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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have decided I'm just an ego boost

18 replies

jacinya7 · 31/01/2017 15:25

Met this guy and he was a bit flirty and also very kind to me.Suddenly from nowhere he got shy and angry with me. We never dated, he never asked me out. He did ask for my number to keep in contact.

He does message every few weeks to ask how I'm getting on but there's never much of a conversation. More a 'how are you?'

I just presumed he uses me for female company/attention. Deep down I think he's a nice guy who, while I was in his friendship group living in his local area, was really kind to me but who I seem to have annoyed somehow.

I quite like him but I never show it or flirt back so I'm thinking of just changing my number and forgetting about this guy but our mutual friends think he actually really likes me and is just plucking up the courage to ask me out.

I just think eventhough I've never said I like him he knows, and messages to keep me interested and my attention on him. He's not messaged any of our other female friends and they've even said he's not replied to their messages. They gave him attention which he brushed off so sometimes I agree that he likes me but basically, if he did he'd have made more of a move.

So I'm going to delete him as I think I'm just an ego boost. I'm too old for this nonsense and have been asked out by a guy from our friendship group who genuinely likes me. AIBU to just forget about him eventhough I really like him?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 31/01/2017 15:27

YANBU. Surprised you need to ask. You've got someone else interested. Move along, nothing to see here

OnceUponATimeInAVest · 31/01/2017 15:28

If you like him, ask him out.

TheNaze73 · 31/01/2017 15:29

There doesn't appear from the face of it, to worry about. He doesn't sound interested, so don't overthink it, move on & enjoy

Birdsgottafly · 31/01/2017 15:29

He might be using a tactic to make you do the running.

As you say, you get past an age were you want to play games and especially mind games.

I'd stop engaging with someone who got angry with me, for no reason, that's primary school behaviour.

Original poster
jacinya7 · 31/01/2017 15:32

I don't want to ask him out. I genuinely believe if he was interested he would. I don't think men need encouragement with a woman they like. They just go for it and make things happen. If he's got the motivation to message me, he could easily use that time to message to invite me somewhere. He never does. It's always a 'how are you doing'?

I don't know if he knows I like him (I'm good at hiding these things'. But if he does he's either enjoying stringing me along, or enjoys staying in contact as he likes me as a friend. But either way, it's not good for me this interaction.

If I didn't like him I would view it differently and he's not actually done anything wrong, but this interaction is bad for me I feel.

OP posts:
strugglingwithmaths · 31/01/2017 15:50

There was an article in the Times about this recently. Apparently it's called "breadcrumbing"- throwing people crumbs of attention but never offering the whole loaf. (Or something like that. Disclaimer- only read a bit of the article!)

FireInTheHead · 31/01/2017 15:50

Not sure what you want from this thread. Do you want a relationship with/fancy this guy and are a bit miffed he hadn't made a move? If not, not sure what your problem is? Maybe he just wants to know how you are doing when he asks how you are doing. You say he messages you every few weeks which suggests at least some months since you first got to know him. If he saw you as a prospective partner or even just a notch on the headboard, I agree, he'd have made a move by now, what would he have to gain by keeping you on a string for that long without making some move to reel you in? He sees you as a casual friend no more, no need to block him any more than you'd block any other casual friend who messages you only occasionally.
You don't want to ask him out and I don't see him being particularly arsed to ask you out so block him if you don't want to be occasional contact friends or don't block him if you do.

Original poster
jacinya7 · 31/01/2017 15:53

Yeah I do like him. It's not so much annoyance about him not asking me out, more that I feel I'm being led on.

Maybe that's unfair but he will message fairly regularly andI think part of that is his not wanting me to forget about him as he likes the fact I like him.

He could of course just want to keep in casual contact. I don't know which. Maybe he does like me as more than a friend.

I don't know how to find out either. I don't want to ask him and his interaction is making me sad.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 31/01/2017 15:59

Why are you sad? It's 2017, you can ask men out if you're interested

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 31/01/2017 15:59

I would block him and forget. I couldn't go out with him whoever did the asking - I couldn't be with anyone who appeared to be either using me or was so immature that he didn't realise how childish he was being.

However I sense that if he does ask you may well say yes. Think carefully - you've already had advance warning of the type of person he is, and he'll carry on with this sort of behaviour. He'll reel you in then disappear, physically or emotionally or both, until it suits him to have you hanging on to him again.

OnceUponATimeInAVest · 31/01/2017 16:05

If you don't like him enough to ask him out, and messaging occasionally is making you unhappy, then yes, you should block him and move on.

I'm not sure that occasionally asking how you are really qualifies as leading you on, though. In that case, I'm leading on my mum.

FireInTheHead · 31/01/2017 16:05

So you don't want to ask what he's playing at (if he's actually playing at anything) but it's making you miserable not being able to read his mind and he can't read your mind so probably isn't even aware there's a problem and isn't therefore just going to up and tell you he's leading you on/just wants to be friends. What do you want people here to tell you? We don't know what he's thinking either. There's no answer to this circular dilemma other than you doing something about it.

And I'm going to advise against you taking up the offer from the guy in your friendship group for the simple reason that it would be unfair on him. To engage in a relationship with a second choice when you have an unresolved hang up another guy is a rotten thing to do.

Original poster
jacinya7 · 31/01/2017 16:13

I don't even know if he is doing anything. All he's done is flirt and send a few messages asking how I'm doing. I can't exactly then ask what he's playing at. That's just weird.

OP posts:
Dahlietta · 31/01/2017 16:20

I don't think men need encouragement with a woman they like. They just go for it and make things happen.

Men aren't all the same, you know. If I believed this, I would not be married now!

Not that I think he necessarily sounds like one to pursue - I just think your reasoning is skewed.

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2017 16:37

Just send him a text saying "I'm fine, fancy a coffee sometime".

Chloe84 · 31/01/2017 16:50

Suddenly from nowhere he got shy and angry with me

Eh? You seem to think it's fine to be treated this way. Delete and block.

DJBaggySmalls · 31/01/2017 16:52

strugglingwithmaths
Apparently it's called "breadcrumbing"- throwing people crumbs of attention but never offering the whole loaf.

Breadcrumbing? I need a list of these tactics. I'm pretty sure I've spotted a few.

Original poster
jacinya7 · 31/01/2017 17:01

I've heard of breadcrumbing but I think that's no really what he's doing as he's not sending flirty messages.

OP posts:
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