To think you shouldn't ask parents to deal with school issues

[Wonderingwoe]

My little girl hasn't been invited to a few parties recently and whilst she was upset we just distracted her and got on with our weekends
I did wonder if it was because of her being a lot more boisterous than the other girls but maybe not quite fitting in with the boys either so not finding a group as yet ( only reception ) but I've had a few messages these evening from two mums who I've known a while as both their children went to the school pre school like my daughter, one I'm closer too than the other but on friendly terms with both although I don't do any of the school runs so tend to see them at the parties she is invited to, church and in the parks etc.
Anyhoo, messages both read that last week my daughter hurt both their children in the playground 😳
One she pushed over apparently for no reason at all ( mum I'm not that close too ) and the other she tagged hard playing tag causing her to fall over.
They've asked me to speak to her before they speak to the teacher.
Husband thinks they are a pair of bitches and whatever I say to her tomorrow morning will be forgotten by lunchtime so don't even bother and let them go to the teacher.
I'm really embarrassed, I haven't replied as yet

Sounds like the kids have formed a little clique and so have their mothers, shunning others.

Teach your dd about kindness, respect and what makes a good/bad friendship.

op. I'm experiencing this ATM. Two parents cornered me in the playground and said they were disappointed in my dds behaviour and other parents and teachers agreed.

I went straight into school to ask the teachers what they thought and they disagreed. Parents should not have come to me (a previous accusation was proven to be wrong, so it feels a bit like persecution). But I've brought it to the teacher's attention.

Naturally I've always emphasised kindness to dd, but they have a group of girls that can all be nasty to each other at times. I'm not fooled into thinking dd is an angel, but she complains as much about one other girl.

Hopefully now teachers are on the watch in the playground and you can get to the bottom of this. They are only in reception now, there's a long time in primary and from my experience (4dds in primary) these things ebb and flow....

I just want to point out that the reason they might have texted so late could have been because, as a PP said, it took that long to unpack what was wrong.

This is exactly how my mum found out I was being bullied when I was five.

On Sunday night I told her I was sick and didn't want to go to school. It took hours of her coaxing me to admit I didn't want to go because a boy in my class was being vile to me. I'm not saying your daughter is anything like as horrid as my bully was.

But the school were completely unaware of it even though it had been going on ages. I was too ashamed to tell anyone.

It's likely the one mother then spoke to her friend somewhat upset on discovering her daughter had been hurt and then the other mother revealed her kid also had a bad experience with your child that week.

So while the approach of these mothers may seem overly hasty to you and others here, i imagine they did think they were giving you a kind of warning to talk To your daughter in the morning.

I'm sorry for you OP because it's hard to unravel what happened. But you husband's attitude is the least helpful here. I would take it seriously. It's not the school's responsibility to correct your children. No parent is always there on the sidelines to correct bad behaviour, the point is children are supposed to learn and remember how to behave.

Your daughter is very young and I really doubt she's a bully. But I just wanted to provide some context for how I could see this all coming about.

I'll come at it from a different angle for you OP - these girls are clearly not a good fit for your daughter (rather than she doesn't fit in) - perhaps your daughter is completely frustrated with their inability to play the way she wants to do she tries to lead them into
More boisterous rough games to force them to - they aren't those kinds of girls - and she is four so has no idea how to get them to play the way she likes with language - and they don't want to.
I think your DD needs different friends and you may have to put some effort in for her to find like minded children.
I don't think she can be physical in a way that is hurting children all the time as the school would tell you (speaks from reception experience with now happy, non physical older child!)
Reception children are very physical - they have no concept of personal space or physical strength - they push, stamp on each other all the time - mainly because they aren't aware of who's in the way or around them. They are little people learning to understand others.
I think others have been very harsh on this thread - so way if your DD is loud and boisterous? Ok - you know the bits you have to tone down and she'll learn as you find ways to bring those issues into hand. Get her doing all the things that play to her strengths (drama etc) and she'll make like minded friends.

Hello. Not to de-rail but I want to apologise to the posters on about pg 1 - 3 about my ranting. I've been cringing about my ranting on this thread for a couple of days, and thought the thread would've died, but it's going very strong, so taking the opportunity to say sorry for being boisterous myself. Wonderingwoe I particularly apologise to you.

I would add to the later comments (after I stopped ranting) that when I've done playground duty, kids come up to me ALL THE TIME either sobbing in grief or outraged to say "X did THIS to me" so I call X over and ask them about it with sobbing/outraged child there and 9 times out of 10 the "perpetrator" says "X hit me first". So yo go back to sobbing/outraged child and they say "yes, I did,but they were annoying me" or "yes, but we'd told them they couldn't play our game, but they joined in anyway" or "yes, but it was an accident".
so all understandable and explainable, but then that child goes home with their woes (but not the other side) and the parent steams in with the "B" word. I find the word "bullying" generally unhelpful.

She can't walk but runs

She can't walk? Excuse my ignorance but how does she manage to run then?

I meant she is fast paced so doesn't walk anywhere but runs, she finds it hard to sit and be of a slower pace

Then you need to teach her. assuming you are not thinking she has additional needs.

And I say that as the parent where 2/3 of my children have caused group leaders to ask if they have additional needs because of boisterousness!

SoupDragon you can help to a certain extent but it's fairly normal for a four year old to need to move - it's why most educational systems are still play based - there's a lot of evidence that too much time sitting is very bad for the mental and physical health of young children. It's a developmental stage that can't be rushed.

Where did I suggest they shouldn't move?

I thought's that what you meant from your POST, OP said her DD needs to move a lot and you said you need to help her. Wasn't trying to start a fight honestly! I do see the attitude quite a lot in the UK (not necessarily from you!) that children should be able to sit still for long periods of time day in day out when actually for some kids that's not at all natural or healthy!

Of course though children need to learn about which type of behaviour is appropriate for which situation - not saying they should be allowed to run around restaurants or jump on tables etc. Just a bit unfair if kids are expected to sit and not run around for long stretched of time at school.

I would teach her to walk where she needs to. They probably have rules about walking indoors in school for eg and I'm sure teaching staff spend a lot of time reminding most kids but that rule when they are little. But in the playground running should be encouraged.

Definitely don't go there. If it has happened at school then it definitely needs sorting through school. I would actually all school myself.

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread? Let school deal with it? She is your child, it is your job to ensure she doesn't push other kids over and isn't too rough.

No you can't necessarily punish her for something you didn't see, but you needn't I ask her about it, ask if she hurt people, find out why. Why would you not even talk to her about it?!

I thought's that what you meant from your POST, OP said her DD needs to move a lot and you said you need to help her.

The OP said her DD couldn't walk and had to run and couldn't find a slower pace. Helping her do that and channelling energy properly is not the same as stopping them moving.

Lord knows I've run the whole gamut of challenging behaviours with DS2 in his 16 years. hes improved greatly since his days in reception and that's not because I let him run everywhere like a loose canon.

It sounds as if op tries to sort out undesirable behaviour but it is obviously a phase she is going through so, to an extent, it's a case of managing it best she can, liaising with the school. It's not going to change overnight. Most children in know who were difficult at that age are fine now. I do think sometimes parents unnecessarily get their kninkers in a twist. I have too and regret it because it can ruin friendships

Sure SoupDragon but we were talking about playground behaviour here - if she needs to move a lot she should certainly be allowed to do it in the playground, just needs to be careful. I doubt OP encourages her DD to run around a restaurant but noting that she's high energy is just a fact and something that should be directed not changed.

augustbody Op has said she has talked to her DD about it, but her DD is four. Four year olds don't learn by being told in advance how to behave, they haven't always developed the skills to know where to draw the line with physical play. They need to be constantly reminded and helped as it happens. OP says she does this at home and the school need to do i at school. Being too rough playing tag is very normal four year behaviour. They should be picked up on it but it's hardly a huge concern and we have no idea what actually happened. OP's DD might not even have done anything wrong.

Holes -- Stop. You are being deliberately "challenged" by what Soup said, when nothing she said is in any way unclear. I am sorry that this is a pet peeve of yours, but Soup is the wrong target. Pick someone with point of view that is opposite of yours. At this point you are just coming across like you just need to have the last word.

These two women sound horrible. Clearly bitching about your dd behind your back. Just delete their numbers.

My DD is 11. I have had very few issues with her throughout her schooling, only minor stuff which was always dealt with by the school there and then. But there was something which happened between her and another girl in her class who lives across the road from us. They used to walk to school together, play together. But her mum texted me in a right strop one day saying that my dd had pushed her dd in class. I asked my dd about it and apparently this girl had pushed another girl and my dd had told her not to so she then pushed my dd and my dd pushed back. Just typical 11 year old girls being silly. Teacher told all three of them to pack it in or they would all end up in detention and that was it.

But this mum texted to say my dd was no longer welcome at their house, that they would no longer be walking to school together and my dd was to stay away from her dd. Difficult in the same street and class! Since then my dd has mentioned lots of little things like this girl putting her homework in the bin claiming she didn't see a name on it, trying to talk to her in class to get her in trouble.

It's fucking ridiculous that it's gone this far. I cannot wait until year 7 when they mix the 5 classes up again and hope that they are nowhere near each other!

Oh and my dd came home one day with both knees completely scraped where she'd been tripped by another child. It just happens. They were all playing, they both ran in the same direction, dd fell, shredded both knees and got two massive plasters on them. (and I had to sew up her trousers again)

I'm really not I specifically said I wasn't trying to be argumentative and of you'll read my post said that it wasn't necessary SOUP that had that attitude. I think you're misinterpreting my post I have no problem with SOUP at all! I thought we were just having a discussion!