To carry on with console ban now? Behaviour

[Lighthouseturquoise]

I've currently banned my 8 year old from the games console. Reason is him being really cheeky and constantly arguing and answering back about everything. Also getting his room into a complete state. I've posted about this before, his dad and I really cleared up his room and gave him pretty basic instruction on keeping it tidy.

The games console is the main thing he cares about.

So after a couple of weekends off it he's been much less cheeky. He hasn't really kept his room tidy although he was sick at the weekend so I've ended up doing it.

He's asking for the console back this weekend and I said maybe as he's been more polite.

Now this morning I've found a rotten apple core down the cushion on the sofa that he's left. This is the type of thing that leaves me fuming. I regularly find apple core and banana skins dumped in the sitting room. I don't think I'm asking for much for him to put them in the bin.

I'm thinking of saying no games console now because of this.

If it's banned permanently and with no end in sight, what does he have to lose? You won't encourage good behaviour that way.

He need a chance to earn it back, you can't expect perfection from an 8 year old and it sounds like he is trying,

I'm not sure. I said it was banned until behaviour improved. The behaviour was around room tidy, being cheeky and putting rubbish in the bin.

Yes that's true. I don't expect him to be perfect.

Hence why I've been tidying his room, but he was literally hiding his dirty socks in the toy boxes rather then just simply put them in the washing basket outside his room!

Is there a way to more closely link the consequence with the behaviour? That's the current way of thinking isn't it, that you try to find natural consequences to the unwanted behaviour so the child learns something rather than resents an un-linked punishment. I'm trying to think of what that would be in this situation though, to be honest. Sorry not much help there!

I'm not sure what the natural consequence of putting apple cores down the sofa would be.

It's not even like I can leave it for him the pick up.

I suppose I could stop him from eating apples in the sitting room but then I don't want to discourage him from eating apples, he loves them.

You said it was banned until behaviour improved.

You also said that overall it had. He isn't perfect but it has improved.

No and that's what I find difficult about that approach. I love the idea of it in theory, but in practice it's hard to find a natural consequence for some things.

Although you aren't saying he can't eat apples, just you can't trust him to take them into the lounge.

Can you not wash the socks? Would he care? I'm not sure my 8 year old DS would. He'd probably just put dirty ones on! . My DS also leaves apple cores, plum stones, yogurt pots etc all over the place. Drives me nuts.

It's difficult. I don't think he'd care if the socks didn't get washed. The trouble is he has to wear grey school socks and we end up with none left, then a huge collection of odd socks.

Perhaps I'll say no food in the living room.

Could you do the marbles in a jar thing? So everytime he does something positive, tidy his rubbish, speaks politely, does what he asked straight away, puts washing in the basket etc he gets a marble. Then each marble can be traded in for 5/10 mins console time.

You have to be really on it about praising everything. Don't take one out for poor behaviour but point out he could have had over if he'd just (give eg here of positive behaviour you want to see).

There's a real incentive to behave then and after a few weeks the positive behaviour should become more embedded.

I like that idea Owlina. I did try to bribe him with pocket money. He's always asking for comics and stuff so I said he could earn 50p a day for keeping his room tidy. He just didn't want to, said he didn't want any money.

Could you break down what's bothering you and award them points, the points equate to time on the console at the weekend. I'd not allow games console use in the week if it affects his behaviour that greatly.

So - room tidy before bed each day = 5 points
All washing picked up and put in laundry bin = 5 points
Food debris put in bin = 5 points
Polite, kind behaviour for the day = 5 points you can award extra random points for things that he does that are especially nice.

Have a chart up somewhere so he can actually see what he's accruing. Also means that if he's really cheeky, after a warning, you can remove points. Find Apple cores stashed anywhere, deduct points etc.
If points mean minutes then he can clearly see what he's working towards.

Sorry, I was slow typing so X posted with Owl, similar concept.

Get him to clean/vacuum the living room and promise that there will be no more food taken in.

Say he can have it for a limited time as long as he cleans up a bit and isn't cheeky. Put a timer on when you give the console and give a 10 minute
warning. Good luck!

Mine did the vacuuming after sneaking a crumbly cracker and dropping most of it on the floor. I wish I could say he did a good job of clearing up his mess....Argh!

DS1 and DS2 (10) are allowed to eat and drink in their rooms. DS2 forgets to bring his plate/ cups down (gets distracted even when reminded). They become harder to wash and I've got mumsnet to be on. Can't be tidying up after him.

Consequence 1 week (mon - fri) ban from taking food and drink up to his room - eating all meals at table (we do some anyway) with all plates cleared away. Works for about a month then we repeat.

Regarding socks (what is it with boys and casting off their socks) I make DS2 do the pairing if we're light on socks when it comes to sorting the washing. If he can't find roughly 7 pairs I send him to his room to find all his other hidden washing (stuff still in various sports bags etc) and load the washing machine. Again works for a while but we repeat as necessary.

Owlinas idea is a good one. As his behaviour has improved pop some marbles in a jar now and reward good behaviour with an additional marble and bad behaviour by losing a marble.

You need to be more specific.

I think it is fine to say general behaviour is poor, so banned for a period eg one week. But if you want him on side then you need to make the link clear.

Sit down with him and ask him what he thinks upsets you about behaviour. (it can be an enlightening conversation)
Come up with top 5 No Go actions eg

1. dirty apples/bananas etc on furniture/bed/sofa
2. dirty clothes in wash

Then make a deal. If he can stick to your top 5, he gets the console for X hours per day. (not too many, it is always good to have screen free time)
Or at weekends, once all the above have been done (eg tidy room) then he can have console.
Each violation of the 5 rules loses him 30 minutes. So, 2 hours play, 4 violations = no console.

You have to stick to it. And if tidying his room is on there, and you expect him to do it, then you can't give up and do it for him. If maybe tidying is tto big a job, then the rule maybe that on sat morning, mum and ds together tidy room. Then you give him jobs - ds put the lego in the box, ds put your clean clothes in the cupboard etc

I was going to suggest linking to pocket money until you said he's not interested! My DS9 can earn up to £2.50 a week by keeping his room and communal areas where he has his shit toys tidy, putting washing in the laundry basket and doing the hoovering.

If he doesn't do those things his money earned reduces to the point of none at all. Last week my DM found dirty socks stashed in his room, so he lost 50p etc.

Money motivates him though.

How about your DS earns console time instead, so if he throws all rubbish away in a day he gets 15 mins, if he puts his dirty clothes in the right place another 15, if he is polite another 15 or another amount of time determined by you, until he reaches his allocated time for the day? If you're really strict with times and don't buckle to "5 more minutes" or "Just let me finish this level!" then you may find he learns you're serious PDQ.

For us there is no console at all on weekdays and only at weekends if homework and his other (pocket money) tasks are done. I'm not actually that strict about the hoovering, as I can do it, but as long as he's tidied his stuff and put laundry in the wash as well as completing homework he gets his 2 hours per day of console time.

OMG didn't realise what a tyrant I am until I wrote it down!

Thank you for all he tips. Genuinely really helpful. I'll read through more thoroughly when toddler is in bed.

The console, it tends to take over. He's allowed it at weekends only. But I stupidly didn't put a time limit on it, what's reasonable? 2 hours? Sometimes we are out all day anyway at weekends. He'd be trying to negotiate carrying over his time. I've tried letting him self regulate, it just doesn't work and he was waking up at 5am wanting to go on it. I've noticed since he's been off it he's sleeping better.

I'd definitely go with no food in sitting room. In fact we have no food anywhere other than kitchen table. It's been really successful. The odd inevitable breaking of the rule means a couple of sweet wrappers in playroom or bedroom, or maybe a biscuit eaten directly from the biscuit tin. Obviously these are not a problem!

Natural consequence of the apple core thing is that the fruit/all snacks are put out of reach and he has to sit at the table to eat it? No snacks unless at the table sort of thing??

I think making him earn a set number of points that will equate to a number of console hours is a good idea.
Eg 20 points equals an hour a day
40 equals two hours??

If you just keep saying he can't have it at all he'll quickly get frustrated and stop trying.

We have a very simple rule, food is to be eaten at the table no if or buts.

That's it, works well, don't find bits of mouldy food all over the house.