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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Planning wedding sister in oz )

17 replies

Tryingmybest15 · 07/01/2017 23:37

Me and DP have been engaged for x3 years with a 1yr old DD and are planning our wedding. My DS has been living in australia for last 9 months and we are looking to book our wedding for this summer in uk. only reason for not delaying until they return in 2017 is that we will be trying for DC2 after wedding. We would prefer to get married earlier in year for this reason but willing to push it back if it means DS can attend.
We have asked DS for dates they are able to attend as she is my bridesmaid and I really would love them to be there . ds and her bf get x2 free business class return tickets each to uk per year and have not used any yet.

Ds gave us x2 dates in september either side of a friends weddingthey are attending in uk but we cannot book those dates as my parents are on holiday. My parents have offered to move their hol back/forward but either way it would not work as my parents are on holiday for 3-4 weeks.
Have asked for other free dates but ds is now saying that she is not sure if they can come but is still planning on attending the friends wedding in Sept 😔

Aibu to be upset?

OP posts:

giantpurplepeopleeater · 07/01/2017 23:51

I guess it is upsetting that there's a good chance your sister might not be able to attend your wedding. So I can understabd some upset.

But it sounds like you are upset AT your sister, for not making more of an effort - for this YABU I think.

I can see that on the face of it, having paid for tickets, and you willing to work around her diary, should mean offering up another date should be easy for her. But its not the only consideration is it? Its a bloody long way to travel, means taking time off work, has to work with both her and her DPs other commitments etc.

It sounds like she is already planning on coming back here in Sept and has suggested she can extend her dates then. This seems like a really reasonable suggestion.

WombattingFree · 07/01/2017 23:52

Your NU to ask her for dates and ask if she can change her plans/mind, but ultimately the journey from Aus (as someone who does it once a year), is not a short one and she may have her own reasons for giving the dates she has. I know it's upsetting but you asked her and she's given you her answer. You can't expect everyone to work out their holidays around you planning to conceive number 2.

You can be upset and aren't really BU to be so, but it looks more like you're asking if she could be being Unreasonable.

NapQueen · 07/01/2017 23:54

Well as she is already coming to the UK for her friends wedding it makes sense to say the best times for her are within that time.

Had you arranged a date for your wedding before she had he invite to the other one I'm assuming she would have arranged to be at yours regardless?

WombattingFree · 07/01/2017 23:56

And agree with giant. I am in aus right now. My sister is getting married late this year in the UK. She asked if I would come back in April for a wedding as it needed to be done in school half terms. I told her I probably wouldn't because my return flight home (am here for a year) is in the summer. I would either be cutting my year short and it would be a long travel for a week. Let alone the costs.

She decided to do it in November as she really wasn't that fussed about when she got married it just needed to be in half term.

When we go to these far flung places we accept that we won't be there for every event.. despite the fact that most family members are expecting us to hop straight online to book a flight at a mere mention of an invite.

NapQueen · 07/01/2017 23:59

OP I know you say you want to marry in the summer but 6months really isn't enough time when people you want there live on the other side of the globe.

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2017 00:00

I can understand why you're upset but I don't think your sister is in the wrong. It's a bloody hard journey to come back from Australia-its not like she's popping over from France or something. Her going to the other wedding but potentially not yours is a bit of a red herring-it's presumably already booked so I can't see why she'd cancel.

fourandnomore · 08/01/2017 00:06

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel hurt and you asked for good dates and she has given some, that work around a wedding she has already committed to. It doesn't mean it is more important to her - it just means she is trying to sort out only coming over once. Why not let your parents move/shorten their holiday? Would that be an option?
I had to do this as my bridesmaids were both overseas and in the end it did my head in as between venue availability and all the stuff they had on it became more about fitting around them than when we wanted to get married. That was the point at which I said this is our wedding date, we would love you to be there but understand completely if you can't. Get married when you want to but be understanding if that means she can't make it. If it's really important to have her there talk it over with her and your parents to make it work.

cornflowerblu · 08/01/2017 00:10

You're not being unreasonable but I would be totally gutted if my sister misses my wedding. Even if o was coming back for a friend's wedding I would somehow find a way to get back for my sisters wedding too even if it meant leaving my partner behind and doing some totally hideous really sort trip as a one off. No way would I miss it unless finances were a major issue in which case I expect my parents would help out as they wouldn't want me not to be where either.

Original poster

Tryingmybest15 · 08/01/2017 09:52

Thanks all for your comments. A bit of background my sister was aware when she left that our wedding was going to take place this year and said that she would be attending so think I'm miffed that she has said yes to a friends wedding before we set our date. I can see that we could have done this earlier but with return to work in November, have put wedding plans on the back burner.
Agreed that it is a long way to come but if the tables were turned i would fly over to oz for her wedding.
Will speak to parents and hope that we can work something out. I'm just sad that she might not be able to make it :-(

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 08/01/2017 09:56

To be fair her friend has a fixed date and you don't. Arrange your wedding to suit yourselves and then give her the date with a sincere message that you'd love her to be there and equally sincere that you understand if she can't.

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2017 09:59

Again, I can understand why you're upset but I don't think you're at all reasonable for being annoyed she said yes to the other wedding when you hadn't set a date. It's not her fault you didn't get on and do it, whatever you had going on that made it harder. It's also very easy to say "I'd fly to Australia if it were me" when you're not in the position of having to do it. Two days minimum just on flights there and back plus awful jet lag potentially only for a few days in the U.K.? That's a very big ask.

witsender · 08/01/2017 10:05

If it matters that she is there then arrange it around when she is coming over, or just postpone trying for #2. Or don't, and get married while pregnant! She really isn't being that unreasonable. I hate the journey to Australia.

Dafspunk · 08/01/2017 10:08

I have family in NZ and Australia and there's no way I could get the time off work to make 2 trips in 1 year, regardless of whether I could afford it and if I actually wanted all the hassle. I'd also expect more than the amount of notice that you're giving.

It's a shame but as giant saiid, YABU for being upset AT your sister. If you're going to be angry at your sister, you should really also be angry at your parents for booking a long holiday without checking dates with you and her and then it just starts to get silly and even more obvious that you should have set a date much further in advance than you're now trying to do.

BabychamSocialist · 08/01/2017 15:53

I agree with other posters. Your sister wants to do both weddings in one trip, which is entirely reasonable. It is a bloody long flight, after all.

EggnogChai · 08/01/2017 15:57

Surely your sister going to your wedding is more important than a bloody holiday??

Paperplain · 09/01/2017 06:24

I live I Aus and would find it hard physically, financially and workwise to come back every year, let alone twice in a year. Not your sisters fault that you haven't sort s out your dates and your parents have booked a holiday. YABU. She has given you the dates that work for her and if they don't suit you that's not her fault.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 09/01/2017 06:52

It's not just the length of time it takes it's the effect on your body too jet lag is horrible. I've never been to Oz only the US and that is bad enough I can't imagine what it's like turning the day and night completely around. It's too much for a short trip and definitely too much for two trips that would appear to be quite close together. You seem to be annoyed at your sister for not being able to do it and not your parents for booking a long holiday. If she is coming back for good next year the option for two long trips this year just might not exist.
YANBU for feeling good disappointed but yabu for being annoyed that she is going to a friends wedding. They got in first and booked a date you haven't yet and as far as other people were concerned you might have ended up not booking this year. People can't put other plans on hold just in case something happens. I'm sure she's disappointed at possibly missing it too but that doesn't mean she can spend more than 24 hours travelling each way plus jet lag to attend.

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