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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think you shouldn't ask parents to deal with school issues

222 replies

Wonderingwoe · 05/02/2017 23:45

My little girl hasn't been invited to a few parties recently and whilst she was upset we just distracted her and got on with our weekends
I did wonder if it was because of her being a lot more boisterous than the other girls but maybe not quite fitting in with the boys either so not finding a group as yet ( only reception ) but I've had a few messages these evening from two mums who I've known a while as both their children went to the school pre school like my daughter, one I'm closer too than the other but on friendly terms with both although I don't do any of the school runs so tend to see them at the parties she is invited to, church and in the parks etc.
Anyhoo, messages both read that last week my daughter hurt both their children in the playground 😳
One she pushed over apparently for no reason at all ( mum I'm not that close too ) and the other she tagged hard playing tag causing her to fall over.
They've asked me to speak to her before they speak to the teacher.
Husband thinks they are a pair of bitches and whatever I say to her tomorrow morning will be forgotten by lunchtime so don't even bother and let them go to the teacher.
I'm really embarrassed, I haven't replied as yet

OP posts:
Wonderingwoe · 06/02/2017 19:20

I've been upset today so didn't feel up to replying
Thanks to everyone who has commented
They've already gone into the school as the teacher let my mother know today at picking up time so I'm not sure why they bothered telling me as they didn't even give it a day to see if me speaking to her worked
Never mind, hopefully she doesn't hurt anyone else now the teacher is aware, intentionally or otherwise

OP posts:
Userone1 · 06/02/2017 19:27

They should not have spoken to you in the first place. Good luck OP Flowers

qwertyuiopasdfghjkl · 06/02/2017 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GallivantingWildebeest · 06/02/2017 19:32

Are you going to talk to the teacher yourself, OP?

diddl · 06/02/2017 19:48

"now the teacher is aware,"

But surely she knew why you were asking about your daughter's behaviour?

Also, they said that they would like you to speak to your daughter before they spoke to the teacher-which is what has happened.

Wonderingwoe · 06/02/2017 20:01

Sorry it wasn't clear, I took the morning off to drop her to school that's what I meant by teacher happy, no concerns with her behaviour.
At pick up she let my mum know she had been contacted by 2 parents regarding incidents from last week

OP posts:
Foxesarefriends · 06/02/2017 20:03

Wondering hope you are okay, they have handled all this really badly. Will you speak to the teacher again?

Amaried · 06/02/2017 20:27

Boisterous or not, I think the parents handled this very badly , clearly they have been discussing your daughter between themselves which I think is rather petty even assuming your daughter is atilla the Hun which I doubt. You've spoken to your daughter and the teacher and now I wouldn't give it another thought!

bumsexatthebingo · 06/02/2017 20:45

What happened as a result of the parents going in? I'm assuming your child got the chance to put her side forward?

Wonderingwoe · 07/02/2017 07:23

Just feeling quite down about the whole thing tbh
The timing of the messages makes it pretty obvious that it was being discussed between them and as it was two separate incidents ( one she can't remember but still ) on two different days this seems unfair in itself
Parents evening tonight so I will be discussing it further then, all that was said yesterday morning was there have been no issues noted and if bad behaviour seen in the playground it's passed to the class teacher and nothing has been and then at pick up time she let my mum know two parents have contacted the school regarding my daughters behaviour

OP posts:
seafoodeatit · 07/02/2017 13:02

Wondering This is why other parents don't have my phone number, you will always get one or two nasty people who will use it to say nonsense. They just sound petty, go to parents evening and focus on your child, as you've said yourself if there were any concerns the teachers/playground staff would have picked up on it, they're probably used to parents who complain about nothing.

Allthewaves · 07/02/2017 13:17

So they txt u at 11pm on a Sunday night and went straight into school the next morning. Well they havnt handled it well, why on earth didn't they say something at the time of the incidents.

Id feel very ganged up on receiving texts from two people that time of night. It's all very passive aggressive.

There's a girl in my eldest son's class yr3 and her mum's actually thinking of moving her as she's constantly excluded by the girls during lessons as she prefers to play tag and football with the boys at break and lunch. But girls tell her she can't play with them in class as she only likes 'boys games' grrr - this started on reception

Allthewaves · 07/02/2017 13:19

I'd have been tempted to reply to the messages 'what do you expect me to do at 11pm on a Sunday night'

gandalf456 · 07/02/2017 13:28

It's a school issue, always dealt with better by the school. I always go via the school if having problems, never the parents as , understandably, no one wants to feel.like that parent. This is a 4/5 year old we're talking about and they do go through phases of being difficult even with good parents. It's the end of term and, not that it's an excuse but everyone is getting tired and probably all of them aren't behaving well

Witchend · 07/02/2017 14:07

I'm just going to suggest why the timing of the texts.

One of mine used to do this.
Bedtime on Sunday night. Get to bed. Their light goes off after reading, give them good night kiss, they usually go off to sleep within 20 minutes.
At some point, depending on what I'm doing, I go past the door and realise they're crying.
When I go in they say they're worried about going to school because of X.
X can be a big thing, or it can be something very very little. But they've shown no signs over the weekend (or the previous week, and occasionally longer) of being upset, but they've obviously been worrying about it until it's burst out-often on Sunday night.

Now one of my dc has a wonderful imagination. So a little thing like A dropped her pencil on her foot by accident on Monday could easily by the time she's worried about it for a week it's expanded to A threw her pencil on purpose, B then poked her twenty times and the whole school laughed at her because she was crying.
Luckily I had a friend who had a similar child and we used to phone each other up and say "have you heard anything about this?" Both our dc were also chatterboxes, so tended to tell anything big happening.
So if the other mum said "not heard anything" we'd mutually have a chuckle over the imagination of our dc, and assume it was something and nothing, comfort own child and that would usually be the end of that.

However occasionally the response would be along the lines of "actually she did say that dc had a really nasty fall in the playground and A had pushed her over" and then we would assess (on our own usually) whether it was something we needed to follow up.

I never, and I'm certain she didn't either, discussed it with other people. But it meant that we were able to reassure the dc when it was a little thing, and act when it was a big thing, rather than bothering the teacher over something tiny, or not acting when it was something that needed an eye keeping on.

GallivantingWildebeest · 07/02/2017 17:06

at pick up time she let my mum know two parents have contacted the school regarding my daughters behaviour

The school has dealt with this badly. They either know what the problem is and can handle it - or they don't tell you that other parents have complained. What's the point?

If your dd can't remember one incident, and the teacher is happy with your behaviour, it sounds like an isolated incident/an accident.

It's one girl's word against another, and I can't see what the teacher is hoping to achieve by telling you about the other parents when you weren't there to see the incidents, so can do nothing about it.

Wonderingwoe · 07/02/2017 17:44

Maybe they told me in case they approached me or something
I let her know I had already received messages informing me they were talking it to the school to which she replied " that was helpful then "

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 07/02/2017 17:48

So what was the outcome. Have they spoken to the girls? Are they monitoring the situation?
Did you text either of the parents back?

Wonderingwoe · 07/02/2017 17:58

I texted both parents back saying I'm sorry their children were hurt, my daughter said it was an accident / can't remember so maybe best they let the school deal with any issues. Didn't get anything back from either of them.
Teacher just said what my daughter had said and that she had said sorry to the one she admitted to ( albeit an accident ) now and that they've not noticed anything in the playground at all.
So all feels very awkward now tbh

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 07/02/2017 21:19

It's not you making it awkward, it's them. You've done nothing wrong.

tootsietoo · 07/02/2017 21:34

Oh, that's not so good. I would always prefer to be contacted first before other parents went in to school, but it would have been far far better if they'd phoned you, or spoken to you face to face, and then you could all have dealt with it with your children with the same messages. A late night text followed by speaking to the school the very next day gives you no time to do this. I guess they wanted to tell you so that it wasn't sprung on your or your DD as a surprise when the teacher mentioned it.

Taking the long view though - I have a DD1 who is similar to how yours sounds - you may find that this sort of situation occurs every so often throughout her school life. So (in the nicest possible way) you probably need to grow a thicker skin about dealing with other parents over it and just accept it as one of the areas you need to help her a bit with and don't look on it as an embarrassment or a failing.

gandalf456 · 07/02/2017 21:40

Yes. I agree. And also find some new school mum friends.

Wonderingwoe · 07/02/2017 22:13

Thanks and I agree.
If there's an area that's going to be tricky this is it
It's hurtful as a trip to a play area has been arranged for half term and she was told today by the girls that she is not invited as she hurts people so in quite worried now she is going to lash out if kids are saying unkind things and then she will be in trouble on top of giving these mums something more to say

OP posts:
Userone1 · 07/02/2017 22:19

You can't come, we are not your friend anymore is typical playground stuff, help your dd to cope these kind of situations, teach her to shrug her shoulders or tell a teacher if they are being particularly unkind or she is upset.

According to school your dd isn't just going around the playground hurting others on purpose.

bumsexatthebingo · 07/02/2017 22:26

Who organised the trip?
Just encourage your dd to play with other kids. I couldn't be bothered with the drama from them or their mothers.

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