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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh scared to watch baby alone

28 replies

Raiseyourglass26 · 18/11/2016 14:11

Dh will be watching baby (3 months old) tomorrow for a few hours as I'll be out and he's told me today he's really nervous about doing it himself. He is really hands on with her at all other times and has spent time alone with her before, so I don't understand where this has come from and be can't explain it. Aibu to expect him to get on with it tomorrow or should I cancel my plans?

OP posts:
Greengoddess12 · 18/11/2016 14:13

No he has to get on with it but it's normal for feel nervous and responsible around a new baby.

He will cope.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 18/11/2016 14:13

Just let him get on with it. If he's nervous could he book himself up on a paediatric first aid course with st johns ambulance? And/or a parenting course.

Ginmakesitallok · 18/11/2016 14:14

Of course he'll be nerous if he's never had baby on his own before - but leave him to it, he'll be fine!

timeforsomethingnew · 18/11/2016 14:14

Tell him you know he is going to be fantastic because he's hands on. That you know he's got this. And then go out and leave him to it.

Sparlklesilverglitter · 18/11/2016 14:14

Go tomorrow as planned he will be fine

When DH returned to work after paternity leave and I was to be alone with my baby I was scared too, I had never looked after a baby un attended before. I'm a parent now so had to get on with it

NickyEds · 18/11/2016 14:14

He's got to get on with it.

Sparrowlegs248 · 18/11/2016 14:15

No yanbu but neither is he for being nervous. Previously you have probably been there and he most likely sees you as in charge of the baby situation. It'll be good for them both!

Hellmouth · 18/11/2016 14:15

Don't cancel your plans, he will need to get over his anxiety at some point. He'll realise that babies aren't that hard to look after, and are kind of boring a lot of the time lol ;)

ZoFloMoFo · 18/11/2016 14:18

Unless you plan on never going out for the forseeable future, then he's just going to have to get in with it, like you had to the first time you were left alone with the baby.

Do not cancel your plans. Out of interest - Do you think that's what he wants, for you to cancel your plans?

Mondegreens · 18/11/2016 14:29

Of course you don't cancel your plans. Honestly, OP, did you think anyone was going to tell you you should???

I have very little patience with male learned helplessness, particularly from watching a work version happen in virtually all academic departments I've worked in, where senior men portrayed themselves as helpless in the face of routine admin tasks to the point where (like you considering cancelling your plans) female colleagues or admin staff ended up doing it for them 'because it was easier.'

Having said that, I have recently seen a similar dynamic emerge in a lesbian couple who were new parents - the woman who had carried the baby, and who also worked with children professionally, became lead parent very quickly, and got cross with the under-confident other mother for not reading cues as quickly - until 'alpha mother' went back to work, and 'beta mother', who worked PT, had to be hands on with the baby two full days a week. It was the best thing that could have happened, and it's now a genuinely equal dynamic.

Trifleorbust · 18/11/2016 14:29

You need to get him (and yourself) out of the habit of saying he is 'watching' the baby. He is caring for his child. 'Watching' sounds scarily like babysitting.

Original poster
Raiseyourglass26 · 18/11/2016 14:42

Thanks everyone, I don't think I made it very clear in my original post, but he has spent time alone with her on more than one occasion, which is why im a bit baffled about tomorrow making him nervous.

zofloe I don't think so. He said on the phone today that he doesn't want me to cancel my plans, he's just nervous about tomorrow.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 18/11/2016 14:46

He'll be less nervous next time, and even less the time after that. It's a learning process and part of being a Dad.

WLF46 · 18/11/2016 14:50

He just needs to do it in order to become comfortable with it. It sounds like he's prepared to get on with it, so he don't worry. It's not that weird really, parenting does not come naturally to everyone and some people are overwhelmed by the responsibility.

It might be worth trying to find out why he's so worried about this occasion though.

ZoFloMoFo · 18/11/2016 14:56

Well if he's "just nervous" and can't even articulate why, I think he'd benefit from spending time alone with his child more regularly.

Saracen · 18/11/2016 14:58

It IS scary. Many new parents are terrified of being responsible for their baby. Not everybody feels that way, but a great many do. (I disagree with what a PP said about it being a male thing; it's just that mums generally have to face their fears earlier as they are usually the main carer.)

The only cure for your dh is to get on with it. Be sympathetic, be patient, be encouraging, then go out as planned.

He will come to terms with it quicker if he has to do it more often. How would both of you feel about making this a regular thing where you go out every Saturday?

DoItTooJulia · 18/11/2016 15:00

Under no circumstances cancel. Unless you want to cancel every plan you make that involves him having the baby on his own for the next few years.

If he doesn't crack this now, when will he?

TimTamTerrier · 18/11/2016 15:14

He will be fine. Tell him you know he will be fine, don't let his nervousness make you nervous or you will both make each other worse.

When we got DS (he was about 9 months old when he was placed with us) we were both at home with him for a couple of weeks. I was definitely nervous about being left by myself after paternity leave was up, not for any particular reason just because it was new. So I can understand a slight dip in confidence on his part. But I was absolutely fine, and he will be too.

corythatwas · 18/11/2016 15:57

Were you not nervous the first time you were left alone with the baby? Did he cancel his whole life because of that? Or did he perhaps expect that you would be able to face up to your fears and manage anyway?

There is your answer..

MrsMook · 18/11/2016 16:09

I was nervous when DH left me with DS on my own for the first time (although that was partially due to still recovering from the birth and feeling fragile).

He just needs to ride it out to gain confidence.

museumum · 18/11/2016 16:30

No. don't cancel. If we all cancelled every time we were a bit nervous we'd never sit an exam or go to a job interview or try a new sport.

It's ok to be nervous but the only thing that helps is a bit of reassurance from someone who believes in you and just getting on and doing it.

Tell him you believe he'll do just fine.

KikiNeedsABroom · 18/11/2016 16:31

He's allowed to express his feelings but if he's done it before and it's his child rather than a relatives then yes, he needs to just do it and I'm sure all will be fine.

Are you doing something that you can walk away from/they could meet you if it all goes badly wrong or can he arrange for them to pop in to granny/meet a friend for coffee so he's got a bit of moral support?

Original poster
Raiseyourglass26 · 18/11/2016 16:33

cory you've hit the nail on the head. I forget because it seems so long ago, but looking back it was really nerve wracking looking after her alone for the first few weeks.

Feel bad now for not taking Dh's feelings into consideration about this. Blush

I'll definitely still be going tomorrow, he'll be fine.

OP posts:
waterrat · 18/11/2016 16:37

I was terrified when my DH left me with a 2 yr old snd 2 week old and went off to work. I think it's pretty feeble to be worried of a few hours 3 months in to being a parent to be honest !

suspiciousofgoldfish · 19/11/2016 13:22

Ha! Nice try, sunshine.

Don't you dare cancel your plans OP.
And btw he's not watching anything, he's being a father.

They will be fine, go out and enjoy your first taste of freedom!