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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH friend outstays welcome

32 replies

mum19821985 · 27/01/2017 14:16

Hi, I have an issue with dh's friend who, when he comes over, outstays his welcome. Dh's friend came over early in the morning a few days ago, stayed all day, stopped overnight, was still there when we were doing the school run and by 1pm hadn't moved from the couch! By this time I was fed up and went shopping with our young baby. Hubbys friend asked dh if I was annoyed because he was still there. Partly I am embarrassed that he picked up on my annoyance, partly I am glad lol. Hubby works very long hours and I hardly see him. We also have a young family. I have no issue in him seeing friends and I do like his friend a lot but he needs to know when to leave. Even my husband has trouble getting him to go home!

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 27/01/2017 14:18

Stop letting him stay overnight! "Sorry no, that's no good for us, see you again soon, bue"

AnyFucker · 27/01/2017 14:19

Why don't you speak up ?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/01/2017 14:20

Oh Christ, OP, this needs nipping in the bud now. YANBU.

I would tell DH you are happy for his friends to come over but it must be at a convenient time and not for longer than a few hours. Or to meet him somewhere rather than coming to your house. No overnight stays - it isn't appropriate unless he is visiting from hundreds or thousands of miles away and is invited to stay.

He sounds a bit odd tbh - he knew you were annoyed and asked your DH. He sounds immature and childish. I would be mortified if I were him. Tell your DH you find his friend's presence in your home no longer acceptable and he needs to tell him to leave.

Iamastonished · 27/01/2017 14:21

Can you arrange a start and end time of a visit before he comes?

gamerchick · 27/01/2017 14:22

Why doesn't he want to go home?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/01/2017 14:26

You're too nice. Say what you want rather than expecting this man to read your mind.

HecateAntaia · 27/01/2017 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2017 14:35

When you say out stays his welcome, does that mean your welcome only or both you and your husbands welcome?

If both, then husband should deal with it, if just you, then time to talk to your husband.

shovetheholly · 27/01/2017 14:42

The fact that he realised you were cross and stayed anyway is an indication that he's deliberately taking the piss. You and your DH need to set firm boundaries straight away.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 27/01/2017 14:42

My DH has a friend who'd behave like this if you let him. I don't let him! Some people think I'm harsh about it, but he's hard work even in small doses. I have talked with DH and he understands so we ignore all the dropped hints about staying longer. I think you're just going to have to spell it out, visiting for a few hours in the evening is usually ok, but no overnights!

EweAreHere · 27/01/2017 14:43

Why on earth is he there if your DH isn't there visiting with him?

Tell you DH this just isn't working for you and to sort his friend out.

CherryCokeFairy · 27/01/2017 14:44

YANBU

He realized he had outstayed his welcome otherwise he wouldn't have asked your DH the question... he is taking the mik.

DeathStare · 27/01/2017 14:56

You need to practice saying - with a big smile - I'm afraid we're going to have lunch now/bath the kids now/nip out now/do some cleaning now so I'm going to have to as you to leave Have his coat in your hand when you say it and pass it to him.

smearedinfood · 27/01/2017 14:58

I'm with Donkey (never thought I'd say that).

joystir59 · 27/01/2017 15:00

I have a friend like this- she doesn't like her own company much, hates cooking, and hates spending money on heating her own home! I tell her in advance of any visit whether or not she can stay- sometimes I like her staying but I don't like being taken for granted, and, like you, my OH works shifts and time together is precious, whereas my friend has retired. I tell her she needs to come by a certain time and it will not be a late night (she is a night owl). I am not nasty with her at all, but I am very direct and straight forward- hints roll off her shoulders.

Butterymuffin · 27/01/2017 15:02

'It's been nice to see you, but we've got to call it a day / night now. I'll go and get your coat.' Then do this and stand there with the coat so there is no doubt.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 27/01/2017 15:05

Why do you put up with this?

Just tell the bugger to leave......

alltouchedout · 27/01/2017 15:05

So what did your DH say when his friend asked if you were annoyed? Hopefully something along the lines of "damn right she was and I was too, please go home now".

Astro55 · 27/01/2017 15:09

If you were doing the school run - was it a work day? Does DH and friend not have jobs to go too?

Crinkle77 · 27/01/2017 15:12

Well it depends, does your husband want him to leave or is he happy for him to stay? If he wants him to go it's up to your husband to say something. Why should you be made to look like the baddie just cos he won't grow a pair.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/01/2017 16:34

Your DH can say cheerily, "Well great to see you, but kicking you out now. See you {whenever}".
Or you, if he stays again, in the morning:
"So, I have stuff to do, time for you to go!"

smearedinfood Grin

Original poster
mum19821985 · 27/01/2017 17:28

Astro55 it was DH's day off and his friend also had a day off. He had by that point been over since 9am the previous morning 🙁 I have no problem with him stopping the night but it's awkward when we don't know if he's still in the house or not. Hubby is way too nice. Cooks big meals for him, he always has a full English in the morning, then wants to sit and watch films all day for a second day. Dh has even whispered to me that he wants him to leave and neither of us can get him to go! Lots of helpful suggestions though! He has in the past stayed for 3 days and dh admitted that he begins to smell a bit 😯 I think we make it way too comfortable for him tbh.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 27/01/2017 17:53

I believe the phrase you are reaching for is 'Do you not have a home to go to?'. (Can you tell I'm Scottish?)

Seriously, stop pussyfooting around him. Tell him that it's time he was going as you have things to do as a family. It's really not difficult. Open mouth, say words, hold door open, close behind him.

StealthPolarBear · 27/01/2017 17:58

Why is he doing this? Is he lonely?

rollonthesummer · 27/01/2017 18:02

That would drive me nuts! To be honest though-I would just have to tell him to piss off.

How old is he?
Where does he live?
Who does he live with?