my lap (travelling without pram) I wouldn't give up my seat as she can't balance well on moving bus and it feels unsafe trying to balance her on hip when standing. I would however sit as far back as possible to leave seats at front free for elderly people.

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 14/02/2017 15:28

Drivingmebonkers I'm guessing the Hmm means there's a right answer and I just haven't got there?

It's ignorance not malice - genuinely interested in what others would do.

OP posts:
emsler · 14/02/2017 15:39

As a larger lady, I think if anyone offered me a seat (which I don't need any more than anyone else of my age!) I'd assume they thought I looked pregnant and be gutted, haha. Unless an overweight person looks like they're having difficulty standing (which could potentially indicate a disability), there's really no need to offer us a seat - we're fine!

TooSmittle · 14/02/2017 15:48

I had a similar dilemma a while back when a lady older than me got on the bus with several bags of shopping. She was overweight the way she walked looked like she had either sore hips or knees. But she wasn't elderly by any stretch of the imagination, maybe in her late 50s. I wasn't sure if offering my seat would be ruder than not offering.

In the end I hopped up and said she looked like she'd had a busy day (gesturing at the shopping) and could do with a sit down. She did sit and said a sincere thanks and we chit chatted for the rest of the journey so I don't think I offended her. I pondered the situation for a while after and came to conclusion I made the right choice - she needed the seat more than I did, simple.

Londonsburningahhhh · 14/02/2017 15:53

I would be offended if you offered me your seat. Larger people can stand for long periods.

thegreylady · 14/02/2017 16:03

I am size 18/20 and 72 years old. I would be extremely grateful if you offered me a seat either because I am fat or because I am oldish.

ThePants999 · 14/02/2017 16:04

Speaking as an obese person, I'm hugely relieved when I get a seat - but I would NEVER expect someone to give up theirs for me.

HerOtherHalf · 14/02/2017 16:08

Just don't sit in the reserved seats in the first place and you won't have this problem. There are plenty of people with legitimate entitlement that you wouldn't know by looking at them and they won't all have the confidence to ask you to move.

SomethingBorrowed · 14/02/2017 17:16

Someone gave me his seat once (late 20s, didn't look pregnant, rush hour in London tube)... to this day I am still wondering why... But I was very happy about it!
Not everybody will be offended, even if they don't know why you are offering your seat Smile

SomethingBorrowed · 14/02/2017 17:22

HerOtherHalf I believe they are not "reserved" seats but "priority" ones.

Realistically if I enter the carriage and one is free, if I don't use it someone else will. High chances are they don't need it more than I do.
Not getting up when seeing someone who needs it or when asked is wrong obviously.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 14/02/2017 17:24

I can't believe people are actually offended if someone offers them a seat. no matter what the reason for it they are only trying to be nice and helpful. You can choose not to take offence, you know, it isn't compulsory. A simple no thanks will do.

Ele13 · 14/02/2017 17:43

I occasionally get offered seats on public transport, sometimes just because people are being nice and sometimes (I imagine) because I look as though standing is leaving me in severe pain (it's not the standing, but it's much easier to be in pain once you don't also have to concentrate on staying upright).

I tend to think either "Here, I've been sat down for a while - would you like my seat?" or something along the busy-day lines as mentioned earlier is fairly universally inoffensive.

I'm always supremely grateful to be offered a seat, no matter the circumstances!

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2017 17:48

People don't get to 18 stone overnight, so I'm quite sure she's used to going about her daily business, including catching the bus.

I wouldn't worry about it OP. You can't get up for everyone 'just in case'.

Closedenv · 14/02/2017 19:35

I'd be mortified if someone got up for me because they thought I was too fat to stand. Some outfits make me look on the larger size and I'd find it hard to decide if someone was struggling from fat to stand. I to avoid sitting and especially in the priority seating as I can't relax for fear of not noticing someone who might feel they need my seat, even when I'm feeling so tired or ill I could drop.

MissMooMoo · 14/02/2017 19:37

I usually ask for a seat if I need it and nobody offers (pregnant) if they needed the seat surely they would do the same?

Palegreenstars · 14/02/2017 19:53

If I'm not sure and it might cause embarasment sometimes I find it easier to just get up and go to the front so they can take it if they want

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