To think you shouldn't ask parents to deal with school issues

[Wonderingwoe]

My little girl hasn't been invited to a few parties recently and whilst she was upset we just distracted her and got on with our weekends
I did wonder if it was because of her being a lot more boisterous than the other girls but maybe not quite fitting in with the boys either so not finding a group as yet ( only reception ) but I've had a few messages these evening from two mums who I've known a while as both their children went to the school pre school like my daughter, one I'm closer too than the other but on friendly terms with both although I don't do any of the school runs so tend to see them at the parties she is invited to, church and in the parks etc.
Anyhoo, messages both read that last week my daughter hurt both their children in the playground 😳
One she pushed over apparently for no reason at all ( mum I'm not that close too ) and the other she tagged hard playing tag causing her to fall over.
They've asked me to speak to her before they speak to the teacher.
Husband thinks they are a pair of bitches and whatever I say to her tomorrow morning will be forgotten by lunchtime so don't even bother and let them go to the teacher.
I'm really embarrassed, I haven't replied as yet

[Bluntness100]

I'd much rather another parent told be direct than go to the school first if my child was hitting other children. Yes they probably spoke to one another and agreed it was the best approach to tell you first. I'd respect that. I suspect if they hadn't told you and just complained to the school you'd be pissed off about that too.

I'm quite shocked at your husbands response, it was very much shoot the messenger and not deal with the issue you both face. I'm also quite surprised at your thought that you don't know if it was appropriate or not, it's never appropriate to hit another person and you need to teach her that lesson. Would you say the same if she was 18 and doing it? 28?

Personally I'd talk to her quite seriously about how this was not ok, about how we treat people, and if it happened again she would be punished. I'd then speak to the school and ask them to look out for it and to tell me if she did it again so I could deal with it. I'd then thank the parents for telling me, tell them I've spoken to her and have asked the school to notify me if any other issues arise.

[myfavouritecolourispurple]

Personally think it's pretty ridiculous to expect a parent to have control over something happening in a playground when I'm not there

I agree. You can tell your kids not to do something until you are blue in the face. Either they will listen, or they will not. Or they need more time to mature. A kid in reception is not mature and they have not learnt self-control. It is for the teacher to discipline what goes on in school. It's not for parents to start whinging to other parents about what goes on in school.

Funnily enough, if a kid goes into school and hits another child, or tells a teacher to f off, it's highly unlikely that a parent has encouraged that sort of behaviour. Yet people think that any transgression of a child is down to poor parenting - as if kids have no free will. They also seem to think that removing screen time is a universal panacea.

Lots of adults have very little idea of personal space either!

As for party invites - at that age (and for a lot longer in some case) it's down to who the parents want to invite, not the kids themselves. If you don't fit in as a parent, for whatever reason, your child will not be invited.

[Trifleorbust]

NoCleanClothes: I think it's clear from the thread that this is a persistent issue. The child is rough with other children. She needs to understand that this isn't okay.

[irregularegular]

I don't think those other mums can win really. If they had gone straight to the school without mentioning the problem to the other parent who they are friendly with (you in this case) then I bet in some cases that parent would have taken offence and complained that they should have let them know.

[Trifleorbust]

Funnily enough, if a kid goes into school and hits another child, or tells a teacher to f off, it's highly unlikely that a parent has encouraged that sort of behaviour.

And yet the 'encouragement' can be implicit in your failure to address it, can't it? Your children seek your approval above most other things, so if you ignore behaviour that occurs outside your supervision they will continue to behave in that way.

[Blobby10]

OP my son was similar to your daughter - he was always slightly bigger and stronger than his peers (hes now 18, 6ft 7 and 16 stones of solid muscle!) and when he got over excited playing in the early years - say aged 4-9) he could 'hurt' another child. it was never intentional, just silly things like they were all playing aeroplanes, arms stretched out as wings, running around the playground and his arm hit another boys arm - other boys arm got bruised cue the "Blobbys son hit me and hurt me".

There was a point when he got very upset because he was being accused of hitting other children and in his eyes he wasn't. We were lucky that the teachers at his small primary school were aware of this and worked with me to not only educate him to be aware of his strength but also to educate the other children that accidents happen and that not every hit is intentional and bullying. Hes now one of the most gentle giants around and is much in demand at Uni by girls who need a bear hug

[cowgirlsareforever]

Hope this helps Oswin


www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/definition/#types

[Allthebestnamesareused]

I'd say to the parents I'll talk to the school myself to ensure that they monitor play and keep an eye on the children.

For all you know the school has already said "Little Suzy you musn't be so rough when playing tag. Look you've made Little Jane cry".

It's possibly already been all sorted out and the other parents being precious. Of course, if a teacher tells you that there has been inappropriate behaviour then you speak with your child about it. I would not however be believing the word of 2 other parents reliant on tale telling by their kids.

Slightly different but a parent approached me because my son called their son (child A) a name and was "bullying other kids" (told me who). I spoke to my son when he came home. Said he did call A a name and that he'll say sorry and avoid him (because apparently it was a bit of tit for tat). As regards the other kids he said he got into some pushing and shoving with another lad in the line but they shook hands in the cloakroom later and as far as he and he thought other lad were concerned it was all over with.

I called the parent back and apologised for the name calling and said that I hoped as they had 6 more years at school together and as they were in the same sets for most things hopefully they can get past it. She agreed but then brought up the other boy. I explained my son's version and she was still insistent until I said well I know his Mum really well so I'll call her and see whether we need to involve the school. Lots of back pedalling.

Of course parents will believe their child but generally when it is rough play in a playground at that age it is dealt with.

[llangennith]

The lateness of the text may well have been because the girl told her mother she didn't want to go to school the next day and the mother asked why and eventually got the full story.
Then she'd have to think about how to handle it. Obviously keeping her daughter home from school wasn't an option. Imagine if you were that mother. wwyd?
Your husband's attitude to the situation probably plays a large part in how rough your DD is with other children. Your idea of boisterous may be other people's idea of rough.
Instead of getting all huffy about the texts I suggest you address the cause. Unless, of course, you're quite happy for your DD to be rough with other children and disliked.

[HalfShellHero]

They sound like they are ganging up on you and your DD a bit OP I wouldn't be happy either for the reasons you've described. Kids can get OTT with playing tag , wrestling in the playground etc it needs to be dealt with maturely though...last week OP my DS got a red card because whilst rescuing friend from being sat on by another child in the same class he smacked him in the cheek , ds came home with a swollen eye another child sat on slapped cheek boy as revenge for hitting my DS ...who also got a red card whilst sat on child came away unscathed ....god i dont envy dinner ladies having to deal with that kind of carnage ....but we got 'boys will be boys' I think girls are treat differently sometimes.

[NoCleanClothes]

The child is rough with other children. She needs to understand that this isn't okay.

I'm not really getting that it's a persistent problem - people seem to be jumping to conclusions about that. Yes her mum can speak to her DD about when it's OK to be rough and when it isn't but that is very unlikely to help a four year old - they don't have the capacity for long term planning. A four year old needs to be picked up on bad behaviour when it happens - OP has said she has never seen her DD hit another child - so she can't pick her up on it.

It's also important to note that we don't know what actually went on.

I've seen my DS complain that other children were pushing him/being too rough (and he genuinely felt this is what had happened) but in actual fact I had seen that he got involved in what was a fairly rough and tumble game of football and wasn't deliberately pushed at all. It would have been unfair to stop the other kids playing their game because they weren't doing anything wrong - it just wasn't the kind of game that suited my DS.

It's important that kids get a chance for physical play - they won't always know the limits (even if you explain to them in advance) and it's the supervisor who needs to enforce them surely?

[Notso]

I've never understood what parents who speak to other parents/teachers about minor one off incidents expect to gain from it. Especially in such young children who are still learning.

[StickyMouse]

I would think that the timing of the Texts show that the Mums are worried about the incident and perhaps worried about what the new school week will bring. In your shoes I would have spoken to DD before school this morning.

If your DD is behaving in a way that hurts other children then I think that you need act.

[memememum]

Hello Wonderingwoe. I'm feeling anxious and guilty as usual about various, completely different, issues with my reception and yr3 DC's, so for us!
One idea, slightly related I think. In the longer term, one idea is to draw attention to any opportunities you get to treat anyone/toy/etc gently/kindly at home and then give a little reminder (eg remember to be gentle/kind/whichever words you've been using to your friends today).

[GallivantingWildebeest]

I don't think the other mums have acted very well: they've obviously been talking about it and both decided to text you at 11pm on a Sunday Helpful? No.

Agree that you can't be responsible for what your dd does when you're not there. If an incident happens in school, then the teacher should deal with it.

But what you can do is talk to your dd about kind hands, friendly feet, playing gently, treating people as she'd like to be treated, saying that nobody will play with her if she's rough, etc. Also make sure she does enough after-school clubs to physically tire her if she has loads of energy.

I'd also speak to the teacher, say what's happened, ask what your dd is like in school and find out if there have been any problems.

[Kanga59]

I would speak to your did generally about playing more gently with the other children because it's scary for them/they don't like it and suggest other ways of suitable playing...when you're playing tag we only need to tag on the shoulder and shout "tag!"

And mention to the teacher about the other parents comment so she can keep an eye out and help your child socially.

It's too far after the event to deal with the specifics of last week now

You do come across as a bit defensive about your daughters behaviours. She sounds socially immature and needs help and support to come up, otherwise as pp have said, she will sadly be left out more and more meaning additional problems for you to sort down the line.

Nothing isn't fixable in reception, so just roll with it and sort it for your dd sake.

[NoCleanClothes]

cowgirlsareforever by your definition (anyone that's ever pushed or been accused of pushing) 99% of toddlers and about 70% of four year olds are bullies so it's not a particularly helpful label.

[cowgirlsareforever]

The definition I posted is pretty much standard in terms of schools, bullying charities and the Government. I think we're all smart enough to know that accidents happen but I believe there is a bullying epidemic in the UK and your dismissive attitude is not helping NoCleanClothes

[Floggingmolly]

Op, you say "we're always talking to her about playing too roughly", and "we've embraced her energy". Which is it?
Sounds like you know full well how boisterous she is, and you see no particular problem with it?

[NoCleanClothes]

cowgirls but that bullying policy is interpreted in an age appropriate way in schools and nurseries. I've never melt a three year old that never ever pushed for example - are they all bullies? It's not acceptable behaviour and you teach them not to but it's hardly productive to label every single child a bully. (I say this as the mother of a very gentle child by the way).

[cowgirlsareforever]

For goodness sake. Are you really suggesting that I would say that all children who push another over, by accident are bullies?

[Morphene]

Good grief what a load of sexist tosh on this thread.

Can you imagine this arising if the kids involved were male?

Can you imagine someone going into school to complain that there boy had been pushed over while playing tag by a girl?

Or all this bull about 'she shouldn't be so boisterous' being levelled at a boy? Well, maybe, but not for one unsubstantiated shove and a tag game gone slightly wrong. No, it would be all, 'that's just what happens when kids play....'

[SoupDragon]

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill!!

Just tell your DD to be more gentle with the other children, tell the other parents you have done this and ask that they talk to the teacher in future as is is easier for them to deal with it onthe spot should it happen again.

Job done.

[NoCleanClothes]

Op, you say "we're always talking to her about playing too roughly", and "we've embraced her energy". Which is it?
Sounds like you know full well how boisterous she is, and you see no particular problem with it? Both surely - OP's daughter can enjoy physical play and have a lot of energy but needs to be taught what the limits are in terms of other children. (E.g. it's one to play rough games but you have to be sure the other child enjoys that game and stop when they say so).