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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she is starting to take the piss?

28 replies

Beautyandtheyeast · 23/10/2016 17:26

My friend has recently separated from her husband. He was a twat, we'd known it for years, and she had a lot of support from family/friends in helping her leave.

I paid for two weeks worth of petrol, as she had to leave suddenly and it was difficult for her to drive to her job from the new house, she hadn't got finances sorted. I also gave her money for other things to do with her new house etc. If I'm honest I couldn't really afford it, but she's my friend and I felt she had the greater need

She's posted today that she's bought hundreds of pounds worth of clothes and makeup, and has booked a weekend away. This is all part of "the new her" apparently

I'm not sure if I have the right to feel annoyed or not. I gave her the money not expecting to see it back, but I thought I was helping her pay bills and emergency expenses, not book a holiday. If she had money for both then surely she didn't need mine in the first place?

I am probably BU but I do feel taken advantage of

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 23/10/2016 17:29

I would probably say something. I can understand her wanting to make herself better but it shouldn't be at your expense

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/10/2016 17:30

YANBU. You have been taken advantage of.

ijustwannadance · 23/10/2016 17:30

No. She is taking the piss out of you.
She may need a break but not at your expense.

NavyandWhite · 23/10/2016 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/10/2016 17:45

Starting? No, that ship has well and truly sailed.

Still, she'd better be good at looking after herself from now on because she won't be getting another penny from you. Will she?

I'd be sending her a message reminding her that if she could easily afford hundreds of pound's-worth of clothes and make-up plus a holiday then she patently didn't need the money you gave her, so you'd like it back, thanks.

leaveittothediva · 23/10/2016 17:51

The way I look at it is if I can help someone out in this world, whether friend or not, and I'm in a position to, I just do it as an act of kindness, I'm not after anything in return. I then just move on. Forget about it. Now on the other hand if I help you, but I'm in a less favorable position to help, I will still help you, but I expect it to be paid back. Hope you get what I mean. You seemed very willing and happy to help out, but you were in a less favorable position, so you should have said you wanted her to reimburse you. That would only be fair.

Meadows76 · 23/10/2016 17:52

Actually no. you gave her money without wanting it back, to help her out in a time of need, does that automatically mean she should never spend another penny on herself? She should always be down and desperate? If it were my friend I would be saying good on ya, glad to see you back on top, whilst having a quite word to myself that she no longer needed financial help.

Looneytune253 · 23/10/2016 17:55

Could she not have been paid since and does have money spare? Or maybe benefits have just come through becoming a single parent perhaps? Obv don't offer any more but I'm hoping she didn't use your money for holiday etc lol x

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 23/10/2016 17:57

I think the decent thing for her to do now she is in a better position, is to buy you a gift to say thank you or make some sort of gesture of thanks.

Hopefully it will occur to her that she owes you that? If not, you need to consider the friendship to be a bit one sided.

KellyBoo800 · 23/10/2016 17:58

I think you've been a good friend....but you say she has lots of support from friends and family, is it possible that they've contributed too?

Only I know that if I'd just gotten out of a shit relationship and was having a hard time, my mum and dad would definitely give me some money for a weekend away and new clothes to make me feel better (not that I would ever dream of asking for it...but if I did, they'd do it in a heartbeat!)

SpotTheDuck · 23/10/2016 17:58

Did you tell her the money was a loan or a gift?

If it was a loan, then I'd text now saying something about how you've seen on Facebook she's got a lovely holiday booked and been shopping, how exciting and you're soooo pleased for her, and now that she's sorted out her finances you'd like your money back.

Even if you've mentally written off that cash you should try to get it a clean.

SpotTheDuck · 23/10/2016 17:59

A clean = back.

Original poster
Beautyandtheyeast · 23/10/2016 18:04

I'm not going to challenge her on it, but I don't think I'll be giving her any more money. I didn't expect to see it back, but it was on the understanding that she needed it for important stuff. I wouldn't have given her money to buy expensive makeup. I'd love some decent makeup myself, but I'd never spend that sort of money on it. Of course I want her to feel good about herself and to have nice things. She has one older child and claims no benefits - the money was to tide her over because there was some trickiness untangling her finances from her husband's, she moved out etc.

OP posts:
PoppyBirdOnAWire · 23/10/2016 18:05

"Meadows76

Actually no. you gave her money without wanting it back, to help her out in a time of need, does that automatically mean she should never spend another penny on herself?"

The OP has not suggested that at all. However, spending the money given to her by the OP ( presumably) on lots of clothes and a holiday does rather suggest she is taking huge advantage. YANBU, OP.

Original poster
Beautyandtheyeast · 23/10/2016 18:06

I suppose she could have been paid,I'm not sure. Two weeks ago she didn't have money to put petrol in her car, now she's booking an expensive weekend away and buying very expensive high end makeup, so I suppose that is the most likely thing.

OP posts:
dinosaursarebisexual · 23/10/2016 18:07

If you'd given me some money to help me out and I came into enough to buy hundreds of pounds of non-essentials, I'd have to be an awfully self-centered entitled twat not to offer it back.

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 23/10/2016 18:08

If her parents / relatives gave her money too, then she should have given the OP her money back. What a cheek to spend other people's money on fripperies.
And why are people trying to excuse her behaviour?

fanoir · 23/10/2016 18:08

Could she be planning to give you some money when she next sees you?

Original poster
Beautyandtheyeast · 23/10/2016 18:08

Well, that's my way of thinking, but I suppose I did give her it.

OP posts:
user1471545174 · 23/10/2016 18:12

I would dump her and see if the penny drops.

StorminaBcup · 23/10/2016 18:15

Perhaps this is all on a credit card that's she only just received? Unless you ask her, you're never going to know. Consider it a lesson learned next time you lend money; be clear to the recipient that it's a loan or (if it's a gift), be clear in your head that it's none of your business what they choose to do with it.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/10/2016 18:17

You now know she's spending money on luxury items.

You were a good mate in helping out financially when you thought she was temporarily on her uppers.

I'd let it go now but you know not to give money to her again.

ANewStartOverseas · 23/10/2016 18:20

I suspect that a lot of those things will have been paid by CC.
It is possible that she sorted that out in the last two weeks so suddenly has the possibility to buy stuff that she couldnt buy 2 weeks ago.

It does look bad though especially when you gave her money that you could have done with too. I expect that she knows that?

Roussette · 23/10/2016 18:24

I'd be pretty pissed off too TBH. Some people are just so daft about this sort of thing, I just do not understand why she wouldn't realise you would be a bit hacked off OP after helping her out.

I treated to a friend (then not now) who was broke to a holiday. She was desperate to go on a holiday but couldn't afford it. I paid the lot. At the airport she went off whilst I was having a coffee and bought a skirt for £90. I was so gobsmacked I sat there like a goldfish. What are these people on?

ChequeOff · 23/10/2016 18:59

I'd be pissed off too OP. And in your shoes, yes, I would ask her about it - in a non confrontational honest way. Because if she truly is a friend then you should be able to be honest about these kind of matters.