To feel completely undermined and unsupported?

[TeddyBear7]

Hi MN

I am just so completely stunned that I have to ask whether I am missing something.

So we - (being dh, 7yo dd & myself) decided to snuggle up together on the sofa to watch the dances from last night's strictly again. Just before dh pressed play DD had an outburst about something and ended up pinching me and biting my arm out of frustration. DH waited til she had finished and then said, "OK can we carry on with strictly now?" . I said I think that that would be rewarding her and that she should have some kind of consequence. He said that carrying on with our plan is not a reward. I disagree but even so, what is the consequence? Surely the consequence is that she doesn't get to participate in watching until she has at least apologised? He said no, I should just ignore her and pressed play. I walked out of the room but of course I am now the unreasonable one. Am I Really? If I am I feel like I must be bonkers. The two of them are snuggled up as if nothing has happened.

Is this normal behaviour for your dd

If my 7 year old did that, they'd be told off and asked to sit somewhere else (out of the room) for 10 minutes while the show started. With a reminder as to exactly why.

They'd also have to apologise.

So yanbu.

Is DD NT?

Pinching and biting you? Ds2 is 6 and if he did that to me he'd be in bed for the evening before his feet touched the floor tbh.

Why did you walk out of the room leaving her there?

I would have pulled her to her feet and told her she was going to her room and I expected an apology. Why are you waiting for the consequence to come from your dh?

Is this usual behaviour from your daughter?

Why are you waiting for the consequence to come from your dh?

^This!

You don't just gloss over physical violence from a NT 7 year old. In this house that would have led to a 7 minute time out followed by a calm but serious talk about expected behaviour etc. If they showed remorse than we would continue with out plans.

Totally wrong of your DH to let your DD hurt you. He should have backed you up, maybe discussed it later with you, but at the time he should have backed you up 100%.
Children need to learn not to hurt people and that biting is wrong.

Erm I've got three dd's. 7,6,4. The younger two have autism and there's not a chance I would expect being bitten or hit by either despite them having special needs. The youngest doesn't understand but the middle would and would face consequences. Men can often be useless and can't be bothered (my husband can often ignore). Personally I'd do the punishing.

You don't just gloss over physical violence from a NT 7 year old

This. Unchecked, it won't stop. And a pinch from a 13 year old is going to hurt a hell of a lot more.

I wouldn't have stopped her watching TV with us. I would have dealt with the situation first though. Time out or whatever your choice of consequence is.

Then when it was sorted I would have watched it with her.

That's very aggressive behaviour to come out of nowhere.

If even my five year old did that he'd have a good talking to and be marched off to bed. I would be furious. Why on earth would she have ever thought that was acceptable?? Sensory problems? Special needs? That's dreadful behaviour if NT

My 8 year old would be sent straight to bed and his Xbox would be confiscated for a week if he did that to me.

I can't actually even imagine him doing something like that.

Does she do this often?

It's impossible to say unless we know if your daughter has any additional needs.

She is ADHD and odd (oppositional). Basically she is emotionally immature. She frequently has outbursts but because dh and I respond so differently she thinks there are no boundaries. Every time I set one he undermines it. I've been trying to encourage him to dish out the consequences so she can see her behaviour is unacceptable to both of us. Otherwise I am always the bad guy and he is Disney dad. Meanwhile she's running rings around us as she won't accept discipline from me as she knows he won't back it up. And she never gets disciplined by him. I just assumed I wouldn't need to spell it out to him after she bit me. But he just doesn't get it.

We have had lots of professional advice which all says that whilst we need to cut her some slack because of her immaturity she still needs to know where her boundaries are. So in this case all I thought was necessary was an apology and perhaps miss the first dance. I just can't see what is so unreasonable in that.

Is she under the care of CAMHS? Have they (or any other professionals) given you any strategies? I'd be curious as to how she behaves at school.

Sorry, we cross posted on your most recent one.

I think she needs clear consequences. I don't think she's too old for a star chart or something similar. She can earn and lose privileges. If she's a daddy's girl, then she will maybe lose treat time with him. Perhaps she can "earn" a treat/experience with you.

Any physical agression towards another person needs both of you to be on the same page regarding discipline. If your dd was to behave like this to another non family member they would be in a lot of trouble - maybe you should point this out to your Dh.

Why didn't you pull her up yourself op? What would your Dh have done if you would have disciplined her yourself?

My dd with autism has boundaries. We gauage if stress has caused the behaviour but just because she processes the world differently she still need to know certain behaviours aren't tolerated. You need to talk to your dh. You shouldn't be the bad guy all the time.

I'm just so tired. Dealing with this on my own is very stressful. At school she is perfectly sweet. But she will retaliate if someone is aggressive towards her. She doesn't initiate anything. Her self esteem is low. She'll often have a brilliant day at school but then come home and explode. And waking her up in the morning is a nightmare. She'll even kick me. DH thinks I should just turn a blind eye. Or at the very most just say "that's unacceptable ". No consequence. And if I set one he thinks I'm being unreasonable. He says "it breaks his heart" . Of course he is in bed while all this is going on in the morning "staying out of the way" somas not to interfere and tom"let me get on with it". Quite frankly it suits me as if he was there he would only undermine me.

I would have actually turned the whole program off. my Dh can be a bit lax at parenting properly but this is one thing we both are on form with when it comes to supporting each other in front of dd.

If your DH finds it so acceptable for your 7 year old to pinch and bite you, why not pinch and bite him and see how he likes it.

If he's absolutely fine then you can all sit and watch your tv programme in peace, if he flips at you (which he will), then you can point out his double standard!!

I would have loved to have turned the tv off. But he wouldn't support it. This is what makes me so sad. Then the focus would become more and not dd.

*me not more