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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not reward bad behaviour

14 replies

rosieandjim2 · 17/12/2016 17:17

First time posting here so after some mn advice I will try not to drip feed.
I have 4 dc age 10,7,5 and 1 live with my dc and my partner( dc4 dad.) My ds age 7 has had behaviour issues since the age of 2 he is currently being assessed for asc,adhd etc however the past 3 months have been hell ds behaviour has gone rapidly down hill meltdowns for 2-3 hours everyday. My mil and sil have suggested my ds goes to play (sil has a ds same age)and sleepover for a few days over Christmas aibu not to let him go as I see this as a treat and his behaviour has not been good enough to have nice treats like that when his siblings ain't. I understand mil and sil are trying to help and "give us a brake from it" but am I really bu . Thanks

OP posts:

whyohwhy000 · 17/12/2016 17:22

If you bluntly say that he can't go, then he has to be able to connect the meltdowns to the punishment, so you can't just say that he can't go because he has been having meltdowns more often than usual in the past three months.

Honestly, I think YABU (even though others will disagree) because I think he should be comforted and supported rather than punished for what you described.

AndShesGone · 17/12/2016 17:26

Yes he should go because actually he has poor impulse control and is really struggling

Bubbinsmakesthree · 17/12/2016 17:29

Let him go, no-one will benefit from you withholding this as a 'punishment' - not you and not your DS.

witsender · 17/12/2016 17:30

Yabu.

Mellowmarsh · 17/12/2016 17:31

I agree with Andshesgone.

I don't think this punishment will improve his behaviour and it may make it worse.
I am sorry things are so hard. Are there any support networks for people with similar issues? Maybe try the SN thread?

Sirzy · 17/12/2016 17:31

Meltdowns are not bad behaviour

HaveNoSocks · 17/12/2016 17:36

If he's having meltdown's possibly connected to ASD/ADHD he isn't behaving badly but struggling to cope. I don't think randomly taking away a visit without any warning would have any affect even if it is bad behaviour, I think it's going to send him the message that he's bad as it won't be linked to the behaviour.

I would let him have the trip as it'll give you and your other DC a break. In the long term you could work with the professionals to find ways to manage his behaviour.

Starlight2345 · 17/12/2016 17:46

My Ds is currently been assessed for ADHD .. He has had more meltdowns this month .. always does in December .. it is all the change .. lack of routine.. At his age that seems an awful big punishment.. I find if there needs to be a consequence then it should be quick and short otherwise you end up in a battle of wills . I feel a bit like I am in no mans land .. I am not going to accept bad behaviour but have no idea what level of control he has. So feel less confident than did previously

catwoman0815 · 17/12/2016 17:46

there is obviously a very real possibility that he has a disability (rather than just being naughty). He is obviously struggling to cope. Why would you want him to punish for that?

balence49 · 17/12/2016 17:47

If it's due to a special need then he shouldn't be punished. But I do think that even special needs children can be badly behaved without it always having to be put down to that.

However if he hasn't got special needs then not a chance I would be letting them go anywhere without me until they can be trusted to behave in a reasonable manner.

5000candlesinthewind · 17/12/2016 17:50

My ds has similar problems and I think I would let him go.

Are you getting much help in managing his moods? Positive parenting has been a massive help to us, it's made a huge difference in how he behaves.

coffeemachine · 17/12/2016 18:07

DD has ASD and December is hell for her. all the Xmas fuzz everywhere. routine at school gone etc. it can have a passive impact on children with SN. please don't punish him.

Original poster

rosieandjim2 · 17/12/2016 18:31

Thank you for all your replies I was bu then I have told sil he can go. Ds is under a pediatrician he has a specialist adhd nurse who we see every 6 months Camhs assesed him and discharged him just waiting for a apointment with a team called gateway (not sure if all areas have gateway) they will look into triple p course. It's not that I want to punish him it's more the fact I don't know how to deal with him as how I would with my other dcs don't work with him. Hopefully we will get some help to help us cope and help ds cope as well xx

OP posts:

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 17/12/2016 18:40

I think you are doing the right thing by letting him go, it'll be a break for you and the other DC at least.

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