To think you shouldn't ask parents to deal with school issues

[Wonderingwoe]

My little girl hasn't been invited to a few parties recently and whilst she was upset we just distracted her and got on with our weekends
I did wonder if it was because of her being a lot more boisterous than the other girls but maybe not quite fitting in with the boys either so not finding a group as yet ( only reception ) but I've had a few messages these evening from two mums who I've known a while as both their children went to the school pre school like my daughter, one I'm closer too than the other but on friendly terms with both although I don't do any of the school runs so tend to see them at the parties she is invited to, church and in the parks etc.
Anyhoo, messages both read that last week my daughter hurt both their children in the playground 😳
One she pushed over apparently for no reason at all ( mum I'm not that close too ) and the other she tagged hard playing tag causing her to fall over.
They've asked me to speak to her before they speak to the teacher.
Husband thinks they are a pair of bitches and whatever I say to her tomorrow morning will be forgotten by lunchtime so don't even bother and let them go to the teacher.
I'm really embarrassed, I haven't replied as yet

[Wonderingwoe]

Sorry I fell asleep
My daughter said she did accidentally push over one child playing tag but has no recollection of the other incident where she is meant to have shoved for no reason.
So I'm really unsure what to reply if anything really as now it will seem I'm saying their child is lying by saying she doesn't remember it
My mother does the school run so no way she isn't passing on as she lives with us and I ask if anything to tell me every evening when I'm home at 4pm shortly after they get back from the school.
I guess they just come across bitchy as they speak about people behind backs a lot and to send the message at near enough the same time just seems off to me

[BarbarianMum]

Children fall down playing tag all the time - it is the nature of the game. Usually it is due to child1 swerving or looking over their shoulder as child 2 grabs them. Quite often at least one child will run full pelt into someone playing a totally different game, or trip over their own feet.

It is also very common for small children to take every push or jostle personally even if it is 1. Accidental 2. Their own fault

OP I wouldn't say a word to your dd until I'd spoken to the school.

[SuffolkingGrand]

Sorry, you used "anyhoo".
Didn't read past that.

[Trifleorbust]

bumsexatthebingo: It doesn't sound like there are lots of issues, so I don't think this is a failure on the part of the teacher.

I suppose I find the 'Chinese wall' some people try to erect between home and school a bit absurd, that's all.

[Userone1]

Tell the parents you are sorry to her this and to report to school so they can keep an eye on what's goes on in the playground.

Kids versions of events might not be totally accurate. School can talk to all kids involved and they should have some sort of conflict resolutions strategies in place.

[cansu]

Are you the op who posyed about her reception age dd not being invited to parties? If so I think you may have found your answer. Embarrassing as it is I would take it on tbh. Go and speak to the school snd speak to your dd. Otherwise you may be setting her up for friendship problem s later on.

[NoCleanClothes]

I agree that it's much better for this to be dealt with at school. If OP's DD did have serious behaviour issues (doesn't sound like she does) it would need to be dealt with both at home and at school and the school is a much better first port of call for a concerned parent. The school would inform OP if there were issues she needed to be aware of.

At four lots of kids still have issues controlling their emotions, and don't know where to draw the line in terms of physical play. This is normal, it will take them years to learn. That is why they need to be carefully supervised so a teacher or parent who can see what's going on can intervene and tell them that they need to be more careful, or Sally doesn't like that game you need to stop or whatever. There is no way a parent can stop their child ever crossing the line while they are outside of their care.

[BarbarianMum]

"You can be boisterous without pushing or bumping into other people"

At age 4 and 5 the two tend to go together. Small children have very little idea of personal space.

[Trifleorbust]

There is no way a parent can stop their child ever crossing the line while they are outside of their care.

That is not an excuse for abdicating responsibility to school. They are responsible for your child during school hours, but as a parent you are responsible all the time.

[cowgirlsareforever]

Typical response from a bully child's parents.
It's not my problem, the other children are liars, the bullied children's parents are bitches/overreacting/unfair because they are asking me to sort this out on a Sunday evening, my dc is not a bully.

[Casschops]

It is up to you as the parent to put in the work to educate your daughter how to be with other children. I wouldn't like it f my child was being shoved in the school playground think it is nice that these mums are texting you to give you the heads up. School can then reinforce the ground rules. It's hard you dont want your little last to be seen as a bully. Good luck OP

[7SunshineSeven7]

however she's never " hit " in front of us

Well as long as she does it where you can't see then...

[C8H10N4O2]

I'd agree that two texts 'randomly' appearing together at that time are likely to be coordinated and I'd wonder at the motives. You have no evidence that your child actually hurt anyone other that the mothers' interpretations of their own 4 yr olds. This age do bump into each other and don't have much sense of personal space - they learn it as they grow.

I would talk to the class teacher, say you had coordinated messages from two other parents and have they seen anything out of the norm/acceptable range. I would also explicitly ask if they have seen anything out of line with boys behaviour since girls are often picked up for minor physical activity in a way that is just tolerated and encouraged in boys. That would be sheer sexism by the parents.

[Oswin]

Cowgirl why are you calling this kid a bully?

[MissMrsMsXX]

You excuse your daughter hurting others because she plays with boys? As a mother of three boys who have NEVER hurt anyone at school I think you need to have a rethink.

Your DD is clearly too rough and physical to make friends. You have probably enabled this behaviour, judging by your posts, and you are allowing her to be ostracised so much so she isn't invited to parties. Sort it out.

[NoCleanClothes]

They are responsible for your child during school hours, but as a parent you are responsible all the time.

In a way yes, I can teach my DS a standard of acceptable behaviour but I can't guarantee that he'll abide by it all of the time. Kids enjoy physical play and don't know where to draw the line sometimes - that why they need an adult who is there and can see what's going on to tell them when to stop. When Kids are at school I can't provide that. Sometimes kids also get angry and do the wrong thing, however well they're brought up. That's why ids need supervision. Otherwise I could just rely on my wonderful parenting and leave my DS alone all day.

For what it's worth my DS is the opposite he's doesn't like rough play and his more likely to be upset by another kid bumping into him (it happens) than to bump into anyone else. I wouldn't dream of blaming a parent because they're four year old was a bit too rough. If it was a persistent problem I'd contact the school and let them know.

[NoCleanClothes]

aaaahhh s/They're/their/ I'm illiterate before my second cup of coffee.

[user789653241]

I had similar incidents. My ds was hurt repeatedly, by a playfull manner, but ds felt like he was hurt on purpose. My dh actually have seen it happen once in the playground, that the child pushed him into the mud on purpose.
I didn't think about contacting school, since it always happened out of school, and considered telling his mum. I didn't in the end, but started to decline invites to the playdates.

[Trifleorbust]

NoCleanClothes: No argument with what you have said - of course you can't guarantee their behaviour. That doesn't mean you can say it isn't your problem.

[NoCleanClothes]

As for OP I'd definitely approach the class teacher and ask if there is a problem with DD's behaviour or whether it's just normal four year old stuff.

[Roomster101]

I think that the other parents were very unreasonable to take their children's word as gospel and to contact you directly about it. They seem to be ganging up on you/your daughter about it which is not nice. Surely the normal thing to do would be for them to chat to the teacher to find out if things are as they seem. I'd ignore the parents for the time being and have a chat to the teacher about it. I would also talk again to your daughter and try to suggest that she will hopefully make more friends if she is a little bit more gentle.

[NoCleanClothes]

That doesn't mean you can say it isn't your problem.

I agree but it really depends what is going on. A four year old bumping into another four year in the playground sounds completely normal to me. Happens to my DS all the time (he's quite sensitive and doesn't like it). There is not much the other parents should be expected to do to stop that so in a sense it's not "their problem". If there is a persistent pattern of concerning behaviour (bullying, violent outbursts etc) then it is concerning and I would expect the parent to be worried about it and work with the school to try and tackle it.

[NoCleanClothes]

I also think Roomster101 is right in that you can't take your own child's words as gospel. If my DS was upset I'd take it seriously but I'd approach the class teacher to find out what was really going on.

[diddl]

Speak to you daughter, speak to the school-you can do no more.

Let the others do as they wish.

Does she usually get invited to parties & now isn't being?

[user789653241]

Roomster101, I felt totally opposite from what you think.
I thought them contacting OP is more sincere than just going straight to school to complain. I felt like they actually wanted to keep good relationship with OP.