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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about my neighbor?

27 replies

BuggerOffDailyMirror · 18/11/2016 22:04

I'm off work at the moment because my fanjo tried to kill me (see daily mirror for details Angry) so I've been at home at unusual times of the day.

Next door I have an elderly couple, we'all call the lady m and the gentleman t. They've been together 20 years, no children, not married but both have been married previously. M's previous marriage was very abusive from what she's told me. She is severely underweight and has incurable but slow progressing cancer. T is healthy and 15 years her junior.

Anyway, since we moved into the house DP and I regularly hear 'sex noises' through the wall in our spare bedroom which joins their bedroom and usually make a joke of it, they have a better sex life in their 70's than we do in our 20's Blush but since I've been in the house in the quiet I've been listening more closely and I'm not entirely sure it's all sex, and the bits that are sex I'm not sure are consensual on her part Sad on one occasion I distinctly heard her say 'no don't T' before I heard their bed moving and his grunting (sorry)

I've also heard noises which I previously thought were sex noises, But now I've listened I think it's her crying/ in pain.

I have no idea how I'd go about helping or even if I should? Is this something SS deal with?

I'll caveat all this by saying mentally I'm not in a great place at the moment (PTSD more than likely and some pretty grim anxiety as a result of the recent demon fanjo attack) so I don't know if actually I should be just leaving this well alone?

Clarity would be good please Confused

OP posts:
CatThiefKeith · 18/11/2016 22:15

Tricky. Could you invite her round for coffee without him?

Optimist1 · 18/11/2016 22:20

Do you get the opportunity to talk to her one to one? Could you tell her that you thought you heard her crying the other night and it's been playing on your mind? I suspect that at her age she wouldn't want to discuss sexual assault with you, but there may be another explanation (pain of her condition, difficulty getting her tights off, heavy handed toenail cutting on his part, etc etc) that has a ring of truth about it. I've no idea what this conversation would achieve apart from letting her know that you're concerned for her welfare and possibly setting your mind at rest.

What on earth has happened to you and should I worry that my fanjo will join the revolution ?

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 18/11/2016 22:45

Definitely try to sound her out first - invite her over for tea or ask her to give her opinion on something. I've trawled the mirror website and can find no mention of killer fanjos

Original poster
BuggerOffDailyMirror · 18/11/2016 22:46

Hmm I could probably corner her when she's next out in the garden but T would be in the kitchen, I could give it a go though. Would she be classed as a vulnerable adult?

optimist i thought I was having a heavy period and was feeling a bit peaky so posted on Mumsnet to double check it was all normal.. they all said no it wasn't normal to be bleeding through a pad and hour and told me to call 111. I did and an hour later I was passed out in an ambulance a whisker away from cardiac arrest Blush.. turns out I had sepsis and ended up losing 30% of my blood volume, had a blood transfusion, 4 days in hospital and 8 weeks on house arrest Blush whoops! The thread got picked up by the daily mirror so I had to have it deleted Angry but I got tons and tons of support from Mumsnet and my fanjo is now the most famous attempted murderer on Mumsnet Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
BuggerOffDailyMirror · 18/11/2016 22:47

[https://www.google.co.uk/amp/www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/woman-says-mumsnet-saved-life-9226089.amp?client=safari]

OP posts:
Original poster
BuggerOffDailyMirror · 18/11/2016 22:49

Back to my neighbor: the 'no T dont' was definitely sex, rhythmic bed movements and grunting Envy (

OP posts:
KatsAndCids · 18/11/2016 22:53

Well this is a tricky one.

In your shoes I'd probably try and speak to any close family/ friends/relatives and try and have a bigger picture

Then take it from there

honeysucklejasmine · 18/11/2016 22:55

So sorry the Mirror got you, Bugger. The audacity they have, to read your username (referring the The Daily Mail at the time) and think "here's a woman who's story we can publish without permission".

Regarding your neighbour, I would attempt a charm offensive, hand of friendship etc, and let her know you're able to advocate for her.

Wotshudwehave4T · 18/11/2016 22:58

Hi OP I hope you are getting stronger and have the support you need. Re your neighbour, perhaps knock and invite her round or get advice from SS as to how/who can help her if it's not them. (((Hugs)))

Rubberduckies · 18/11/2016 23:02

Sorry the mirror got you, I think they just wanted to piss off the mail! Such a shame your post had to go, it was eye opening and I definitely learnt from it.

Re your neighbour I second inviting her round for a chat, it might be helpful for both of you to have someone to talk to.

She might not tell you anything, and it might not change the situation, but she would know you care.

You could always chat with ss, she might already be open to a nurse or social worker who could increase their input.

Optimist1 · 18/11/2016 23:09

I'm glad that you were seen and treated promptly, Bugger - you were so right to seek (and take) advice. Speedy recovery to you.

AbernathysFringe · 18/11/2016 23:25

Didn't know what you were talking about OP so googled 'Daily Mirror Vagina'. You wouldn't believe the amount of hits.

Original poster
BuggerOffDailyMirror · 18/11/2016 23:51

AbernathysFringe Grin

If I contact ss though does that log it officially and potentially mean they'all pick it up?

The reason I feel a bit responsible for them is because they have no children and no family, and we're really the only neighbors they speak to so I'm not sure if they are on anyone else's radar? If I contact ss can they just advise or would they get involved?

OP posts:
JennyPocket · 19/11/2016 00:05

Obviously you've been close enough at some point for her to confide in you that her previous relationship was abusive, so she might be able to share more with you if there's something going on currently.

I might start with popping round, if you can (health wise, glad you're on the mend now). Say you've been poorly and are off work for 8 weeks and are a bit bored?! If nothing else, it's a neighbourly thing to do. Take it from there. Hopefully someone will come along who knows more about support services for this kind of situation. If she has incurable cancer, she might already have a HCP, who could help (if it's required, if she wanted).

Original poster
BuggerOffDailyMirror · 19/11/2016 00:52

Yeah she divulged about her ex partner after meeting my DP, he's lovely and calm and she commented on how different he was to her first husband and then talked about what she went through. I don't want to go into details but it was bad.

Good idea about using recovery as a reason to go round. I can invite her over for a cup of tea to keep me company, she's more likely to say yes if she thinks she's helping me. I'd invite her here though because T will be in at hers. Thanks everyone :)

OP posts:
IAmNotACat · 19/11/2016 01:28

Can't help with neighbour but I'm f*cking outraged that the DM wrote an article on someone's personal medical emergency. WTF?

goddessofsmallthings · 19/11/2016 05:51

One of my, now sadly late, great uncles was a top ranking and highly rated employee of the Mirror way before Cap'n Bob caused it to sink into the mire.

While in the newsroom one summer day he learned of a dapper old gentlemen who, on emerging from his home every morning, picked two flowers from his front garden, one of which he placed in his buttonhole before presenting the other to an elderly lady who lived some doors away.

Having formed the opinion that this would make a charming human interest story, my uncle set out to despatch a reporter to chat to the couple in question and a photographer to snap the courtly old soul in the act of plucking the blooms.

However, on asking for the address, he discovered that the aged but sprightly swain was his own recently widowed father. That was one story that didn't get into print. Grin

Flowers for you, BODM. What an ordeal you've been through! I hope your convalescence is drama free and that you are able to entice your neighbour into 'befriending' you. However, I would suggest you refrain from broaching the subject on the first occasion she takes tea with you and wait until you've established more of a rapport with her before raising it.

pklme · 19/11/2016 07:23

It's worth ringing SS as well as inviting her to yours. They can speak to GP and get someone referred to support them "because of her illness", which will give them the opportunity to get involved.

She is especially vulnerable if she can't manage on her own without him- if he is her carer, she may be reluctant to risk having to move into a home or something,

Phillipa12 · 19/11/2016 07:49

Sorry to say bugger the UK sepsis trust found out about it too, im a member after losing my dd to sepsis and mumsnet and a mention of your thread was on my facebook feed under their heading, they were very pleased that so many people on mumsnet were sepsis aware. (Didnt copy and paste your thread though, just highlighted the dangers of sepsis)
Going back to your other post though, if this lady has opened up about a previous abusive relationship then getting her on her own for coffee and dropping a subtle hint that you heard crying probably will make her open up to problems with this partner.

Skittlesss · 19/11/2016 08:53

I agree with asking her round for company for you and then you can ask her in a delicate way.

I don't even know what sepsis is and why it's to do with a period so I'm off to google now. Hope you don't mind!

BoboBunnyH0p · 19/11/2016 09:05

Hi op I hope your physical recovery is going well and that once you have counseling your mentally stronger. Than you for your original post on think a lot if us learned from it.
With regards to your neighbour, yes try and speak with her. If your still not happy speak with social services or try your local councils safeguarding team.

Original poster
BuggerOffDailyMirror · 19/11/2016 09:06

phillipa Flowers so sorry for your loss.

I no problem at all with the sepsis trust picking it up, at least they help people rather than just using my case to turn me into an internet freak show everyone can gawp at :(

OP posts:
user1471545174 · 19/11/2016 09:11

I remember your post but didn't know about the follow up. I also googled Daily Mirror vagina and am now worried it's on record for a year Grin

I am so glad you're recovering, OP.

I agree with asking her round alone. Possibly for a glass of wine with your DP there?

sglodion · 19/11/2016 09:12

I think you're right to be concerned but I read a thread on here a few days ago where a concerned neighbour contacted SS and they told the people exactly who made the referral so it's caused a bit of trouble.
Is the lady never home alone for you to invite her round for a cuppa?

flumpybear · 19/11/2016 09:21

Invite her round - perhaps more than once too.

As for the Daily Mirror - bastards!!!!! That thread was something that others should have to reflect on if they're feeling the same .... so shitty they've forced you to have it deleted
Glad you're ok - was wondering how you were doing now!! Flowers