To be at my wits end about DD's moods and behaviour?

[LittleMrsPollyPocket]

DD is 12. She was really well behaved and sweet until a couple of years ago when she began puberty and since then her moods and behaviour have been awful.

She is, 95% of the time, in a foul mood, which affects the whole house with lots of door slamming. She complains constantly about anything and everything. She says horrible hurtful things to me all the time and shouts at me; this morning she woke me up at 7am by standing by my bed and shouting at me as she'd lost her school tie.

Worst of all, she has horrible screaming tantrums when she can't have her own way. She ruined our family holiday this summer by having screaming crying tantrums every day.

She also refuses to do any tidying in her room or put any rubbish in a bin, so her room is always full of wrappers and packets. At the moment she refuses to brush the back of her hair and so it's a big matted mess. If I suggest brushing it for her or that she needs to brush it she has another screaming tantrum.

DH (her dad) is generally unsupportive and just tells me to ignore her moods, but it's me that bears the brunt of them and that she is nasty to. DH doesn't like it if I discipline her in any way by, for example, taking her phone off her.

It's really getting me down; she was absolutely vile yesterday and I feel completely drained :(

Have you tried to find out if anything is wrong at school? Otherwise you're her parent. You are in charge. I daresay I didn't like being disciplined either, didn't stop my Grandmother from doing so. Remove the phone and change the wi-fi password, you are allowed to be treated with respect and dignity, as is she. Her room doesn't matter really, a quick empty of rubbish once a week and no food allowed should be fine. Pick your battles!
Evening Primrose may also help her.

The issue is your dh. She's seen a crack and she's taking full advantage of the situation.

There ARE a lot of hormones at this age but the sort of behaviour you describe is plain rudeness!

You're right to remove her phone. I would have a chat with dh and tell him it's to him if he wants a brat for a daughter but you prefer to parent properly( ) and you will be clamping down hard on her and if he doesn't want to back you up he can just keep quiet.

Can you tell I have a similar situation?

She does need boundaries.Tell your dh that he's doing her no favours long term by not helping her to regulate her moods.

Emotional regulation is an essential skill as she can't kick off in the workplace.Knowing what she is feeling and why is important for all relationship development.

I would try a mixture of nurturing (talking with her, tracking her moods, getting extra vitamins, making sure she rests) with firm boundaries.i.e that is not an acceptable way to speak to me, please go to your room for timeout.Remove privileges (WiFi on her phone) pocket money etc.

I do recall a wise person saying when I went through something similar with my dd.Her 12 year old had more bad days than good and the 14 year more good days than bad.. essentially it does get better.

Having had similar issues, we sat down together and talked about how we felt, how we could try and get along together etc. DCs came up with basic ground rules eg. no hurting anyone else, speak to other people the way you want to be spoken to etc. and we discussed what would be fair consequences for not sticking to the rules, so everyone was clear. We stuck to just a few as I think you have to pick your battles - ( if her room is a mess, Pollypocket, she is the one that has to live in it!)
I also discovered that a lot of the anger and tantrums came from anxiety and friendship issues at school, which we tackled separately.
You are certainly not the only one going through this and it is tough when it feels like a personal attack on you, particularly if you arent getting much support from DH, but as you said you have a lovely, sweet natured DS who is struggling at the moment. This phase wont last forever

Moodiness and a bit of door slamming are to be expected at this age but regular screaming tantrums that you describe would make me wonder if there was something more going on. Is she having any friendship issues or problems at school? Is she eating well and getting enough sleep and health generally ok?

My mum says having teenagers is like the toddler stage. It's a delicate balancing act and the slightest thing - tiredness, hunger or just the wrong colour cup or loss of a school tie can result in a tantrum. The only difference is that you would expect some self control or at least an apology from a teen.

As PPs have said I would pick my battles and maybe let the hair and wrapper stuff go.

Hope it gets better OP

Yep. He's the problem. You do have to discipline kids. It's called being a parent. Agree house rules and consequences together.
She doesn't ever get what she wants by throwing a tantrum. Ever.
No food in bedroom.
That hair needs brushing.
Always have an or. You brush your hair or ....

Op I struggled with moods and now I realise most of it was hormone driven. I wish someone had told me or helped me, we had no idea

You need to look at her diet, read about that and help with it - ie avacado, oils, try primrose oil anything like that...

I think the basic summise is - no one wants to feel moody and upset all the time! We want to be happy.

So help her be happy, but its a tricky age I do believe its hormones to blame.

I also believe its better to explain things rather than a firm hand....good boundaries yes - but explain and talk to her validate her feelings but tell her there are better ways to tackle them.

Your dh sounds like a huge problem. I think I would sit down and agree some family rules and consequences if she breaks them. Also perhaps a reward - if she keeps her room tidy then she gets a treat - I know she should be doing it any way but start small

if her room is a mess she has to live with it, my 21yo dd shares with 17yo and the room is a tip, i never rewarded them for tidying it.
the needs to be house rules, as she seems to rule the roost big time and that isn't fair on anyone else.
have a quiet chat with dh without being confrontation and explain how you feel, surely he doesn't think this is acceptable behaviour. he doesn't want to be the bad guy but this cannot go on as it is, daddy's princess has to be brought back into line.

We did find that the right vitamin combo made a huge difference, But your DH is a big problem and he does need to step up and be a parent. You do not have to put up with this much teenage stroppiness.