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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say ds now can't come to party

24 replies

listsandbudgets · 10/11/2016 08:46

Ds was I item to a party this weekend by someone in his class and his mum said she'd confirm a dress closer to time as shed had problems with people just turning up without replying before.

She's now given address and I've worked out its at least 2 1/2 hours each way by bus provided everything running on time. Would probably be 40 minutes by car so guessing at least £20 each way by taxi. Don't know anyone well enough to ask for lift.

Ds is really looking forward to it but AIBU to pull out hema use its so hard to get to?

OP posts:

Nospringflower · 10/11/2016 08:48

I would see if I could get him a lift somehow? Maybe the party mum could help put you in touch with someone?

5moreminutes · 10/11/2016 08:50

Is it his home address or a venue? If it's a venue could you call or message her to explain the logistics and ask whether you can drop him off at their house and he can travel with them? If you're at the same school he probably doesn't live a 40 minute car journey away does he?

daisiesinherfootsteps · 10/11/2016 08:55

I think in the circumstances you should text her back and explain that it isn't feasible by public transport for you (5 hours plus 2 hour party basically writes off an entire day of your weekend) and ask if she knows of anyone close to you who you could get a lift with, offer petrol money.

If there's no lift forthcoming then you are totally right to pull out.

Andbabymakesthree · 10/11/2016 08:59

She should have given idea of location if some distance from school. Unless of course you live away from school area?

Bluntness100 · 10/11/2016 09:03

If you don't drive and don't have a car then you are going to encounter this more and more. So you need to find solutions or seriously hamper your kid. I'd be also looking to see who else is going and if uou can take him to and collect him from that persons house instead.

NerrSnerr · 10/11/2016 09:07

I would ask the party mum if there is someone who can give your son a lift, or ask at the school gate. I bet someone wouldn't mind.

PlumsGalore · 10/11/2016 09:21

If she is organising a party that is 40 mins drive away she should expect some people cannot come.

I personally would ring her and politely decline because of the logistics of getting there, and then maybe she will offer you a lift? if not, then no harm done and everyone understands your DS won't be attending. It is a perfectly valid reason for declining the invite.

FleurThomas · 10/11/2016 09:22

Before I learned to drive I used to take my neice on marathon public transport trips so her social life wasn't like mine (my mum didnt drive, my dad worked all hours under the sun, and we lived miles away from my friends in a place where public transport was awful so we couldn't go anywhere). She used to call them adventures and was gutted when I got a car lol.

golfbuggy · 10/11/2016 09:38

How old is DS? Assuming primary school age, 40 minutes drive away is ridiculous unless you live very rurally and that's the nearest place!

No way would I be doing that journey for a random children's party, I expect party mum may get lots of drop outs!

eddielizzard · 10/11/2016 09:43

i would tell her you can't get him there - would she be willing to give him a lift? then if she says no, you pull out. not unreasonable.

5moreminutes · 10/11/2016 09:50

Tbh although everyone I know has at least one car in the family and most have 2 (we live rurally, no public transport to anywhere within an hour's walk except on routes that serve mainly as school buses) I would never arrange a party at a venue a 40 minute drive away unless I was offering to transport the invited children from my house to the venue. We have done exactly that a few times - we had a 7 seater and a 5 seater and arranged for siblings to be elsewhere, and party numbers were limited to seats in the cars. That was specified on the invitation though.

I've never been asked, nor asked other parents, to transport their children more than a 20 minute drive away, and have always been willing to have kids with logistical problems getting to the party dropped at ours instead, as long as they are punctual so we get to the venue before other guests!

StarBears · 10/11/2016 09:51

Who books a class party that's 2.5 hours away from the local area?! Even half an hour away is pushing it. I would see if you can get a lift and if not then I wouldn't go and would explain why. It's only a kid's party.

StarBears · 10/11/2016 09:54

Sorry, 2.5 hours by bus but even 40 mins by car is pretty far for a kids party. Parents often have other children to deal with, other things to do. I'd go so far as to say it's a bit selfish to expect parents to travel that far.

When I book parties I pick on the basis that 1) the kids will enjoy it (some parties are like a PE lesson and not that fun 2) it's close to where we all live and not on the other side of the one-way streeted city 3) there is plenty of parking. It should be fun, not an ordeal.

44PumpLane · 10/11/2016 10:01

The thing with the party being 50 mins away from the OP by car is that perhaps OP lives a 15 min drive from school and other parents live a 15min drive from school in the other direction and are holding the party 10 mins from their house.

I'm from Northumberland so this wouldn't be out of the norm, lots of venues would be in Ncl or Gateshead and therefore a half hour drive away or people would be spread out in school catchment- so I think that bit is fine!

However I'd just ring party Mum and let her know that now you've got the location it'll be 2.5 hours on public transport either way so not really that feasible so unfortunately you'll have to decline. Perhaps ask her if she knows anyone else coming from your direction that you could ask for a lift (with petrol money)- I wouldn't mind giving lifts to help kids get places.

44PumpLane · 10/11/2016 10:02

*40 mins away

Madmog · 10/11/2016 10:16

My DD often had parties which took 40-60 by car. I let her go as I did't want her to miss out.

As others have said, contact Mum and explain transport problems, explaining your son would love to go if someone can give him a lift. Whoever gives him a lift, invite their child back for tea or trip out.

When DD was younger I was often the one needing lifts for her. In return I invited friends back a bit more, had a couple when the school was closed due to snow (parents working that day, I wasn't). Even though DD is older, it's not practical for some friends to go home on school bus if they have to return to school later, so they are welcome here. It's a case of helping each other.

5moreminutes · 10/11/2016 10:18

That's true actually 44

Though surely if (absentee) OP is carless she will be living fairly centrally, not in an outlying village/hamlet/ farm.

PumpkinsOnTheMantlepiece · 10/11/2016 10:22

I am sure one of your DS friends wouldn't mind giving a lift on this occaision as it is so far away.

Errppppp · 10/11/2016 10:27

Just call her and explain. Why on earth would you think it was unreasonable?

Original poster

listsandbudgets · 10/11/2016 11:10

Thank you.

I've texted and she's said she said if we can get to her house she can give us a lift. The party is being held at her parents as they have big house.

We do live fairly centrally but location of party is anything but which mainly accounts for length of bus journey.

Dp drives so not normally a problem but he's abroad that weekend

OP posts:

PurplePen · 10/11/2016 11:13

She sent out invites without revealing the location of the party and would only give the address of the party once you'd confirmed attendance?

That's bizzare. I would have said DC wasn't attending on that basis alone.

Original poster

listsandbudgets · 10/11/2016 11:16

Don't know purple. I have seen this suggested as a strategy on mumsnet many times to prevent people turning up to party without a rsvp

OP posts:

halcyondays · 10/11/2016 12:13

A rather silly strategy it must be said.

bumsexatthebingo · 10/11/2016 13:17

I see you've sorted something but that is a ridiculous length of time to expect people to travel - even by car - for a kids party.
And I've seen the 'don't put the venue on the invitations' thing before on here but I think it's stupid. Unless it's a best friend my kids may not want to go to parties at certain venues if it's something they don't like or I may well not be able to get them there so wouldn't be able to say yes or no.

Flip