To no accept presents for my DDs from sister?

[Mangoesin]

After confronted her over her behaviour towards my eldest, she wanted to go NC. This happened in November.

My mum then tells me she has left parcels at her house for my DC.

I thought about it for a day and it wasn't easy to say, but I said we cannot accept them due to the current circumstances. I asked did they (sister and her DP) want to try and resolve things? If not, then why the presents!

It very much depends on what she did to your eldest DD. If it is something completely unforgiveable and you can never move on from it, then yes probably best to cut the presents for ever.

If you feel it is a resolvable problem then I would see the gifts as a tentative olive branch, suggetsing your sister wants to have contact at least with your children.

It also depends on how old your kids are, whether they like their aunt and want to keep in touch, if it's an adults quarrel then don;t involve the children - but if your DD is upset by whatever was said then I'd ask her what she would like to do. I'd see gift acceptance and resuming contact/trying to resolve as the same thing.

DD 6 and a baby. Yes DD is fond of her uncle and aunt.

The confrontation was over what I interpreted - her trying to create a division between DD and her baby sister, and also DD and us (me and DP).

She is manipulative and controlling and I had I felt I had to protect my children from this negativity.

She wasn't for discussing it when I confronted her.

I'm bumping because I'm panicking about this. Have I done a terrible thing?

The confrontation was over what I interpreted - her trying to create a division between DD and her baby sister, and also DD and us (me and DP).

It really depends on what she did.

More info needed.

I would suggest that the presents show she would like to re-start a relationship. I would send a thank-you note for the gifts and invite her for a coffee to start mending fences. If she is open to it, see if you can talk openly about the issue (and calmly) and put some boundaries in for the future.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2780070-Tips-for-confronting-sister?pg=1&order=

The thread above gives more detail.

Reading your previous post, I would say you are absolutely right not to accept the presents. If she truly wants to re-establish a relationship with your children, she will have to do the same with you. That she does not consider this to be the case would suggest that she is continuing to play decisive games.
I hope you continue to find the strength to keep a distance with her as long as is healthy for your own family (even if that is permanent-sorry)

*divisive

Oh gosh, no you have done the right thing to not accept the gifts. What she was saying was awful.

I've just read all of your posts on the previous thread. I think you WNBU not to accept the gifts. I agree that if she is interested in burying the hatchet, she really needs to have a grown up, respectful conversation with you and not your children.

Agree you have done the right thing.
YANBU

I just feel bad that my mum and dad are going to be in that crap situation again when they tell her we have not accepted the presents.

DD still talks about her aunt and uncle. I tell her we are not friends anymore and we've upset each other. I think if we were to let her open presents from them, without them being there it'd be confusing for her. Especially as there were also presents from my sisters DPs nieces who are lovely young ladies and whom she was also fond of.

I've not heard from my mum after telling her no to the presents. I'm totally stressing about how angry /upset they'll be.

But I think I do have the strength because I'm protecting my daughters.

I do waver sometimes. And feel in turmoil a lot. Mostly because I can see my parents are upset.

Thanks

I remember your previous thread and think that it's really important that you remain solid on this one. Either she wants to work out the differences like adults, or she wants to control the whole relationship through emotional manipulation.

It's not up to her whether or not she has a relationship with your children: it's up to you. If she can't be a positive influence in their lives do you really want her in their lives at all? You are their parent and part of that role is to protect them. Follow your instinct - you know what's right in the long run for your children.

My sister is exactly like this been nc for 10 years life is better for it. My 5yo has never met her

I'm NC with my DSis too and it's horrible and I wish I wasn't.

My DSis also tries to establish links with my DD "Please tell IMiss's DD we miss her and think about her every day"
yeah, so why was her birthday card late the last 2 years running then? And why was her birthday card for the previous 2 years the same cheap card both years. DD had kept the card from her aunt and displayed it for a year, and when it was her b.day the next year and she got THE SAME CARD she took down the old one and never put the new one up)

But I see it a little bit differently from you. Because I really don't want DD to miss out on the importance of family, which is lovely.

But I also won't let my DD be recruited by my DSis's crazy agenda

So personally, I accept (and give) presents, and make sure DD always sends some kind of message of thanks.

I do think family's important though. Just don't want it to also be toxic!!!!

Be strong. Remember you wanted to go NC as well. Your sister clearly likes a bit of drama but you don't need her in your or your DDs lives. Keep remembering that. I read your last thread. She's not apologised, she doesn't accept she has been poisoning your DDs mind. Just be free of her. Concentrate on what's best for you and your DDs.

After reading the previous thread using devils advocate how much word for word was said to your dd and how much was dd's interpretation as although the general gist could be similar depending on the context it could give a different meaning from what was said to what your dd said she said ?

You have to do what you think is best for your children. I think the way to start talking needs to begin by your sister acknowledging her behavior in the form of a letter or email.

Till then, it seems like you have a happier life without her in your life.

Having looked at the older thread... I wouldn't accept them. She can't do that. I hated being a big sister and felt very pushed out, for that reason I have worked hard to make my DD feel included and understand her importance, having someone do the opposite cannot happen. Until your Dsis sees this then she is better off far away.

Mangoesin I have read your comments on your other thread and some other people's comments too, and the comments here.

I think you are right not to accept the gifts. Your sister suggested going NC and you are simply accepting and respecting her wishes. If she really wants to mend bridges with you she could meet and chat with you or do so by phone. If just the thought of that fills you with horror then I think you are totally right to remain no contact with her.

Accepting the presents will be confusing for your kids if the relationship is never repaired.

I think your parents may have inadvertently fostered these feelings, or maybe she has totally imagined it all, but I think maybe your parents did not handle things well. Whatever it was, this is not your fault.

Make it clear to your parents you do not want them to take sides, simply to respect your wishes, which is that you and your children are currently not having contact with your sister.

It does not require a round table or discussions or 'rules' other than that while your parents are looking after your kids they will respect your NC with sister.

Lastly, I would really recommend some counselling for yourself to deal with these issues and to help you to be assertive.

I am sorry to say this but (having lost my mum this year) you will at some stage need to deal with your sister in the future, even if it is only when your parents go into a home/require help in old age/die. Sorry. But it will almost certainly not be possible to imagine you are an only child so spend the coming years getting yourself in the most emotionally stable and assertive form so you can manage all this.

My sis and I are on excellent terms and it really helped when we had to deal with the death of our dad 12 years ago, our mums ill health and mum dying.

In the meantime, your kids are your top priority and as you cannot trust your sis not to say or do inappropriate things you must limit her time with them, and at the moment that is no contact. If that changes, to just exchanging gifts or letters/emails, or occasional visits, it needs to be something that both you and she can agree to. And that will require contact, so until she can manage that suitably, I do not see how you can move forward.

IMHO, your parents telling your sis you are not collecting the presents is for them to deal with, how they choose to tell her.

Your parents have the option to REFUSE to be used as go-betweens.
She is old enough to contact you directly to make amends etc

So stop feeling bad for your parents, it's pointless.