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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I answered this badly?

10 replies

beemee · 31/01/2017 00:30

I work in finance and today had a mini-interview/intro to a new team (for cx, im very junior).

The team were very friendly, jokey, maybe a bit laddish - all senior to me, significantly so, mainly men.

The partner/head of the team then proceeded to ask me how I felt about swearing - and then listed lots of words off ("the s word" "the c word" "the b word", spelling them out not naming them) to garner my opinion on them...

I was quite taken aback and sort of giggled nervously and said I felt fine/postivie (!) about swearing (I don't really have a problem with it but feel like I sounded like a stupid giggly people-pleaser!!) and said fine to all the words apart from cunt basically.

He then asked me to rate the meeting out of 10 at the end - again I replied in a giggly way saying 11! I hate myself! Feel like I sounded silly and girly.

I do want to work with these people and am not offended in the slightest but what would have been a better response?!

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 31/01/2017 00:33

What a weird meeting!! What where they assessing you for?

Better response would have been a Hmm face followed by "youre an adult, swear if you want, I'm not your mother."

Original poster
beemee · 31/01/2017 00:35

It was really their team meeting and I was shadowing/listening in...

I'm really embarrassed at how I responded though. Wasn't an assessment really at all.

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 31/01/2017 00:38

So they were having their own meeting and I'm guessing that usually involves swearing? But because you were there they asked how you felt about it first? Was that because you are female?

Original poster
beemee · 31/01/2017 00:40

Yup I assume so - either that or because I'm new to the team!!

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 31/01/2017 00:49

Ok so it's done now, pretend it never happened. When you start working with them you are not a giggly girl who has delicate ears. You are a colleague there to work like the rest of them. Do not tolerate being treated differently ( even in the name of chivalry!) muck in and get on with the job.

Meowstro · 31/01/2017 01:10

It's one day, brush it off. You'll have the real you to show them as you get into your role!

LilacSpatula · 31/01/2017 01:17

Why would you want to work with them? Sorry but they sound totally unprofessional to me.

Seeingadistance · 31/01/2017 01:33

This isn't about how you answered. They shouldn't have asked in the first place. I wouldn't want to be a member of that team.

melj1213 · 31/01/2017 02:20

But because you were there they asked how you felt about it first? Was that because you are female?

Why does it have to be because she is female and not just because she's a new member of the team? Maybe they were trying to be, slightly clunkily, respectful of the fact they don't know the OP so don't want to offend by using their usual "friendly, jokey" langauge without checking first the sam way they would any other newcomer to the team as opposed to purely because of her gender.

If this was a "sort of" interview, they're going to want to assess how well she'd fit into the group so if everyone was going to have to temper their language from now on because she wasn't comfortable with it, maybe this wasn't the team for her to join?

OP in your place I probably would have just tried to make light of it but also be constructive, so once the team leader had spelled the words out I probably would have replied with something like "Well it's a bit late now if I don't approve them now you've spelled them out to me, haha! But seriously, I generally don't mind a bit of swearing and bad language, as long as it's all in good humour and not directed at people in a negative way, so there's no problem there for me."

I think at the end of the meeting when he asked you how to rate it, I probably would have tried to go with rating it highly, but make sure to "justify" it with constructive comments about why you felt that, even just an "11 out of ten for me, I was really impressed by the way the team did XYZ and how ABC worked so well. I'm really looking forward to working with this group etcetc". That way it feels like a purposeful comment and you're showing that you've seen some good things to highlight about working with the group rather than just a giggly moment, but that can sometimes be hard to come up with when you're just put on the spot like that.

OneWithTheForce · 31/01/2017 02:35

Why does it have to be because she is female and not just because she's a new member of the team?

It doesn't have to be. Hmm I was asking if it was. The question was the giveaway Wink

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