Aibu to give an anonymous gift

[SleeplessInGarforth]

Short bit of background...

My neighbour (in her 70s, widow, not much money) got burgled earlier this year. They took her few bits of jewellery (because she had nothing else worth stealing). Don't think she claimed in the insurance as her excess was high and she said it probably wasn't worth it.

We on the other hand are comfortably off (not rich, not struggling) and unexpectedly came into some money this year (inheritance - not a life changing sum, but a fair amount).

I'd love to anonymously do something to even out the karma a bit - like anonymously send her a Christmas card with quite a bit of money in so that she could treat herself to something nice.

My DH said he gets that I want to do something nice but he worries she'll feel like a charity case. And I agree, in terms of it not being a 'normal' thing to do.

What do you think?

I think you'll creep her out.

Why not take her out for a day?

Do it but not cash. Never over-think a kind act.

I think taking her out for a lovely afternoon tea in a posh hotel would be a much nicer gesture and far less unsettling for her. I see where you're coming from, but I think she's find an anonymous gift very odd.

What a wonderful, kind thought!

OTOH I can see where your DH is coming from...

Perhaps as a compromise you could buy her a small but nice "luxury" anonymous gift that she wouldn't spend money on for herself (posh festive bouquet and chocs or similar) and invite her over to yours for Christmas lunch?

Sounds like she doesn't have much, but she's lucky to have a thoughtful neighbour looking out for her.

Maybe buy her a nice piece of jewellery and say you saw it cheap in a charity shop. You knew it was worth more and you gave the twice what they asked for and thought how muh it would suit your neighbout and karma would be happy after she lost some pieces earlier in the year?

Thanks ladies - yeah maybe a nice Christmas hamper would go down well.

I don't want her to feel indebted to us in any way - which was why I was thinking of being a secret santa. I genuinely just wanted her to have a nice treat (but without creeping her out!).

Don't send anything anonymously. I'd be freaked out and worried by something like that, even if it appeared to be something nice!

I like the idea of doing something kind and friendly but don't think it has to be expensive money-wise. Make her a cake, take her out to the theatre, for Sunday lunch or afternoon tea, or to a Christmas carol service. Ask if she'd like the garden tidied up/front door painted/a security light fitted - and pay for the service.

Time is worth more than money.

I think it's really weird. Why anonymous? Why not just from you?

I would be really creeped out by this kind of thing.

Def not anonymous. That's a bit patronising and might be scary. She would be wondering who was watching her and knew she was hard up. And not jewellery - once you pass a certain age jewellery isn't about bling, it's about the memories of who gave it to you and where you wore it, she has lost those and new jewellery from a donor would accentuate that loss.

I think a nice hamper delivered with a goodwill and a shared cup of tea/bottle of fizz plus the occasional act of service (tea out, grass cutting) would be much more meaningful.

I agree do not over think kindness. Whatever you feel comfortable doing it will be lovely.

Just anonymous because I don't want her to feel like she owes us anything. I don't want gratitude or anything - I'd just like to think that she'd had a nice treat after a crap year.

Agree that time can be worth more than money - but I really think she has very little money and hence me thinking some kind of material / monetary treat would be nice.

Thanks for your responses - really helpful.

After being burgled she'll be sensitive to strangers/house being watched.

anonymous might creep her a bit and cash is something a lot of people would feel really uncomfortable accepting even if they knew who from. If I was given an anonymous gift of money I think I'd give it to charity as I'd feel wrong spending it... what I think I'd do is put the amount you'd like to give aside and use it over the course of the next year for her - take her out for tea a few times, buy some rock salt to salt her driveway/front steps when it's icy, buy her a nice plant/bunch of spring flowers, tell her your window cleaner is coming and will do hers too 'for free' - little acts of kindness over th year will mean she feels cared for all year rather than a bit surprised and confused by a large gift...

What about a lovely card and bunch of flowers with a voucher in it for somewhere nice where she could buy food treats or new clothes or anything really? John Lewis or M&S or somewhere. Just say what you've said here - you know she's had a rubbish year and you'd like her to treat herself to something - but a voucher is more present-y than cash which could come across a bit charityish.

If I was her and had been burgled I would find it very disconcerting, perhaps even frightening to receive money anonymously. Can't you just tell her the truth - you don't usually exchange gifts and don't expect to but she's a lovely neighbour who has had an awful year - here is something to say we are thinking of you. Take her out or a few nice things in a hamper for Christmas would seem thoughtful, money not so much (although I know you are trying to be thoughtful with a gift of money)