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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have a baby with a friend?

12 replies

HappyHedgehog247 · 19/12/2016 16:51

I'm a 41 year old with a 4 year old DC. Separated from father when DC was 1 and been through court process and life has moved on and is stable and happy other than the fact I have never wanted DC to be an only child and have always wanted a number 2.

I do not want to rush another romantic relationship as that is what happened with DCs father. I've been exploring sperm donation but did not like the anonymity of it (for the child). A male friend has now offered to help.

He is divorced, good with kids. We tried dating but we do much better as friends.

We would need to talk all sorts of things through which we are both clear on (Contact, finances, what happens when either of us find a partner) but it feels like this could be a real possibility.

I don't know anyone who has done this and wonder if desire for baby is clouding my judgement.

OP posts:
YelloDraw · 19/12/2016 16:58

wonder if desire for baby is clouding my judgement.

I would suggest this... you are broody as your child bearing years are coming to an end. It would likely be no benefit to your existing child to have another baby now via sperm donation. Money, time, all going to be screeched.

Focus on your existing child and get a kitten or something to help with the broodiness!

SleepFreeZone · 19/12/2016 17:01

TTC at 41 can be a really difficult process even with a loving partner. Your likelihood of miscarriage is 50% at 42. To conceive you may find it can take a long long time and then of course you may have to go through a few miscarriages until you find a decent egg. It's not something I would want to do with a friend.

TheSparrowhawk · 19/12/2016 17:02

If you're wondering whether your judgement is clouded, then don't do it. You should only do this if you're as happy as you can possibly be that it'll work. I could see it working for great friends who get on exceptionally well. However, if you're not bound together by a romantic relationship/marriage then I could also see a lot of resentment building up and frankly I can see the man shirking his responsibility (the way plenty of married men do all the time, only worse). Sperm donation has the advantage that you know you're doing it alone so you don't have the resentment/anger that comes from trying to co parent with someone who's not willing to do their fair share.

december10th · 19/12/2016 17:05

I think it is unfair on the child to have to split itself between 2 parents.Yes, often relationships break down and that is unfortunate for the child, but to set out to be a 'split' family seems wrong

Sirzy · 19/12/2016 17:09

I think the fact that you and your friend have a past relationship would really cloud things and could confuse feelings along the way

kierenthecommunity · 19/12/2016 17:24

I'd worry what his motivation is tbh. If he's desperate for a child, that's one thing. Or is he trying to get back with you?

monkeyfacegrace · 19/12/2016 17:28

I see things differently from previous posters.

Yes things could get messy, no its not ideal. But nor is life.

I have 3 kids, eldest from a previous relationship. Of course, in an ideal world they'd all be my husbands but it is what it is.

I wouldn't change my kids for the world.

At your age unfortunately time is not on your side. You need to decide what's worse, a child who spends x amount of time with its father, or no child at all.

MargaretCavendish · 19/12/2016 17:30

He is divorced, good with kids. We tried dating but we do much better as friends.

This bit would worry me a lot. It's pretty rare for both parties to have exactly equal (lack of) feelings in this sort of scenario.

PhoebeBo · 19/12/2016 17:33

You need to be absolutely sure of his motivations. Ask yourself why would a man offer to do this?
I think it would be better to have an anonymous donor or it could get very messy

formerbabe · 19/12/2016 17:34

and wonder if desire for baby is clouding my judgement

I think this is the case for everyone who is TTC isn't it. Having dc in any circumstances is kind of mad when you look at the pros and cons!

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 19/12/2016 20:38

I would go for an anonymous sperm donor if I were setting out to have a child as a single parent, not somebody who I would have to share 'custody' (I know that's not the right word) with.

When you have to have Christmas without your child or when there a future step-mother who gets to put your kid to bed - its hard enough when a relationship breaks down and these things are unavoidable but setting out knowing that will be the case would mess with my mind!

Original poster
HappyHedgehog247 · 20/12/2016 20:26

Thank you very much for the comments. Definite food for thought. X

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