To ask if I'm overly concerned? Trigger. Sensitive Abuse related

[SoDownSoGone]

When I was 6 years old I was sexually assaulted. The man was sitting next to me in my parents car. He was drunk for a period of time (I don't know how long) he kept putting his hand up my leg and in my knickers and putting his fingers near my private parts. I do not recall if anything happened. All I remember is crying my dad stopping the car and throwing this man out. Possible when I was 8-9 I had a cousin who is 6 months older than me (male) he would ask me to touch his penis and kiss me with his tongue. I don't where he learned this behaviour. He would also put his hand on my chest and touch my private area. I now have a young DD who is 5. She has a 10 year old cousin. His mother has informed me that he is quite sexually aware of his body. Yesterday I saw him cuddling another of his young female cousins stroking her hair and kissing her forehead. I know I'm being paranoid she was sitting on his lap (she is my niece aged 6). It brought back memories as my daughter gets closer to the age of my first abuse I am so so paranoid about this boy (my nephew by marriage). AIBU? I am do worried when my DD plays with him in his bedroom. Tell me I'm being overly concerned please.

At the moment, I would just make sure that she's properly supervised.

Don't leave them alone together.

What dance said.

That must have been an interesting conversation, what was the context? Did you ask her what she meant?

Well I don't know how it came up. It was to do with how the kids are growing. Without going into detail she said how he is physically maturing and is aware of that. Also she said she has some concerns about what he is learning from school from other boys and how ahead the boys seem. It was around a conversation about swearing too and how he has learned the F word.

Also wouldn't leave them alone together

If you are worried because of your past then supervise then closely. But being aware of your body changing as you approach puberty and learning swear words sounds pretty normal to me.

But this not leaving them alone together. I am worried about this. Because if we are at each other houses and they play upstairs and I follow them? I just need to know it's not because of my past. Also is this kissing and cuddling of his 6 year old cousin normal? Is that what cousins do! We never did that with any of my cousins. And the cousin who abused me (was it abuse he was just a child too) I always stayed away from him. I was also sexually assaulted when I was at university. Twice groped (my breasts) and once I was forced to give someone a blow job. This is so difficult for me to write as I have not ever written all these things down in one place. I've also only ever spoken about the first attack
When I was 6 with my parents & my uncle. The other matters. Well my cousin is still alive and we sometimes see him.

Children do like to "baby" younger ones so it is probably totally innocent BUT I would definitely encourage them to play within an adults view and make sure your dd knows to tell you about any play she doesn't like/makes her feel uncomfortable.

A 10 year old boy should be aware of upcoming changes to their bodies but that is not something they should be showing/discussing with younger children.

He's not showing or discussing it with the kids as I'm aware. I'm sure it is all innocent. It's just because of my past I can't get my head round if I'm being unreasonable in my judgement. That my history has skewed my perception so I need a reality check.

Yes I need to speak with my DD. How would
You have this conversation? What would you say?

Maybe ask her what sort of games she plays with her cousin? Don't make her feel pressured, just phrase it in context of any other play.

I understand though. I've been through similar and am always on edge. But while you can't guarantee nothing bad will happen to her, there is one thing you can guarantee; she will always have her mum's love and support. That is no small thing.

I've always told mine from being little that they are only to keep "happy" secrets.

I would have them play downstairs rather than in bedrooms anyway.

Op sorry these things happened to you. All of them.

Have you had the "pants" talk with your DD? That nobody is allowed to touch the areas covered by underwear? Also about being told not to tell you things, or threatened if she were to tell you being signs she SHOULD tell you and that you'll never be angry with her etc?

It might be a good idea to remind her of these things directly and indirectly. Obviously it's not her job to protect herself, but it helps if she is confident in these areas so that if anything starts to happen she feels easy talking about it to you (and that you won't freak out - at least in front of her ).

*bit if a cross post

I'm overly paranoid for similar reasons - my kids have had the Pants rules drilled into them!
www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/underwear-rule/

I will look at the link. It's hard to control the no bedroom rule as that's where many toys are: I need to think about this. Thank you for your support. I am going to get some counselling at some point soon. But what can people say but sorry but that does help. Thank you