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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think withholding sex isn't really a thing?

21 replies

MommaGee · 21/01/2017 17:01

Something raised on another thread but I'm curious only about this specific bit so not a TAAT

I have sex when my wanting to have sex and DH wanting to have coincide with dc's sleep

If I'm poorly or tired or moody or he's upset me or i'm just not on the mood I don't have sex. Vice versa.

If I'm tired and don't have sex that's fine but if I'm mad at him and don't have sex on wotholding it as a punishment??

Does that mean DH should get a star chart and if he's good he gets sex even if I'm not in the mood?

That's surely just ridiculous. You have sex because you want to and if you're doing it as a reward orvput of obligation that's not a good thing surely

OP posts:

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 21/01/2017 17:03

I'm pretty sure this is not a thing in any normal, healthy, adult relationship.

Klaphat · 21/01/2017 17:06

Quite.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/01/2017 17:08

Don't forget not to be childish op.

PollytheDolly · 21/01/2017 17:10

Nope. Sex when both want it. End of.

bluebeck · 21/01/2017 17:11

I'm not sure exactly what your question is OP, really sorry.

I have been in a relationship with someone emotionally abusive who would withhold sex as a punishment and as a means of eroding my self esteem. It felt awful and was very damaging.

It was nothing to do with his sex drive, it was a deliberate strategy for making me feel insecure.

I don't think anyone should feel pressurised into having sex when they are tired/grumpy/don't feel like it. I don't think anyone should use sex as a way of fucking someone elses feelings about.

Does that answer your question?

CripsSandwiches · 21/01/2017 17:11

I do think some people (of both genders) withhold sex as a manipulative tactic but that is completely different from not wanting to have sex with someone because you're angry with them (which is completely natural).

I know someone whose husband refused to have sex with her because he felt she hadn't lost the pregnant weight fast enough (it hadn't even been 6 months)he said "if you can't be bothered why should I?".

HainaultViaNewburyPark · 21/01/2017 17:12

I have sex when my wanting to have sex and DH wanting to have sex coincide with dc's sleep

^this

SparkleShinyGlitter · 21/01/2017 17:12

I think it's a simple as if you want sex have it if you don't that's fine

I think any adult using sex as some power over there dp/dh/dw by saying well if you don't do what I want then I'm not having sex, isn't healthy and shouldn't be happening in an adult relationship.

HecateAntaia · 21/01/2017 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GashleyCrumbTiny · 21/01/2017 17:15

Doesn't it mean using it as a bargaining chip? Obviously mature, sensible, well-adjusted adults in healthy relationships have sex when they want and don't when they don't. If declining comes with the message "because of reasons other than I don't feel like it" or "yes, if..." then that's what people mean by "withholding sex".

MummyToThree479 · 21/01/2017 17:15

It should be simple. If you fancy sex then you have it BUT I think some people do use sex as a weapon by saying if you don't do what I want ( new baby, night out, money for x, come home early from work etc) I won't have sex with you. If that is happening I think you have a problem as that doesn't happen in a healthy relationship

Original poster

MommaGee · 21/01/2017 17:27

NeedsAsockamnesty. Don't forget not to be childish op.
ERM wasn't aware I was being...

bluebeck i see what you mean, thank you and yes obviously that is crap. It shouldn't be used as a punishment and in your case clearly was.

Its not just on other thread, in RL too people accused of withholding sex when really they're just not having it cos they're angry or mad and its usually the women accused of withholding it as if its a right of the man. But outside of abusive relationships it seems women get accused of withholding sex when really they're just saying no, I don't like you very much right now so no

OP posts:

Original poster

MommaGee · 21/01/2017 17:30

Yeah think that's more what I meant MummyTo3 than as a form of abuse. I just don't think I know anyone who really does this (although before I'd ever even had sex an older girl at work told me not to unless he bought me smethibg nice... ) so when someone's like your just withholding sex and that's wrong my brain is saying no she's pissed off at him

OP posts:

limon · 21/01/2017 17:30

Yanbu. Requiring someone to have sex, or feeling it's your right, when they don't is abuse, whether you're a man or a woman.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/01/2017 17:40

I was accused of witholding sex by my ex twat husband. What he didnt get was that being constantly accused of cheating, being had a go at, treated like a slave and expected to work full time and do all the household chores meant that I didnt want to have sex with him. If I had wanted to then I would have, but I didnt want to do that with someone who made me feel like shit about myself, and who's constant demands outside of the bedroom were exhausting!

Witholding to me is wanting it but refusing to have it as a means of punishment. Not wanting it is not witholding at all.

Wolpertinger · 21/01/2017 17:40

I think the line between 'I won't have sex with you because I currently don't find you attractive as you spent the money for our new kitchen on boys toys' and 'I won't have sex with you until you buy me a new kitchen' (other examples are available, best I could do at short notice) can be blurred.

You have to be in the relationship to know what's natural being pissed off and what's manipulating. Both could happen in the same relationship and one is fine and the other not.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/01/2017 17:46

AGreed wol but also I think that the view of what is witholding is also tainted by which side of the argument you are on.

A man (for arguments sake!) who isnt getting the amount of sex he wants could accuse his wife of witholding because he went away with his mates for the weekend. Whereas her side is that she hates his guts right now because he buggered off with his mates again, leaving her with the kids and the house and no time off for herself, so she doesnt want to look at him never mind shag him.

Lemon12345 · 21/01/2017 17:47

I've heard this many times, among family and friends. It's (IME, don't mean every situation ever) it's the women using sex to get their male partner to do or not do something.

I have in the past jokingly said it to my DH, he's always taken it as a joke. Because at the end of the day if I don't want sex no matter what he has or hasn't done isn't going to change that, and if I do want sex and he's in the mood then we're going to have sex.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/01/2017 17:52

Part of the problem is attitudes to sex.

Until recently sex in marriage was a given, rape in marriage didnt exist as a concept until 1991 and it was referred to as the marriage "debt" for centuries. Women were expected to submit, there was no such thing as consent to individual acts as that was considered to have been given during the marriage ceremony. So, given that women had no choice over whether they had it or not, you can see why some would think "Well if I have to, I might as well get something out of it". This then set up the attitude that sex is enjoyed by men and endured and controlled by women. So if a woman doesnt want sex then she is being controlling and witholding, because some people still cannot get their heads around the concept of women wanting and enjoying sex and of them being able to say no to it and doing so.

Original poster

MommaGee · 21/01/2017 17:57

Yup. That.

OP posts:

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 21/01/2017 18:02

The word "witholding" to me implies that it's a man's right to have sex and that a woman who "witholds" sex is denying him something that he is entitled to. I don't think that is reflective of most relationships where either partner could choose not to have sex on any given day for any number of perfectly valid reasons, one of which is feeling a bit pissed off with each other.

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