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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

that this has annoyed me ....

19 replies

nappyaddict · 21/02/2007 02:31

basically i have been sleeping on and off with somebody for nearly two years. my one good friend is very very against it. she thinks i will get hurt and too attached again. (i did used to hope it could be something more.) hadn't really seen him 5 months or so but its sort of started again.

she said "it makes you seem easy. you're 18 with a baby! don't you think you should behave like a responsible mother?"

ok firstly why are men allowed to do what they like yet women are easy, secondly what has my age and being a mother got to do with it and thirdly we'll see what she calls behaving like a responsible mother when she has a baby.

OP posts:

GooseyLoosey · 21/02/2007 02:53

Not sure that emotionally I'd be very good at the kind of casual relationship you seem to be describing - are you happy with the on off nature of this or are you still hoping for something more. If you are, seems your friend may be right and you might get hurt.

You are only 18 and entitled to some fun out of life but as you have a baby, you have an obligation to ensure that it is brought up in a stable environment. If your relationship is likely to be on/off and your child has a relationship with this person too, then maybe you should think about what you are doing. If your child is not affected by this, then you can judge whether you are being responsible or not.

For what its worth, I tend to agree that there are double standards when it comes to what is acceptable for men to do compared to women. Its wrong, but it is the way many people see things so be prepared for their opinions.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 21/02/2007 03:08

ds has met him 3 times. he is too young to understand now but if he was older he would be introduced as a friend so i don't think confusing him really applies.

no, not hoping for anything more now. a) because i know what he is like now and don't trust him to not cheat and b) he definitely doesn't want a baby in his life.

maybe if he changed a lot i would consider it but not until.

OP posts:

sandcastles · 21/02/2007 04:13

I think that what you do is up to you. As long as you are happy with the situation & your baby is being raised well...then your friend should butt out. I don't think it makes you cheap/easy & I too hate the double standards.

BUT, do you not think you are worth more than this?
That you should be with someone who is not just using you for sex (as that IS what he is doing here) & who repects you enough NOT to cheat on you?
That you deserve to be with someone who hasn't been sleeping with god knows who, then rocks up at yours when his other options are gone?
That the person you are with does want a baby in their life?

And you will get hurt, because some one always does in these situations. And IME, it is always the woman....

NotQuiteCockney · 21/02/2007 06:44

If you are happy with it as just sex, then, that's fine. You're not letting your child have a relationship with this person. I assume you're using condoms.

I don't think this is a matter of what you're "worth", it's a matter of what works for you, at this time.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 21/02/2007 15:27

sandcastles mentioned that he was using me and was only coming to me when all other options were gone. i should explain that whilst this was the case a year or so ago, since then it has been strictly on my terms and mostly me making the first move. i started doing this cos i didn't want it to be him that was using me, but that i could "use" him too. if we are both doing it for the same reason i guess we are really using one another... can you tell i hate the phrase "using someone!"

up until about a month ago i may have argued that i did want something more (not with him though) but i now feel i can't be dealing with all the heartache that comes with it. over the last year i have fallen for 3 differnt people, all 3 have ended up liking someone else right under my nose. i just decided it was time to give my heart a break. this is simple - there's no connection other than the fact we find one another attractive, so fingers crossed no one should get hurt.

if i could see it was starting to become more for either of us i would stop it straight away.

as i don't want a relationship with this person i don't think it matters if they usually cheat or want a baby in their life.

woah sorry, that's very long!

OP posts:

LucyJones · 21/02/2007 15:30

You say that when ds is older you will tell him he's a friend... What about when he stays one night and not the nect and ds asks where he is?

Original poster

nappyaddict · 21/02/2007 15:34

tbh i can't see this carrying on until ds is old enough to ask that. saying that it's already been going on for 2 years so who knows...

how old do you think ds would be when he might start to wonder about things like that?

also i would probably make sure he left before ds got up.

or only see him when ds wasn't here.

OP posts:

hairymclary · 21/02/2007 15:45

even small children can be affected by these situations, especially if he sees this man regularly with you.

my cousin's little girl is 3 and hates any men coming in their house now. my cousin has had relationships with 3 different men in about the last 18 months and it has been very difficult for her little girl even though these relationships have been on a fairly casual basis.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 21/02/2007 15:48

so by the age of about 2, ds will start noticing more are we saying?

in that case if it is still going on by then, i would make sure he was gone by the time ds was up or only see him when he wasn't here as i said before.

OP posts:

colditz · 21/02/2007 15:57

DCan say the same about any friend or relative.

How come we only see aunty X at weekends? Why did x sleep on the sofa? Why does nanny only come on Turesday, but Grandpa comes on fridays?

All are questions with very simple answers. The answer to why the man slept over one night and not the next is that he had to go home - simple.

nightowl · 21/02/2007 15:59

nothing to do with being easy, or a responsible mother. you're allowed a life and if it doesnt affect your ds then thats fine. but are you sure you dont have some feelings for this man? oh the times i have heard from a friend "he's not using me, im using him" knowing that actually she was totally in love with him, and sincerely believed it was on "her terms". it was really on her terms, she was right in a sense, because if she'd have told him she didnt want to see him anymore he'd have walked away without a second glance.

pokerstraight · 21/02/2007 16:07

i will admit i did used to have more feelings. then he went away for 6 months and i saw sense. as i said before i love him as a friend and i find him pyhsically (sp?) attractive but would not want a relationship with him at this moment in time. if he were to grow up a bit and if he realised one day he did want to settle down then i may consider it, but i am guessing this will not be until he is at least 30 something. so in essence no, i don't want more.

if it is me that rings him and asks if he's free surely that is clearly on my terms not his. i don't think there is any "using" going on. for me i only tend to use the word use when one person is using the other, not when both people are doing the same thing and both want the same thing and are both on the same level.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 21/02/2007 16:11

i need to stop namechanging ... i always mess it up!

OP posts:

nightowl · 21/02/2007 16:44

oops on your behalf!

but still, if you have feelings and he doesnt then its not really on your terms, even if you think it is.

you love him as a friend and find him physically attractive enough to want sex with him, regularly...imo thats pretty much the way people feel about a bf. but you know he wont commit and so you dont try to force him to.

can you see where i'm coming from? your friend is probably right by thinking you'll get hurt...not about the parent stuff because that's up to you. but in that you feel a lot for him and he doesn't necessarily feel the same. he may well have some feelings for you too and im sure he knows how you feel/felt about him...but if he cared so much he would act on it.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 21/02/2007 21:35

thing is even if he turned around and said i want to be with you i would say no at this moment in time because i don't feel like he is boyfriend material in the slightest.

i know he loves me as "nappyaddict" and as a good friend and i know he finds me attractive but i also know we both don't want to be in a relationship. i don't have more feelings than he's a friend and i think he's good looking, but i don't want us to be together.

OP posts:

spudmasher · 21/02/2007 21:47

yes

MamaGod · 21/02/2007 21:48

LOLOLOL

Original poster

nappyaddict · 21/02/2007 21:52

finally someone with a simple yes or no.

OP posts:

TheCranberriess · 15/01/2023 01:15

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