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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty that I didn't report my rapist?

14 replies

StillGuiltRidden · 12/01/2017 19:30

I was raped 6 years ago but I never reported it. It seemed like a good idea at the time but right now I just feel terrible about the whole thing.

I keep thinking that I could have tried to stop him but I let him get away with it and he might have hurt other people since then and that would partially be my fault.

I don't know why I suddenly feel so guilty ridden about this Sad.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 12/01/2017 19:32

Don't feel bad. You did what you needed to get through it at the time. If he's done it again it's because we live in a culture that is soft on rapists. Have you talked to anyone at all about it? Seen a counsellor? Might be helpful.

PuntasticUsername · 12/01/2017 19:33

You don't need to feel guilty, and what he did is NOT your fault Flowers

Have you had any counselling about the rape, to hopefully help you manage these sorts of feelings?

Trifleorbust · 12/01/2017 19:34

You are not responsible for crimes he may go on to commit - he is solely responsible for that. Just look after yourself Flowers

ChasedByBees · 12/01/2017 19:34

It would not be your fault. Anything he does is his fault. Please don't blame yourself.

You might benefit from speaking with someone, counselling perhaps. Did you have any at the time?

I'm not sure if there's a statute of limitations type thing but you could still report this now if it helps you get closure. It could still help the police make a case or even be sufficient to prosecute on its own.

Stormwhale · 12/01/2017 19:34

I have moments of feeling the same way following my rape 8 years ago. I was only 17 at the time and basically locked down my emotions and tried to believe it hadn't happened. When the realisation came a few years later that it was real and that I had let him get away with it, I was devastated. It was too late to do anything by then.

I just wanted to say you are not alone. The emotions surrounding a rape are so complex, you can't blame yourself for feeling unable to report. After going through a rape, often the fear of not being believed or the fear of recounting the event is paralysing, stopping you from seeking help or justice.

There is nothing to be gained by tormenting yourself. Unless you have concrete proof of what happened, it is sadly too late to pursue a conviction.

Sorry you have been through this too.

Mrsemcgregor · 12/01/2017 19:34

Don't feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong.

If you wanted to you could still report it. I doubt it would go anywhere immediately but it would be on file with the police should similar complaints be made. But only if you want to.

Stormwhale · 12/01/2017 19:36
  • 9 years ago sorry.
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 12/01/2017 19:37

It's Not your responsibility to stop a rapist raping. That is entirely down to him. If something has triggered these thoughts, maybe this would be a good time to think about counselling?

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.

venusinscorpio · 12/01/2017 19:38

It is definitely not your fault. If he has hurt anyone else that is entirely down to him. Please don't beat yourself up over it. You don't know whether it would have done any good and you may not have been able to face the process at the time.

It is possible to report now as pp have said. A friend of mine reported her rape 10 years later and although it didn't come to anything ultimately she was able to feel a sense of closure and come to terms with it, and a chronic health problem she had cleared up spontaneously so she feels it was the right thing to do. But it's entirely your decision. Do what you feel is best Flowers

Evilrhooo · 12/01/2017 23:28

I am sorry you have had to go through this dreadful experience. I felt very strongly that going forward with a case would stop him offending again, it didn't as the cps wouldn't proceed. It did however eventually offer a little peace.xx

EastMidsMummy · 12/01/2017 23:31

You've done what you thought was best to get you through a terrible ordeal that your rapist is entirely to blame for. The fact that you're still suffering shows how awful his actions were. Try and get help and support for yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty for.

aaahhhBump · 12/01/2017 23:35

You are not responsible for his actions then or now. You survived then, now you need to work through the guilt to have a life you can be proud of.BrewCake

SantasBigHelper · 13/01/2017 01:07

You are not to blame OP Flowers

spooniestudent · 13/01/2017 02:57

Yanbu to feel guilty- you get to feel however you feel, but you really shouldn't feel guilty. I was in a very similar situation, and I understand why you feel like that, but I know that I did what I had to do to get through a really shit time in my life and that I couldn't have coped with reporting. Your only responsibility is to yourself, so if you think that going to the police will make you feel better then go for it, but don't feel guilty if you don't. Flowers hope you feel a little better soon op

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