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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex is working abroad for 2 years

18 replies

user1485102013 · 12/02/2017 21:25

We have 2 year old dd together. I know it's nothing to do with me what he does but AIBU to think it's a very long time to be away from his child? Hell be visiting every 6 months but will miss birthdays, christmas etc.

OP posts:

jmh740 · 12/02/2017 22:42

Can he Skype email etc? It is a long time to be away but there isn't much you can do about it. Has he made arrangements to continue paying maintenence? M you ex emigrated to new Zealand and only came back once in 10 years ds was 8 at the time, he struggled to cope with the distance and they had no relationship for the time he was away, ex passed away last year and ds really struggled with his feeling about everything.

HemlockStarglimmer · 12/02/2017 22:46

My father was in the navy when I was a child and often away for months at a time. Communication was done by letter. Phone calls were prohibitively expensive and telegrams were for emergencies and very special occasions. We coped. Mum made sure she talked about him a lot and had his photo prominently displayed.
It's a lot of work for you though. It can be tough.

SalmonFajitas · 12/02/2017 22:48

It's sad and at a terrible time in terms of his daughter's life. I'm sure they'll Skype but at that age kids really need somewhere physically there with them to build and maintain a relationship. Six months may as well be an eternity to a two year old and she's obviously too young to go visit.

Of course there's nothing you can do except try and maintain their relationship, arrange Skype etc. I don't blame you for being disappointed though.

Chippednailvarnishing · 12/02/2017 22:51

My DF did something similar. I have very little relationship with him now. Other than being away with the armed forces, visits home every six months sounds more like he's walking away...

Maylani · 12/02/2017 23:04

If I was you I'd be furious. He has helped create a precious child for which he is responsible and he's choosing to walk away. he'll be back when she's 4, and no, they probably won't have a close relationship because he obviously doesn't care enough to stay close by and share the parenting - the cuddles, the milestones, the illnesses, the first day in nursery or school, and all the mundane but wonderful everyday life with a little one. He's also no help for you when you're ill, need backup of just want a night out. I'm always amazed that if women did this they'd be vilified by society but if guys do it it's somehow ok.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 12/02/2017 23:16

Lucky you! Wish my ex would. I know I will get roasted on here, about the child, couldnt care less. If a relationship is over and a child is under 5 - it really doesnt suggest that at least 1 party has tried properly.

OP - make sure you get everything you need. eg if you want to travel abroad with DC in the next 2 years, get an open letter of consent signed. I would also get authorisation for things like school applications, medical etc. if he is not around and wanting to participate in those decisions then make sure you are not stopped from doing so.

But so agree with Maylani - a mum would be severely criticised for doing this.

Original poster

user1485102013 · 13/02/2017 07:26

When he returns in 2 years do you think it will be too late to form a strong bond and relationship? I'm concerned for dd

OP posts:

Blankscreen · 13/02/2017 07:41

He's going away to work. How do you know he's not under a load of pressure at work and of losing his job I'd he does T rake up the role. Then he'd be in the wrong for not financially supporting your daughter.

Its not ideal but she is 2 and he'll.be back when she's 4. I'd have thought it's a good time to do it.

Tbh I think you sound a bit jealous.

Original poster

user1485102013 · 13/02/2017 07:45

Jealous not quite.

Just concerned about our child.

OP posts:

civilfawlty · 13/02/2017 07:48

blankscreen - are you completely lacking in empathy? OP and her ex had a child. And he is naffing off for two years leaving her with no support, and you think she sounds JEALOUS.

OP - he is an idiot. He will miss out on loads. Make sure you have everything you need in terms of permissions, build an amazing support network and be strong. X

Notagainmun · 13/02/2017 07:51

My father didn't see my grandfather for longer than that during WW2. Both him and my aunt didn't recognise him when he arrived home as they were very little when he left. They quickly rebuilt their relationship and were very close for the rest of their lives.

With modern technology and six monthly visits I am sure the relationship can be maintained if everyone is committed.

MTB1003 · 13/02/2017 07:52

Yanbu op, your dd is at such an age where she's forming her relationships with her parents. It's so sad that he's doing this, only time will tell how she accepts it and deals with it. Is he very involved in her life now, for her to notice the big absence?
Good advice from pp, to make sure you get everything you need from him before he leaves.
And as for being jealous

KathArtic · 13/02/2017 07:53

What can of relationship do you have post-split? Do you get on?

Is the maintenance set up? Has he left you with an emergency fund? What arrangements has he made to keep in touch (eg Skype every Sunday night), can you contact him, has he arranged for any of his family to be available for you during this time?

I suppose he does have to work and this could be a great opportunity for him, now and in the future and he doesn't need your blessing anymore,

OhhBetty · 13/02/2017 08:03

I totally agree with pp that if a mum did this she would be vilified.
Unless you're in the forces I think only seeing your child once every 6 months is shitty behaviour. What if the op also announced she was working away for 2 years? What would happen to the child then?
He's ensuring the op has to do all the real parenting totally alone. In my book that's unforgivable. I hope the child can have a good relationship with her father after this but I'm unsure how likely that is. He's doing this to benefit himself at the end of the day.

JanuaryMoods · 13/02/2017 08:03

Forces families have this all the time and most do fine. It's not ideal but it's not a disaster either.

CannotEvenDeal · 13/02/2017 08:08

I think it depends what he's like as a dad in general. My dh did this when his son was small but then again he visited much more than twice a year. They maintained a really close bond and dss actually lives with us abroad now. It's not always black and white.

NattyBatty · 13/02/2017 08:24

Admittedly I was much older when my dad went to work abroad for 5 months (I was 8 and it was just after the divorce), so I'm not sure if my experience applies, but for what it's worth, here it is.

I felt kind of abandoned by my dad. I know he called frequently, but that's not the same. It damaged our relationship until I was old enough to understand that he did what he thought was best at the time, and that he was hurting over the breakdown of his marriage, for that damage to properly repair. Now we have a good relationship, but his actions back then contributed to a long period of depression that lasted until adulthood, and likely had ongoing repercussions. The term "scared for life" is thrown around a lot, but in my case, his actions have contributed to me needing to stay on medication for depression and anxiety for the rest of my life.

So imo, no, yanbu.

Original poster

user1485102013 · 13/02/2017 08:28

No maintenance set up yet. I'm trying to work out what he should be paying. He will be getting £40,000 tax free per year.

He's not very hands on with dd and never has been. I can count on one hand how many times he's bathed her because he doesn't enjoy doing it

He basically gets to do the fun, easier parts while I do all the important stuff.

We get along for dd's sake but he's still a child in his head.

OP posts:

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