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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off about gaming?

19 replies

gentlydoesit89 · 23/01/2017 01:03

We're both in our 30s.. My DP is a gamer. I've known this since I met him 18 months ago and by some miracle his scheduled nights have never conflicted with our time as a couple so it really hasn't mattered.

We split time between his and mine for weekends (Sunday and Monday as we both work Saturdays) and I have just been told their nights are changing meaning that he'll be leaving mine mid afternoon Sunday to be home in time. This cuts the time he spends with me and my DS short every fortnight, and I feel a bit like he just doesn't want to be here at all.

Probably a huge overreaction on my part, things seem good in every other part of the relationship, but I'm a bit blindsided by a change in routine that impacts us directly and his seeming lack of caring about it.

AIBU to feel annoyed or should I just let it go?

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/01/2017 01:15

YANBU and you should definitely not "let it go" OP. You need to talk to him and tell him why this is not on.

MommaGee · 23/01/2017 01:22

So do you only see him weekend so they weekend he's at yoirs he's basically seeing you for a few hours and the weekend your at his you're?? Entertaining yourselves?

Original poster

gentlydoesit89 · 23/01/2017 01:27

I stay at his during the week when DS sees his dad as it's closer to work for me.
But it's sounding like the weekends he's at mine he may as well not bother for the little time he'll be here. I feel bad for my DS as he loves us doing the school run on the Monday and having him here. I'll have a word Tuesday when I see him next.

OP posts:

Strongmummy · 23/01/2017 08:02

I suppose it's a good time to have a serious conversation with him as to how committed he is to the relationship.

CaoNiMa · 23/01/2017 09:35

Gaming is such a monumentally mind-numbing waste of time. I'd give him the kick for that alone.

Rainydayspending · 23/01/2017 09:38

Gamers. In my experience everything/ anything else is a lower priority. Get out while you still can. Also tend to be keen to talk about how they're introverted and misunderstood. In reality they seem addicted and unwilling rather than uncomfortable in company.

c3pu · 23/01/2017 10:06

Gaming is such a monumentally mind-numbing waste of time. I'd give him the kick for that alone.

Same could be said about watching TV or posting on internet forums...

If gaming is a big deal for you, YANBU to end it. But if you expecting him to abandon his hobby/passtime when you were well aware of it when you met, then that's not on really.

MidnightAura · 23/01/2017 10:16

Op you need to talk to your DP about this.

As for the other comments from others about gaming being a mind numbing waste of time. Wow, why is it so worse than other other "waste of time" hobby?
There's nothing wrong with being a gamer. It's just another form of escapism at the end of a difficult day. When I was recovering from a major operation and was house bound for months, I loved the fact I could escape into a game for a few hours. I could forget about real life and my issues. It also kick started my writing again which is never a bad thing. I love reading and I got/get the same escapism from books that I got/get from gaming.

My DH and I are both gamers. But we are not introverted, misunderstood, addicted or unwilling. That's just garbage. It's not fair to tarnish everyone with the same brush. That would be like saying if you love the fifty shades of grey books you are some un educated, bored housewife getting off on "mummy porn" when in reality that might not be the case.

As my DH is a gamer I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. I think a talk is in order. My DH wouldn't put gaming ahead of me and I wouldn't put it ahead of him regardless of what the hobby is.

PebbleInTheMoonlight · 23/01/2017 10:44

You need to stop thinking of this in terms of 'playing a game'

For your DP this is no different to playing on a sports team. His fellow gamers are his friends, he'll enjoy spending time with them and if they play a certain subset of games they'll rely on each person showing up for their organised sessions or they'd be dropped as unreliable (just like on a sports team).

You do need to have a chat, but don't be surprised if he makes clear that spending time with his friends is too important to miss out on.

It's no different to him insisting you only see your friends when it's convenient for him irrespective of what's going on in their lives or yours.

gamerchick · 23/01/2017 11:11

I love the generalisations on this topic.

I think as above see it as you would a sport. I know I'd rather be in a relationship with a gamer than say someone into competitive rowing. It still has widow on the end unless you're into it yourself.

You could join him, accept him because he made no secret of who he is or cut your losses and find someone you're more compatible with.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 23/01/2017 11:19

You could join him, accept him because he made no secret of who he is or cut your losses and find someone you're more compatible with.)

This. GamerChick has it spot on. You knew this about him when you met him, so you can't expect him to change because it no longer fits in with you.

downwardfacingdog · 23/01/2017 11:30

So you see him every day? In that case YABU to stop him seeing his friends/doing his hobby one night a week.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/01/2017 11:32

Some odd responses here. No matter what the 'hobby' is, there usually comes a time, when you are no longer single, that you have to make a change, a compromise or give either the hobby or the relationship up. Yes you knew he was a gamer, but the times he played didn't impact you, now he has gone from playing 'midweek' to playing (your equivalent of) Saturday night - I bet not too many posters would be chuffed with that, and it does impact you.

There would have been a time when I'd have 'said something' and tried to make him see it from my POV, or just issued an ultimatum. However, these days I wouldn't. I'd just let him get on with it & see how it goes. If he is happy with no longer spending your 'weekends' together, that would tell me all I needed to know and I'd split up with him. There's no point in making someone do something you want them to, if it's not a choice they have chosen to make unless delivered an ultimatum.

user1483387154 · 23/01/2017 11:34

I totally agree with Pebbleinthemoonlight.
I think YABU as you see him all week and spend time with him then. His hobby has changed nights, would you be acting this way if it were something other than gaming?

Original poster

gentlydoesit89 · 23/01/2017 11:49

Ah there's some misunderstanding on this post which I need to clear up.

Firstly, I get the gaming thing. I always have. I've gamed myself, dedicated days of my time when I was younger to it, so no, it wouldn't matter if he was fishing, footballing or prepping to climb Mount Everest. The type of hobby isn't the issue here.

I don't see him every day, I see him one maybe two nights midweek when my son is at his dads. On those nights there is always a chance he's asked to hop on the computer and help out his friends and I've never once said a thing about it- friends are friends and it's important to him, and it's a rarity so hasn't mattered.

What matters in this instance is the fact that he's taken no consideration of this change and how it effects us. It cuts our weekends in half, and knowing how seriously he takes it it'll become a permenant thing that can never be moved.

I feel I have to say again that it could be any hobby, gaming has such a stigma attached to it and I don't find it bad, it's his attitude which has made me cross.

OP posts:

user1484317265 · 23/01/2017 12:10

How many times are you going to post with variations of this same issue?

GrapesAreMyJam · 23/01/2017 12:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Alachia · 23/01/2017 13:26

Could you play as well?

scottishdiem · 23/01/2017 13:35

I think 18 months in might mean different things for you both in terms of actual time commitment. He might might not see half a Sunday (so having a different opinion about Sunday nights and Monday mornings than you) as a problem.

You need to tell him how you feel - is there a way he can do this at your house on Sundays? You also need to decide if losing that time is then worthing giving up on him entirely - no Friday nights and all day Saturdays?

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