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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think asking for a few hours childcare a week

26 replies

xmaspudnpies · 28/11/2016 15:02

Is not unreasonable?

I am/was a full time SAHM. I asked my partner for a few hours childcare a week so I could catch up on housework undisturbed/have a little bit of me time? I have two children at home.

My request resulted in a huge argument that caused our relationship breakdown.

His argument was that 'we' couldn't afford it - since the breakdown he has spent thousands of pounds in court trying to achieve full residency of our youngest.

AIBU to think this a completely insane situation?

OP posts:

statetrooperstacey · 28/11/2016 15:20

Well yes, yes it is. If you are wondering if you are at fault,Then no. What you asked for was not unreasonable or unrealistic. Just basics I think. Even when I was on mat leave I got time to catch up on jobs and time to myself. That is normal.
Sorry things are hard for you,

WipsGlitter · 28/11/2016 15:23

Could he have not looked after them to give you some time?

Cinnamon2013 · 28/11/2016 15:24

Of course your suggestion wasn't unreasonable. A family is a team and needs to work together so everyone can manage.

It sounds like things have progressed a long way, and I'm sorry about that. It sounds also like there must have been other issues for things to come to this point - especially the harshness of him going for custody. Is there more backstory of was this really the only thing that caused your relationship to break down? (I'm not trying to suggest it's you by the way, wondering if this was the only time he's exhibited this kind of unreasonable behaviour)

statetrooperstacey · 28/11/2016 15:32

Sorry, regarding full time residency , unless you are an "unfit mother" then there is no way he will get full time residency of a pre school child when you are/ have been the primary career. He cannot now claim you are an "unfit mother" as he will be asked why he was happy to have you look after them previously.
At least he has shown his true colours while the children are still young, it probably won't feel like it now but you have made a wise decision in not accepting less than you deserve. He sounds like a twat.
Onwards and upwards for you my lovely!

golfbuggy · 28/11/2016 15:38

Asking is perfectly reasonable.

But was he correct in saying that you couldn't afford it? Or would this require taking out loans/putting the cost on credit cards etc (which may well be what he's done to pay legal costs!)?

LagunaBubbles · 28/11/2016 15:46

It sounds like there probably already were issues in the relationship anyway and this argument was just the tip of the ice berg.

BantyCustards · 28/11/2016 16:25

We could afford it, the grandparents' attitude was 'what's wrong with her' (despite them being quite happy to offer childcare if I was working), and it was only for 8 hours a week until we were eligible for the 15 free hours.

Original poster

Xmaspudnpies · 29/11/2016 13:43

I just keep going back and forth over whether I was reasonable for not

OP posts:

Snowflakes1122 · 29/11/2016 14:20

Only you know if it was a reasonable request. I know a couple of sahm mums who do it, and they are very comfortably off.
If you couldn't afford it, perhaps he had money stresses and this was the straw that broke the camels back.
Money causes so many arguments in relationships if you're not on the same page.

Why does he only want the youngest DC?

bluelilies · 29/11/2016 14:25

If you're rich and the DC are pre-nursary age, then I would feel it was a reasonable request.

Otherwise, not really. Most people manage to look after their DC if they're a full time SAHM, or do some childcare swaps with other parents.

But I would assume there must have been more to your relationship breakdown than this. Did your DH feel that you weren't pulling your weight maybe? Or did you feel he was controling all your spending?

If you were/are a SAHM, it's unlikely he'd be given residence of any of the DC. Seems odd that he would think otherwise?

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 29/11/2016 14:27

If he works full time then surely if he did get residency (very unlikely) he'd have to use childcare? And you have 2 children but he only wants residency of 1? Is he trying to avoid paying maintenance?

YANBU - it's an odd situation, and very contradictory. Can't imagine court proceedings going in his favour, especially as he is trying to seperate siblings.

Original poster

Xmaspudnpies · 29/11/2016 15:34

I wouldn't say we were 'rich' but our income was a bit over £40k after tax.

I was totally burnt out, and I knew he was too. We both had been for some time, with very little family support.

Our outgoings were well below the outgoings I''be read about in here. With sitting down and working together we could have easily afforded £50 a week for a few months. We had no debt apart from the mortgage which was less than £500/pcm.

Our expenditure was as a result of being burned out - take aways, eating on the run etc.

Our family set-up was a little unusual which meant that even though I was a SAHM I had other additional commitments which took up at least 30 hours of my time a week.

OP posts:

bluelilies · 29/11/2016 15:49

I don't think people here can really judge whether your request was reasonable if they don't understand your situation - 30 hours a week other commitments sounds like a huge extra demand (where were your DC during this time? ) and makes quite a difference to the amount of time you must have had left for looking after kids and home. I presume the extra commitments weren't a paid job? Was that what your DH was resentful of? But I'm guessing here - maybe you'd be better talking to a friend in RL who understands your situation.

FV45 · 29/11/2016 15:50

since the breakdown he has spent thousands of pounds in court trying to achieve full residency of our youngest.

Are you willing to give a bit more detail about this?
It sounds like an awful lot of money to be spending on child residency issues.

Yamadori · 29/11/2016 15:55

Children are a joint responsibility, nobody should have to ask the other for a few hours childcare - it's their child too!

(And don't get me started on dads 'babysitting' their own kids when their dp goes out for the evening!)

bluelilies · 29/11/2016 16:01

I think the OP wanted her DH to pay for someone else to childmind for a few hours a week yamadori - not that she wanted him to do more himself.

Original poster

Xmaspudnpies · 29/11/2016 16:01

If he gets full residency he's quite happy to pay for childcare.

Our eldest has a disability which meant a lot of additional hours to meet DC needs - we received DLA and carers allowance as a result.

OP posts:

Original poster

Xmaspudnpies · 29/11/2016 16:04

FV45 - he decided that I couldn't possibly look after both children on my own despite him being out of the house 12+ hours 5 days a week.

I left him after the awful argument (one of many that year, always about me trying to talk with him about our situation and how we needed to get a break)

OP posts:

OohhThatsMe · 29/11/2016 16:05

I think anyone who is caring for a child with additional needs will soon find themselves desperate for some time - as you say - just to do the housework and catch your own breath. It was very unreasonable of him to make such a huge fuss about this.

rightsofwomen · 29/11/2016 16:06

he decided that I couldn't possibly look after both children on my own despite him being out of the house 12+ hours 5 days a week.

he can decide what he likes. Didn't the judge find him lacking in evidence. Why is your ex spending thousands on this?

Ouriana · 29/11/2016 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OohhThatsMe · 29/11/2016 16:34

The OP's had a problem with a slight name change - she's said "Our eldest has a disability which meant a lot of additional hours to meet DC needs."

This makes it even more unreasonable that her husband has reacted like this.

CheshireChat · 29/11/2016 17:42

I find it horrible that he only wants the youngest as his older sibling is, presumably, more work!

SomethingLikeFlying · 29/11/2016 17:45

God what a prick. He's be unreasonable about everything.

Original poster

Xmaspudnpies · 29/11/2016 17:59

I was only asking for a solid 6-8 hours.

I'd been struggling for some time and had health issues on top. I just needed to get back on my feet for 6 months or so.

I felt it would help us both - the house wouldn't run away with me, I'd be able to get on top of some pre-prepared freezer meals.

At the time our youngest wouldn't leave me alone for longer than 5-10 minutes so getting anything done was very difficult - especially since I was finding it hard to think straight.

OP posts:

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