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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Will I be a pariah forever?

21 replies

KitterKatter · 04/02/2017 23:40

Ex h and I have 3 DC. I left him for another man 3 years ago. He had a drink problem and was often emotionally abusive to DD.

Half my family disowned me. Most of our friends took his side.

I'm still with the other man and we have a baby.

He's remarried and has a new baby and had come out the hero, I'm always going to be the bad guy.

I'm still consider a pariah by people in our community and by half my family.

Aibu to think this is unfair, or is this my penance?

OP posts:

MrsBlennerhassett · 04/02/2017 23:46

Well i think the 'friends' have all done you a favour. They are obviously not worth your time and have helpfully made you aware that they are dickheads.

Try not to be angry because its pity you should feel. Do you really think hes changed? His new woman and that child will suffer because of him and not see it coming because everyone seems to love him.
Focus on your kids and your man. You deserve to be happy.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 04/02/2017 23:49

It is absolutely unfair and you don't deserve it at all.
Your family and friends saw the side of him HE wanted to portray to them. Only when he was alone in his home with just you and DD did he let that facade drop and show his true colours. They never saw that side to him, so don't understand how bad things were.
Some people will think because you met and gained feelings for another man whilst still with him, and chose to leave to be with someone else that you're a cheat, because again they've never experienced a relationship where you're treated badly and just lose all positive feelings for the person you are with.
My LDR ex was abusive, my reason to stay as long as i did was because my mum died whilst i was with him, didn't know about his abuse and i couldn't stand the thought of letting her die believing a lie so i had to make the relationship work. I had stopped loving him long ago, didn't even like him, and had feelings for one of his friends. Said friend never knew as i knew he wouldn't feel the same and he was absolutely not a relationship person let alone a long distance one, but it made it all the more obvious to me i needed to get out.

Teaholic · 04/02/2017 23:50

I think anybody who views him as a hero is giving you permission to withdraw your friendship from them.

Not as complicated as I just left to be single but when I left my abusive ex and anybody said anything along the lines of ''six of one and half a dozen of each other'' or ''ah don't be vindictive now'' or ''don't be spiteful'' etc.. then I deleted them off fb or deleted their number.

It's only your Penance if you care what they think. Hold your head up and be friendly to the friends and familiy who are not casting an abusive man in the role of a hero.

Original poster

KitterKatter · 05/02/2017 00:19

Thank you for all your supportive messages.

I know I did wrong, but I'm really struggling to deal with being the bad guy still, three years on. The guilt is crippling. It's a bitter pill to swallow yet I feel j have no right to even feel this way after what I did.

OP posts:

Original poster

KitterKatter · 05/02/2017 00:23

Really appreciate you sharing your stories too

OP posts:

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 05/02/2017 01:02

Those who care don't matter
Those who matter don't care

It's shown you who your real friends are.

Wish you all the best.

EmeraldScorn · 05/02/2017 02:56

You have a new life with your children and hopefully a man who treats you well - So let the past be and anyone from your past who can't move on should be cut dead from your life.

Being carefree about the opinions of others is the best medicine!

PenelopeFlintstone · 05/02/2017 03:09

His drink problem and abusive behaviour will both resurface and you'll be vindicated. As they say, 'Truth will out'! Build a new life, which will take time, and wait and watch - it will happen!

frauleinsallybowles · 05/02/2017 08:57

sleep its the other way arounf those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind..

MorrisZapp · 05/02/2017 09:01

Your own family wanted you to stay with an abusive alcoholic? That's not normal. Is this a religious thing?

Mumzypopz · 05/02/2017 09:06

I take it all the three children went to live with you?

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/02/2017 09:09

Assuming you left him and took your DC with you, which it sounds like the case, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

The truth will eventually come out.

MakeItRain · 05/02/2017 09:16

You just have to "know" that you were right to leave him and in doing so you were protecting your children and giving a clear message about unacceptable behaviour.

When I split up with my ex, most of his family ended up hating me, despite the fact that what we all went through with him was horrific. Sometimes it can still shock me that I ended up the "bad guy" in their eyes after all he put us through, but most of me is just proud of myself for getting me and my children out. I think his family have their own problems and hidden abusive behaviour to contend with, which is why they could blind themselves to the reality of our relationship. I also think many men (and I'm sure women) are fantastic at presenting themselves in a good light, and unless you live with them it's probably difficult to see the bad side.

Just feel proud you got out. Maybe the timing wasn't great, but the important thing is you found someone who values and loves you.

Try not to take it personally that others sided with him. They just don't know or for whatever reasons can't allow themselves to listen to the true story. Surround yourself with people who care enough about you to listen to your side because they're really the only people who matter.

FittonTower · 05/02/2017 09:38

While ever you are with an abusive man you're a shield to the family - you're dealing with it and your normalising the behaviour. When you leave they have to start dealing with the realities a bit more.
You left for another man - gives then a good excuse to bury their heads in the sand and blame you.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/02/2017 09:45

Depends how you did it and what they know.

If you behaved in a truly shitty way that hurt your children a lot people will form an opinion about you.

If you are trying to make amends and your life is better now then I would suggest getting some help to build your confidence back up and get over the guilt.

Katy07 · 05/02/2017 11:22

But maybe those people have issues with you because you left him for another man - not because you left him because of the alcohol & abuse? If you'd left and there hadn't been someone else then they'd probably be on your side, but because you've cheated on him you're automatically the bad guy, and more so if they don't know about the alcohol etc. because in their minds there's nothing to offset the cheating.

BenadrylCucumberpatch · 05/02/2017 12:40

I left him for another man 3 years ago.

Did you take DCs with you, OP?

araiwa · 05/02/2017 12:43

if you had just left, i think many would be supportive of you

but leaving for another man is entirely different

BenadrylCucumberpatch · 05/02/2017 12:46

I only ask because you said this:

He's remarried and has a new baby and has come out the hero, I'm always going to be the bad Guy

If, from the outside, he was suddenly left with 3 dependant DCs while his wife went off happily with a new guy, and he's now married, raising the children and has welcomed a new baby with his DW, then most people will view him in a very good and respectable light.

Original poster

KitterKatter · 06/02/2017 22:11

Thanks all. Yes the children live with me for the main part of the week and stay with him 2 days a week.

He wasn't awful enough that anyone on the outside would notice. He just couldn't control his drinking and would end up drunk a good few times a week. He got help from the doctor (medication) but it didn't work. Not many people knew this.

He was harsher on DD than our other DC. He would often make her cry. He is much kinder to her since we separated.

OP posts:

holidaysaregreat · 06/02/2017 22:35

kitter is it a good idea for him to have access 2 days a week if he isn't nice to her? Surely the drinking would make him not safe to have them alone?

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