To think you shouldn't ask parents to deal with school issues

[Wonderingwoe]

My little girl hasn't been invited to a few parties recently and whilst she was upset we just distracted her and got on with our weekends
I did wonder if it was because of her being a lot more boisterous than the other girls but maybe not quite fitting in with the boys either so not finding a group as yet ( only reception ) but I've had a few messages these evening from two mums who I've known a while as both their children went to the school pre school like my daughter, one I'm closer too than the other but on friendly terms with both although I don't do any of the school runs so tend to see them at the parties she is invited to, church and in the parks etc.
Anyhoo, messages both read that last week my daughter hurt both their children in the playground 😳
One she pushed over apparently for no reason at all ( mum I'm not that close too ) and the other she tagged hard playing tag causing her to fall over.
They've asked me to speak to her before they speak to the teacher.
Husband thinks they are a pair of bitches and whatever I say to her tomorrow morning will be forgotten by lunchtime so don't even bother and let them go to the teacher.
I'm really embarrassed, I haven't replied as yet

Your dc never once accidentally tagged someone too hard, or ran into the or barged past anyone, or accidentally knocked them with their elbows cowgirl? Really? And how would you even know?

There are so many people on this thread drawing huge conclusions from one fact (Ops child tagged someone too hard) and one unsubstantiated allegation.

Your girl sounds normal and active op. She probably behaves like girls should behave if they aren't socialised into being sensible and delicate little flowers. If a boy had knocked another over playing tag it wouldn't even be commented on. I would just encourage your dd to give those 2 kids a wide berth and I would be doing the same with the parents. I've got older kids and there are always parents like this texting and going into the school over every minor thing, convinced that everyone is wronging their child and that their child would never lie about anything. It is those children that end up isolated in the end ime because the other parents can't be bothered with them and the other kids are sick of the tell tailing over nothing. The teacher will get sick of them soon enough as well.

Of course they did BarbarianMum That is not bullying behaviour. Deliberate, repeated pushing can however be bullying.

haven't rtft but OP _ I'm feeling for you here.

I have a very energetic bouncy 4 year old. I think it is totally inappropriate to directly text another parent about a minor playground incident.

If my son told me another child had hit him (He has ocassionally mentioned being upset etc) I would NEVER mention it to the parent - I would go to the teacher, ask if they were aware of this other childs behaviour and ask them to deal with it.

But no one has said that the OP' s dd is repeatedly pushing anyone, so why bring up bullying? She has done nothing your own children may not have done

Why then is she being excluded from social events if this isn't repeated behaviour?

She isn't being excluded form social events......she doesn't play with the girls so why would they invite her to their parties????? My son wasn't invited to girls parties because he never played with them, all perfectly normal.

Being invited to the parties of the children you play with and not to the parties of children you don't is not social exclusion.

Is she being left out of whole class parties because if not I wouldn't expect my kids to be invited to the parties of kids they don't play with. When mine have had parties they have either invited everyone or I've let them choose some friends and I also invite some of my own friends kids.

I'm guessing your beef BarbarianMum is because your dc have been accused of bullying? Just a guess. Sadly we've been at the other end of this and I'm afraid my experience and the experience of friends who have been through similar things is exactly as per my first post. It doesn't surprise me that the response is that the children who have been hurt are wrong, the mums are bitches/idiots/ganging up on the bullies mother, it's a matter of interpretation etc.

I would always speak to my child and find out their side first. Ive learnt that the hard way with my eldest. I was recently messaged by a mum (who im quite close to) because her daughter didnt want to go to school anymore because my daughter was nasty to her. Turned out my daughter had only called her bossy when she was bossing her around. Some little girls are drama queens. Speak to your daughter and speak to teacher to see if shes noticed anything going on. I have an older daughter too and nine times out of ten the parent complaining didn't have half the story.

Cowgirl do you not accept that sometimes kids collide when playing and knock each other over? I know this has happened both ways with my kids ie they have been knocked over and also knocked someone over. Knocking someone over playing tag isn't bullying. Using tag as an excuse to repeatedly and deliberately shove kids over may be bullying but that's not what has happened.

FloggingMolly, it was something that had been developing slowly over the previous few months (my DD being quite controlling over games they played, what friend did etc). I obviously hadn't been aware how the children were getting on at school, because I am not there! If I had been made aware by friend, then I could have spoken to my DD, and myself and friend could have spoken to the teacher together about managing the problem.

Which is in fact exactly what I did a few years later when DD had an issue with a different girl in the class. And it worked very successfully - teacher and both parents were all on the same page about tactics, there was no sniping about each other behind backs, we all tackled it together. Totally the best way of dealing with it imo.

Yes I do accept that dc have accidents and I have said that in pretty much every post I have written.

No cowgirl I promise that has never, ever been the case. Not so much as a quiet word from the teacher, or a text from an friendly mum - they are gentle kids . Nor have either experienced bullying (I did as a child though), although they have been tagged too hard, been bumped into and bumped into others more times than I care to count. And both, when little, were occasionally indignant about someone hurting them on purpose when it was clearly an accident.

The point I am making Barbarian is a broader one I suppose. Parents of bullies often work to a script. Nobody wants their dc to be classed bullies but that actually does not help the bully deal with why they are acting like that, and it certainly does not help the bullied children.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I would have thought that the two parents probably thought they were being helpful and honest giving you a heads up by letting you know in advance that your daughter's schoolyard behaviour was such that they felt obliged to raise the issue with the teacher. Wouldn't you rather hear that from the parents so you had a chance to hear your daughter's side of the story, rather than having it come as a bolt out of the blue when the teacher asks for a word (which I imagine they will)?

I agree that they should have approached the school, they need to observe what's going on and to find out if there something behind this or children that simply do not get on well together.

I've had problems with one particular child but I didn't discuss it with the parents, a lot of the bad behavior happened when they were there so I saw no point in pointing out the obvious to them and just stopped play dates. They've asked why several times and I've just said that the kids just aren't compatible and they'd both be happier playing with other friends because I don't see the need for arguments. We're on the other side of the problem but even if we weren't we'd still focus on our child and the school.

cowgirl well my DS has certainly never been accused of bullying (he's the sensitive type so definitely on the other side of the fence) and I agree with Barbarian. Obviously some children get bullied and that should be dealt with from every possible angle (at home and at school) but to equate a couple of incidents of kids being knocked over - most likely accidentally with bullying is not at all fair.

1 incident of (possibly) accidental pushing over isn't bullying though. If the parents mentioned in the op are going to be ringing around and going into the school every time their child is knocked over in the playground good luck to them getting the school to listen if their kids ever do get bullied!

That's not really what I am saying NoCleanClothes Please read my posts before sidling up to other posters and disagreeing with me.

Example: ds2 once had to have a friend's tooth remove from his knee (!) when said child feel on top of him on the climbing frame (lots of screaming, lots of blood). He told the doctor at a&e that his friend had bitten him! Poor friend had was at dentists getting the rest of his tooth removed.

Yeh, the coordinated messages are a little over-the-top, and since they've already decided to tell the school the very next day, why bother telling you so late the night before? What could you possibly do in such short period when dd is already asleep, to stop them from telling school? And why would you want to stop them anyway? Things like this should be handled through school in the first place. Going directly to parents never ends well. Message back that you'll follow up with school yourself.

But you should have a talk with dd about checking her strength when playing with other kids. She is very energetic and is probably not aware that she's been a little to forceful that's all.

my son is boisterous too and if he was to push another kid during play, one of the teacher will be on it. Same if he is pushed. Talk to the teacher first to get a sense of how it is going with your daughter and other kids during playtime.