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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you shouldn't ask parents to deal with school issues

222 replies

Wonderingwoe · 05/02/2017 23:45

My little girl hasn't been invited to a few parties recently and whilst she was upset we just distracted her and got on with our weekends
I did wonder if it was because of her being a lot more boisterous than the other girls but maybe not quite fitting in with the boys either so not finding a group as yet ( only reception ) but I've had a few messages these evening from two mums who I've known a while as both their children went to the school pre school like my daughter, one I'm closer too than the other but on friendly terms with both although I don't do any of the school runs so tend to see them at the parties she is invited to, church and in the parks etc.
Anyhoo, messages both read that last week my daughter hurt both their children in the playground 😳
One she pushed over apparently for no reason at all ( mum I'm not that close too ) and the other she tagged hard playing tag causing her to fall over.
They've asked me to speak to her before they speak to the teacher.
Husband thinks they are a pair of bitches and whatever I say to her tomorrow morning will be forgotten by lunchtime so don't even bother and let them go to the teacher.
I'm really embarrassed, I haven't replied as yet

OP posts:

AlmostAJillSandwich · 05/02/2017 23:50

So you know your daughter is loud and boisterous and has now been physically hurting other children, but you expect the school to sort it out? you're the parent, the one who teaches her right and wrong. you should be teaching her not to hit, shove, to play gently, and to tone down how boisterous she is, you want her to be included not excluded, if she gets a reputation as being nasty, it will stick and parents will tell their children to avoid her.

CarTrack · 05/02/2017 23:51

'I think it's best to let school deal with it. They can keep an eye and if Teacher thinks DD is behaving badly in the playground then of course I'll speak to her. Hope your DC is ok.'

Original poster

Wonderingwoe · 05/02/2017 23:54

Of course we do all those things however she's never " hit " in front of us
She plays boisterously and mainly with boys so she can play like this but I've never seen her just hit someone!
Actually I don't want to " tone her down " as in change her personality.
Personally think it's pretty ridiculous to expect a parent to have control over something happening in a playground when I'm not there.

OP posts:

Rosae · 05/02/2017 23:55

I would speak to the teacher first. Say what you've heard and see what s/he says. If your child has done this then you should speak to her about it. Regular reminders to be gentle to others when playing etc. But if the parents have heard this from their children they may not be getting the full story. At that she children need an instant response as they won't remember and connect past events to present conversations easily so the teacher needs to be aware to keep an eye either way.

KoalaDownUnder · 05/02/2017 23:56

What?

You're her parents. Of course you should deal with it. I really don't understand this business of expecting the school to do everything (yes, even if it happened at school).

Husband thinks they are a pair of bitches and whatever I say to her tomorrow morning will be forgotten by lunchtime so don't even bother

Charming.

Original poster

Wonderingwoe · 05/02/2017 23:56

Cartrack, that's a good message as so far I haven't replied as was so annoyed that parents would do this
My eldest child was hurt quite a few times in reception and year 1 by a few children who struggled to not lose their tempers when annoyed and I had to go into school and stuff but never would I have contacted the parents at home!

OP posts:

KoalaDownUnder · 05/02/2017 23:58

Personally think it's pretty ridiculous to expect a parent to have control over something happening in a playground when I'm not there.

You can't control her movements even if you are there, surely. But you can sit her down and talk to her about her behaviour. Why would you not?

SmallBee · 05/02/2017 23:59

I think the best thing is to talk to her teacher and work with the school to help this stop happening.
I'm sure you don't want your DD turning into a bully, especially when you can nip this in the bud now and help her be more aware of how her words and actions affect other people.

Original poster

Wonderingwoe · 06/02/2017 00:00

Well whilst not charming I think it's pretty crap to text another parent Sunday evening way past kids bedtimes and expect me to wave a magic wand, had they contacted me Friday evening I could have spoken to her over the weekend.
They've decided they are going into the school anyway so why not just do that, it's almost as if they're rubbing my face in it which is poor form.
IF she did push for no reason which would be unlike her of course I will speak to her but this is coming from a child not the teacher so nobody is going to actually know what went at all!

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 06/02/2017 00:01

Personally think it's pretty ridiculous to expect a parent to have control over something happening in a playground when I'm not there.

Yes, you weren't there but you're not disputing that your daughter hurt these girls. Writing it off as "she's a bit boisterous" is pretty lame.

You need to make it clear that this is totally unacceptable. There need to be consequences such as losing screen time if it happens again. I'd also contact the teacher and tell her what's happened so she can watch out for it happening again.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 06/02/2017 00:02

Husband thinks they are a pair of bitches and whatever I say to her tomorrow morning will be forgotten by lunchtime so don't even bother

Original poster

Wonderingwoe · 06/02/2017 00:03

I'm always talking to her about playing too roughly but the school have never mentioned any issue and neither did pre school so we embraced her personality and energy and work with her instead of shunting her down into something she isn't.
Playing tag too hard sounds like it was an accident but pushing someone for no reason isn't okay of course, I'm not disputing any of that, just that this shouldn't be dealt with in this manner it should have been brought to the schools attention as that's where it's happened and they can observe and then let me know if there's anything happening, hear say is generally never 100% actuate

OP posts:

Original poster

Wonderingwoe · 06/02/2017 00:03

Accurate

OP posts:

Somevampsarehot · 06/02/2017 00:03

I think that they are definitely being a bit unreasonable messaging you about it! They should have a quiet word with the teacher and ask her/him to have a word with you. I would have a little talk with your dd though, and just remind her to be kind and gentle with other children. She's only 4/5 and probably just gets overexcited. They've made it a bit awkward for you though. Please don't feel embarrassed. Kids that age are still learning the difference between right and wrong and aren't able to deal with their emotions properly yet.

PurpleDaisies · 06/02/2017 00:04

Can I suggest that if you're "always talking to her about playing roughly" that this strategy isn't working?

Somevampsarehot · 06/02/2017 00:04

Sorry, cross posted! To reiterate, you are not bu, they should have discreetly gone to the teacher.

Original poster

Wonderingwoe · 06/02/2017 00:05

I'm not writing it off, I have no idea if it was acceptable or not acceptable as I wasn't there!!
And she's asleep by 8 so text messages coming through at 11.15 on a Sunday night is pretty unhelpful for me to get to the bottom of it
It does seem pretty bitchy for 2 grown women to send pretty much the same thing within 3 minutes of each other, at least a little contrived if bitchy is too strong a word

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 06/02/2017 00:06

I'm not writing it off, I have no idea if it was acceptable or not acceptable as I wasn't there!!

But you say she's always playing too roughly. Isn't it most likely on balance that she was too rough with these girls?

PurpleDaisies · 06/02/2017 00:06

I do agree with you, the timing of the texts is really not helpful.

Original poster

Wonderingwoe · 06/02/2017 00:07

Purpledaisies,
Mainly as of course we don't want her to hurt people or indeed herself but by playing roughly I don't mean shoving people about, I mean she is the only 4 year old girl in a group of boys playing football, rugby, doing karate lessons that kind of thing.
She isn't just targeting people and hurting them, and if she is I most certainly have never been told about it.

OP posts:

GarrulousGrimoire · 06/02/2017 00:07

She's in reception, you can't "punish" her by removing screen time or something for an incident you didn't see, has passed ages ago and you don't even know happened!

Ignore them, but do generally speak to your DD about gentle hands and being calmer, ask school to keep more of an eye and tell you of any problems.

But no, kids are always one sided in the tales they tell! I refuse to get involved in my own DS sibling arguments if I didn't see who did what at the time.

VictoriaMcdade · 06/02/2017 00:08

You have to let the school deal with this. You were not there, you did not see what happened. Maybe one of the kids hit her first, or called her a name, maybe it did not happen, or maybe she is a bully. The point is you cannot discipline your child on the day so if another 5 year old.

That is not to say you do not parent your child, teach her what is good behaviour and what is not. Get her to realise that other children may not like her being boisterous. And don't call the other mothers bitches. It makes you look unhinged.

I would reply; thank you for your text. I will talk to the school to ensure that no bad behaviour is tolerated from any child. And I will also make sure that my DD knows not to be rough. However, if you have any problems with her behaviour I suggest that you contact the school dirsrctly. I did not witness these incidents, and Inpresume you did not either and I'm sure that if I asked DD about it she may have a different version of events. I'm happy to go in and talk to the school though so we can get this cleared up.

Original poster

Wonderingwoe · 06/02/2017 00:09

Possibly yes too rough with these particular girls who don't have the same personality as her or play the same games
One of them she never plays with so that's surprising she even tried to play tag with her as generally that girl dislikes my daughter as finds her too loud and excitable which hasn't been an issue all through pre school as they just didn't play together

OP posts:

Original poster

Wonderingwoe · 06/02/2017 00:11

Bitches wasn't a kind word I agree, but they do both seem to have something to say about someone every time I come into contact with them so it's hard with the 3 minute gap between receiving this messages not to think it was spoken about and agreed on what they were doing which isn't nice and has just made me feel shit
I was always worried she wouldn't fit in and I've been proven right

OP posts:

VictoriaMcdade · 06/02/2017 00:15

I can understand why you used that word. Just don't use it in the real world!

And please don't worry too much, your little girl will find her place. It's early days yet.

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