To think you shouldn't ask parents to deal with school issues

[Wonderingwoe]

My little girl hasn't been invited to a few parties recently and whilst she was upset we just distracted her and got on with our weekends
I did wonder if it was because of her being a lot more boisterous than the other girls but maybe not quite fitting in with the boys either so not finding a group as yet ( only reception ) but I've had a few messages these evening from two mums who I've known a while as both their children went to the school pre school like my daughter, one I'm closer too than the other but on friendly terms with both although I don't do any of the school runs so tend to see them at the parties she is invited to, church and in the parks etc.
Anyhoo, messages both read that last week my daughter hurt both their children in the playground 😳
One she pushed over apparently for no reason at all ( mum I'm not that close too ) and the other she tagged hard playing tag causing her to fall over.
They've asked me to speak to her before they speak to the teacher.
Husband thinks they are a pair of bitches and whatever I say to her tomorrow morning will be forgotten by lunchtime so don't even bother and let them go to the teacher.
I'm really embarrassed, I haven't replied as yet

Oh, and yes, of course I would (and have!) tell my boys not to be so boisterous if they've pushed someone over.

I have boys. They have been pushed over deliberately. I don't think it's any less upsetting whether it's a boy or a girl.

cowgirl well all we've established is that OP's DD accidentally pushed over another child and may have pushed another over (no one knows if this happened) yet you called her a bully. Hardly helpful.

I had a mother phone me last year about my dd 'bullying' her dd. (The girls were in year 6). It was very much your dd did this, did that and it's all your dds fault. I was furious after the phone call, but after speaking to dd and a couple of others, it turns out that it was only partly true. I phoned the school, who got to the bottom of it for me. The other girls had been low level bullying a few of the others for a little while and dd had retaliated back. Cue for other girl to go home crying to her mother meaning I got a phone call. She wasn't quite so smug when she got the phone call back to say I had delt with it via school and it turns out her daughter is a liar and bully.

So, yes, I agree, go to the school, see what they say. You can not take the word of children as gospel with something like this, you have to get both sides of the story and preferably a reliable witness who knows what's going on.

I do teach my children right from wrong, but very much think if stuff is going on at school, school need to be sorting it out.

Just have a word with your dd about being too boisterous and remind her that not everyone likes rough play. Y'know, do some parenting instead of expecting the school to do it for you.

You and your dh sound very unreasonable. Calling the mothers of your child's victims 'bitches'. Is your dh always such a misogynist?

Not RTFT. But just wanted to say that I was in the same position when DD1 was in reception and so called "friend" (actually friend's husband) went into school without telling me and the result was that DD had a lecture from the head and deputy head about bullying and I had a phone call from the head. I was so upset. I had thought that she would be a good enough friend to come and talk to me first if she had issues with our daughters' relationship. After the call from the head I could see exactly what the problem was (they had played together for years) and I would have been happy to sort it out with my daughter, and I'm pretty sure I could have sorted it. Instead my 5 year old thought that she was a bully - she made comments about it every so often for a good few months - which really wasn't the case, in any case she was 5!!

I think they have done the right thing in calling you first, be grateful that they have. Perhaps give them a call or meet up for coffee to find out what the dynamics are and then you can speak to your DD, and they can speak to their children if necessary. It is hard, but you can feel virtuous afterwards for having done some good parenting work!

That's hilarious NoCleanClothes You have decided this was an accident, although two parents were worried enough about the incidents to phone the parent in question.

You also believe that bullying charities, schools and the Government who have taken advice from education experts on what constitutes bullying and published that information to assist the public are unhelpfully labelling children as bullies. No wonder so many children get away with such bad behaviour.

Why could you only see what the problem was after the HT had called you, tootsie? Presumably, you would have ignored it continued to not notice if it hadn't been forcibly brought to your attention?

Teacher said nothing going on at school, she is happy and mainly plays with boys and has never been seen doing anything maliciously so possibly tried to play tag with the other child which was too hard resulting in a fall but the other incident is a hard one as nobody saw it and clearly both our children are saying different things
I think I'll reply saying it's probably best to deal through the school with the differing versions as hard to rely on 4 year olds with this but thanks for letting me know.
I think it's poor form to contact anyone so late at night unless it was hugely important which I think if it was I would have heard Friday not Sunday
We tell her to play more gently when she's in our presence at parks and so on but I'm not there in the playground so unfortunately that can't rely on me if she gets carried away in a game and is too boisterous, the staff need to deal at this point and let me know which nobody ever has.
She hasn't been invited to any girls parties since starting school which I wasn't sure if it's because they find her too loud etc or just because she doesn't play with them

Morphene Indeed.

I'm impressed by the number of posters who have found the OP and her child guilty with zero evidence. All on the hearsay of two coordinated mothers repeating (apparently) from their 4 yr olds, one of whom dislikes the OP's daughter. OP's daughter remembers only an accident in a game of tag.

Yes we all teach our children to be careful with others, at this age accidents happen and the extent to which girls are over criticised for physical activity is ridiculous. Its no wonder they grow up with such lower levels of activity in their normal lives.

I would let the school deal with it as (working in a school office and dealing with these kinds of bumps caused by other children)there are normally 10 versions of the same event. Also as it's a problem at school there isn't much you can do about it at home. These things are best dealt with at the time they take place.

The only problem with that smilingsarahhb is the fact that many people are frustrated with the lack of cooperation from schools when their dc are bullied.

If this was me and I knew my DD was 'boisterous' and 2 parents came and told of 'an incident'. I would be mortified because actually knowing that my daughters behaviour wasn't always amazing I would assume it was more than one incident and a pattern of behaviour that DD was exhibiting at school. Then I would feel that I needed to deal with it working with the school and also dealing with DD directly.

Of course it's natural to be initially angry with the people who texted you because it's embarrassing but actually you would probably be just as pissed off with them if they went to the school and the school told you there had been complaints. You'd probably think why the hell hadn't they contacted you directly. Noone wants to hear negative stuff about their kids but issues need dealt with.

Building bridges with these parents might be helpful for your dds future social inclusion. If you could talk to them about how you are going to address it, then they could be helpful - for instance they can tell you if your dd is managing to be less rough, they can help their dds give your dd clear assertive messages so she recognises what she is doing that they don't like.

Thanks for replies but teacher said there is no issue and she wasn't aware of any children getting hurt accidentally or otherwise on Friday so the children must not have told at the time which now makes it quite tricky to unpick
She said my daughter plays with boys so it would be unusual for her to play with girls anyway but will watch playtime this week to see if anything going on

urgh, the whole 'you have to be more careful playing tag with girls' thing is grim. At age 4, the girls are just as physically robust as the boys, they don't need more looking after and they aren't made of china. If the OPs DD has been happily playing tag with the boys day in day out without incident then it is either a supreme coincidence that the only child who fell after being tagged happened to be a girl, or more likely the only parent who felt it wasn't okay for their child to fall over during a game is the one with the poor delicate fragile girl.

such sexist bullshit.

Yanbu! Two messages within minutes is very bitchy indeed. I bet they were discussing you and your dd and then decided to send them.

I'd tell the teacher tbh, and tell her you felt vindicated and unable to respond because you can't punish/discipline your child for something that happened days ago when she was at school. Also tell the teacher to let the parents know not to message you again and to talk to the teacher from now on as you believe the school should deal with any inappropriate behaviour AT SCHOOL. And that you'll carry on reminding dd about being gentle and being kind at home.

Stupid cows. How can a 4 year old be labelled a bully?!

It's not a matter of separating school and home. It's just about getting the facts first. If my kids told me that another had hit them then as a one off if I felt it was dealt with I'd let it go. If it was more frequent I would want to go to the school and see what was going on. Not text a parent saying this has happened because my child said so and you need to speak to your child. Aside from anything else you just risk embarrassing yourself. The only time another parent has ever approached me about my childs behaviour I spoke to the teacher about the incident and it turned out that what had happened was the reverse of what the other child had said! The other parent wasn't so keen to approach me to apologise after accusing my ds of something on the say so of her child.

Cowgirl, my son experienced some terrible bullying in this last year and we were lucky enough to be well supported by the school. I don't know how I would have felt if we didn't get support. But I think it's a big leap to say this 4 year old is bully and for her mother to treat her like one without first asking the schools opinion

I think that I'd just tell the mothers that you've spoken to the school & leave it at that.

Has she been invited to any parties of the boys she plays with?

If she's not friends with any girls then she probably wouldn't be invited to their parties.

Idk, my kids were friends with boys & girls at that age & they all played together.

Wondering a friend of mine had a similar issue not long ago. Their DD fell out with friends DD. Little sly pushes in class sending my friends DD flying and the parents approached my friend. My friend replied that she'd spoken to her DD and it appeared to be six of one and half a dozen of the other. Also, she thought it best that if the issue continued (the incidents were happening in class) then it would be better for the person to approach the school rather than her.

cow I think people are taking issue at a 4yo being called a bully and rightly so. My DD was severely bullied - to the point where my dear 10yo is in counselling and goes to a much more effective school which is a 30/40 minute walk away from where we live. We've lived through the hell of my DD being bullied by half the class and the ringleaders mum not giving a shit. Never mind the teachers. They had DD down as 'a bit sensitive'. you'd be bloody sensitive too if you had the same child threatening to beat you up everyday. Openly. In front of the teachers. And my dear little girl being told that the nastiest girl of the group 'had friendship issues'. Yeah no shit Sherlock oh and the other one was never pulled because their mum was a TA and they'd been telling their mum that I'd been threatening to beat them up! Hadn't bloody seen the child in months! So maybe I am projecting a little but I am a bit at the word bully being bandied around so freely about a 4year old.

If the school aren't concerned then OP shouldn't be. OP in the nicest way possible I dont think it helped on this thread with the 'hubby thinks they're just bitches' comment. Also the 11:15 text may not have been at the time they were both gossiping/talking about the incident.
I didn't know anything was going off with my DD until she broke down at 1am in the morning. She was frightened of getting into trouble with the teachers if I found out what had been happening.
Yes it is possible for a 4yo to be sly and naughty and hit out / be boisterous. It is also possible for children or that age to take hard knocks through play without realising. My 10yo DD just came hack from activity camp with a broken foot. She didn't break it on any or the activities. She broke it having a race with her friends and twisting it funny. That sharply it snapped. I can well believe a 4yo can hurt someone unintentionally as they often dont realise their own strength.

If the mums say anything OP just say you've made school aware of the issue and any further reports are to go through them. Then for gods sake delete their bloody numbers!

The point I am making is that hitting, pushing etc is considered to be bullying behaviour. My own dc managed to get through the 4 year old stage without hitting, kicking, pushing etc. I agree, it's unpalatable to call a 4 year old a bully. I don't know if this girl is or isn't but sadly, there are 4 year old bullies out there, and they need help to recognise their behaviour is unacceptable.

Yes she has been invited to the boys parties
She just insterested in dressing up and playing with dolls so I knew she may be left out of girls parties

At reception it's usually the parents who do the inviting, with the dc not having the amount of input they would at later years.

Ds was invited to boys' and girls' parties in reception, even though he wasn't interested in dressing up and playing with dolls either.

I think your DD's exuberance may be having more of an adverse effect than you realise

That's possible but I can't change her personality
She can't walk but runs, can't scoot but speeds, I do notice the other girls walking along nicely holding parents hands looking at h