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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH should report his colleagues

21 replies

DPworkissue · 30/01/2017 22:42

Name changed just in case it's identifying.

DH went on a works weekend away this past weekend.
Before he went he interviewed for a job in team B as a supervisor. He currently supervises team C. On the first day of the weekend away the head of the company told DH that they wanted him to have a job supervising on team A instead. DH accepted the job on team A verbally.

That night the whole work team went for a drink. DH introduced himself to some of team A that were also there as well as hanging out with his current work team. Later in the night DH went back to the hotel bar with a work mate. A couple of team A arrived and started making fun of DH saying that his workmates had better watch out because DH is gay and therefore will try and turn his workmates etc. DH ignored them because they were really drunk and so he left the room.

The next day they did team building exercises and DH was in charge of a mixed team which included some of team A who DH had seen the night before. They kept messing around and not listening to DH but they were listening to other people.

This morning before they left DHs friend stopped him and told him that the same people from team A had been saying homophobic things about DH.

So DH arrived home today really upset. It took him a while to tell me what had happened.
I think he needs to report these people. But he doesn't want to because they are big friends with a couple of the bosses and they will probably just say it was banter and to shrug it off. DH has admitted to me he doesn't want to work on team A anymore but he would rather just suck it up and sign the contract as he doesn't want to let anyone down.

So AIBU to want DH to report it? I don't know how to help him at this point as he doesn't want to rock the boat and upset anyone.

OP posts:

pipsqueak25 · 30/01/2017 22:46

i'd report it, this is not banter it is nasty and needs dealing with pronto, your poor dh that is really horrible for him, i feel angry and upset on his behalf.

icy121 · 30/01/2017 22:46

How big is the company? If there is a proper HR dept report. If "the bosses" own the firm and will do nothing, and may actually harm DH, then I'd be tempted to ignore-whilst-searching-for-a-new-job. Sorry that's a shit situation to be in, but if there's a chance they'll tell DH to just suck it up then he'll be the "trounlemaker" and the culture of the place is toxic and he should get out.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2017 22:50

It's difficult. In theory and an ideal world, yes of course he should report it and yes it would be dealt with. In reality it could back fire and stall his career and do further damage.

Personally I'd accept the job and then relationship build with them. And then he can as supervisor deal with any similar issues.

They will get a big shock that he's the new boss though..😃

CondensedMilkSarnies · 30/01/2017 22:51

How awful for him . Its going to be so difficult for him lead a team who show him such disrespect. If he does report it , will team A know it was him ? It'll make it even harder for him to work with them if so.

ImperialBlether · 30/01/2017 22:52

Did they know he was going to be their boss?

CondensedMilkSarnies · 30/01/2017 22:52

Did team A know he's going to be their supervisor ?

CondensedMilkSarnies · 30/01/2017 22:53

X post Imperial

puglife15 · 30/01/2017 22:56

I'd report them. But second choice would be to take the job then do my level best to manage them out of the business.

ImperialBlether · 30/01/2017 23:03

It's such an odd and nasty and childish thing for them all to do. Surely to god the company could employ better staff than that.

Original poster

DPworkissue · 30/01/2017 23:07

In theory they didn't know DH was going to be their boss, however as they are friends with they bosses it's possible they do actually know.

OP posts:

BIWI · 30/01/2017 23:09

Whilst it was silly, nasty and unpleasant 'banter' (God, I hate that word!), I don't think he should report them.

Instead, he should take quiet pleasure from the fact that he is now their boss. And they don't know.

And then he should 'manage' the hell out of them! First thing I'd do would be to send them on some kind of training about what is/isn't acceptable in the workplace and the world

Congratulations on his promotion.

JackLottiesMum · 30/01/2017 23:25

If these people feel comfortable doing and saying these things to your DH (and others presumably) - his life would be a nightmare if he takes the job as its clear they don't respect him and I would be worried about the culture of a place where this happens. Life is too short and time at work is too long - tell him it would be a mistake to take this job as its only going to lead to stress and unhappiness. Better to cause some stress now and turn it down rather than worse stress in the future.

Benedikte2 · 30/01/2017 23:27

My worry would be that these A team members will band together to make your DH's life miserable so that it is he who is ultimately seen to be the "failure". Unless he is sure he can maintain authority he should not just keep quiet and get on with it. These men are bullies and unlikely to accept him and give him their respect as their supervisor. Probable all caused by one nasty individual who manages to lead the others.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 30/01/2017 23:51

They must be pretty far up the bosses arses then and pretty certain that the bosses would not find their bullying behaviour a problem.

BIWI · 31/01/2017 09:09

Yes, having just re-read your OP, I think the potential problem here isn't with Team A, but with the bosses.

I also worry that your DH isn't authoritative enough to actually supervise the team. It seems an odd bit of banter to really be worried about - surely he could just have laughed it off? (I know it's an offensive thing to say, and I would certainly be challenging them once I was in charge of them!)

Perhaps, as he's only accepted it verbally, it's time for him to talk through the offer, as well as the role/responsibilities, with the bosses?

CondensedMilkSarnies · 31/01/2017 09:54

BIWI I also wondered if he's a strong enough character to take charge . Usually people know those that they can 'banter' with and those that they wouldn't dare to make those remarks to.

Fallonjamie · 31/01/2017 10:05

I'd report for homophobic comments but it does sound like he might not be suited for this job.

RB68 · 31/01/2017 10:14

Take the job and put them on a disciplinary first thing after a rocket meeting individually on the first morning. He will need to outface them the first week or they will make his life living hell

TarragonChicken · 31/01/2017 10:20

Is there a possibility he's been asked to supervise team A rather than team B because management is aware there's a problem with their behaviour? (By this I mean the type of behaviour they displayed in team-building, not homophobic comments.) If so, management should be upfront about this and be offering your dh support.

In terms of the homophobic comments who would he 'report' to? Is there a HR department, or would he be asking his line manager for support in dealing with it, as he is now their supervisor?

Original poster

DPworkissue · 31/01/2017 10:36

Thank you for the replies
DH is a good supervisor which is why they offered him the job on team A rather than B as team A have more responsibilities etc than B. However I am also worried that DH May not be able to handle their behaviour as his self-esteem isn't the best and I'm worried they will take advantage of him.

OP posts:

Sonders · 31/01/2017 10:41

I can't believe anyone is saying he shouldn't report them in at least some capacity! First thing he should do is tell the higher ups what has happened, and as their supervisor he is going to ensure each one of them is disciplined to the furthest extent.

If they don't give him their full support, he should walk away. I can't imagine working for a company that allows that type of behaviour.

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