Is he BU or is the truth better?

[SandysMam]

I am cringing and need soothing!!

My partner has just told MIL that the reason I don't visit often is because I don't like FIL. MIL is difficult but ok and I am fond of her, but father in law is racist, sexist and generally horrible. He makes my skin crawl and always says something to offend and the only way to stop him upsetting me is to avoid as much as possible.

After years of mother in law wondering why they hardly see me, the truth is out! Can the truth ever be a good thing or should my partner have just continued to pretend I am always busy?

The truth is usually a good thing. And they know you aren't always busy.

Truth is certainly better, especially in this situation!

At least Mil knows it's not her!

She can't be surprised if his behaviour is bad - can't be the first time it has happened either

Nope in this situation I think it's good that it's out in the open. Being busy is a shit excuse.

The truth may hurt but it's always best imo...
We had to be truthful with bil about why we won't leave our kids with him unsupervised (spent over 4 years trying to split me and dh up, making up lies about things I was supposed to have done to him, trying to manipulate the situation so I looked bad and undermining me at every step-why would we leave our children with you bil when you behave like that?) also had to be truthful about why he doesn't get invited to spend days out with us (because every time we have bil-and we've done it plenty, your nice as pie to achingbacks face but then tell mrachingback that she's done x, y & z wrong and expect him to have a go at her on your behalf. No bil amazingly she doesn't feel much good will towards inviting you when we are making memories and we don't see why she should have to feel uncomfortable having you around when you bully her.'

He actually calmed down towards me since then-still a two faced twat but knows better than to show his other face to me or dh so being truthful does work in some cases.

Honesty may be embarrassing, but I think in this case it's the best policy.

Truth. Everytime on occasions like this

Thank you everyone, I kind of feel relieved, at least I don't have to pretend anymore. He has upset people continuously over the years and they have lost friends and not been invited to events etc frequently. I just feel sad that this may have hurt her feelings as ignorance is often bliss!

I wonder how she feels about her marriage. I feel so sad for her that FIL is pushing her DIL away. I would want to be so close to a DIL.

ignorance is often bliss!

Your MIL certainly isn't ignorant to your FIL's attitudes and behaviours.

More fool her for putting up with it at the cost of losing friends and family and not being invited to events.