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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have been desperate enough to have called 101?

24 replies

Ineedhelp777 · 25/09/2016 19:38

I'm in bits.

DS1 is 11 and tonight I had to call the police on him. He's been becoming increasingly violent towards me when ever I try to reprimand or dicipline him and I can't physically control him. He's never like this at school, he's not like this with anyone else but he explodes at me in such uncontrollable rage. DH is never here when he has these outbursts. Tonight he threatened me with a heavy weapon and I cracked and called 101. The police came out, took details and said that someone will be in touch from mental health. He had calmed down by the time they arrived and they were nice and DS was quiet and withdrawn. I feel terrible, absolutely awful and DH is furious. I didn't know what else to do. I will call the school tomorrow and tell them so they know. I don't know what will happen next.

Sorry for lack of details, I'm really upset at what has happened.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 25/09/2016 19:41

Oh God . No advice, but someone will be along shortly, no doubt. . Hopefully seeing you prepared to go the distance will be a wakeup call for your son.
It's not you your DH should be angry with.

Nanny0gg · 25/09/2016 19:41

If your husband is furious with you then I think his anger is misdirected.

Does he want you to wait till you're injured?

Have you sought counselling for your son? Does your DH try to talk to him?

Yarboosucks · 25/09/2016 19:41

Horrible. DH may be furious, but he wasn't there, you were, so your call. Your DS obviously needs some help, have you consulted your doctor about this behaviour? How is he at school?

Hugs

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 25/09/2016 19:43

I have been in your shoes. Don't feel guilty or let your dh make you feel bad either. My 13 yo ds tried to push me down the stairs while heavily pregnant. I rang the police and he was taken away for the night. Further incidents escalated and his future was uncertain for a long time. But I knew I needed help with him physically and emotionally. . Remember this is in his best interests too. It certainly wasn't an easy way out of the situation for any of you. But it was the best one.

daftbesom · 25/09/2016 19:43

Didn't want to read and run - OP how traumatic. You were not being unreasonable, you were feeling threatened and vulnerable. Your DS needs to learn to control himself, but until he does then you have to be able to do things that keep you all safe.

He also needs to know you love him but you are not collectively going to put up with being threatened, assaulted etc. Please have a serious talk with your DH about sticking together on this one - and tell him what you have told us - he is not there when these outbursts happen, he doesn't know what it is like.

Good luck OP, stick with it, you will be helping your son.

phillipp · 25/09/2016 19:45

Firstly I am sorry you are going through this.

Your ds' anger is controllable. Because it only happens with you and when your dh isn't there. If it was uncontrollable he would do to everyone and in front of dh.

You say you dh is furious? I hope you mean furious at your dh. If he is furious at you, you may need to look at the way your dh treats you in general. Is he teaching your ds' it's ok to treat you like shit?

BlackeyedSusan · 25/09/2016 19:48

sounds like you need it. at least you will get help now, I hope anyway.

BlackeyedSusan · 25/09/2016 19:52

anger not necessarily deliberate. if child has autism, he may be spending so much time masking in school that he has run out of the ability to keep it all in when they get home. like a pop bottle. school shake it up all day. he gets home with the adult he is most secure with... you take the lid off and pop everywhere.

you all need to work on coping strategies. pop over to sen chat and ask there.

HerFaceIsAMapOfTheWorld · 25/09/2016 20:04

Do you know if he is being bullied at all?

Original poster

Ineedhelp777 · 26/09/2016 07:59

Hi sorry for the late response.

DH is angry with me for calling the police. He says now social services will interviene and that our family life will never be the same again. He says that this will now never go away and that what I did was wrong. I feel really bad but DH has NEVER seen DS when he kicks off at me. He works a lot of hours in a highly stressful job and there have been times that I've not told him about because I don't want to upset him. Sometimes when DS kicks off and I try to call him he can't answer his phone to help. I had no choice yesterday, I didn't feel there was anyone or anywhere for me to go. I know what I did was bad, but DS is so strong and he's only 11 and he needs this sorting out now before he moves onto senior school.

DH thinks that social services will take him away. I told him they won't but he's adimant that I've now ruined his future and that all it's down to is a clash of personality.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ineedhelp777 · 26/09/2016 08:02

He's not being bullied. He's had no real trouble at school other than being a bit of a bigmouth at times. Most of the time he's ok, but I'm constantly at him for being horrible to his siblings. I know I'm failing him. He told me yesterday I was a hopeless parent and the reason he's like he is is because of me.

I took him to the GP recently to speak to them about his behaviour and they really weren't too concerned. I don't know what will happen now.

OP posts:

BewtySkoolDropowt · 26/09/2016 08:10

Tbh if things aren't the same again that's a good thing.

He's 11. How did your dh think you will cope when he's 15 and the size and strength of an adult?

You did the right thing. Hopefully the shock of the police will be enough to make him reconsider his behaviour, but if not at least you should get support to try access deal with it.

You did the right thing.

Natsku · 26/09/2016 08:11

Poor you, definitely NBU to call the police, my parents have had to do that on at least one of my brothers. Hope your son gets the help he needs, and your DH needs to realise it was the right thing to do.

Fairenuff · 26/09/2016 08:12

Maybe your ds is copying his father's bullying behaviour towards you. Your dh has no right to be angry with you and should, in fact, be supporting you and showing your ds that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Natsku · 26/09/2016 08:12

Just to add that I have a horrid vivid memory of one of my brothers throwing the piano stool at my mum, luckily it missed her but smashed into the wall and broke as it had been thrown so hard. Its really important to get help in place before they're strong enough to cause serious harm.

MrsJayy · 26/09/2016 08:18

Your husband is either not believing you or sticking his head in the sand whatever the reason you did the right thing your family need help you need to be safe from violence im so sorry this is happening to you

phillipp · 26/09/2016 08:21

You didn't do anything wrong or bad.

It sounds like your ds is modelling his dad. Not you.

If I was scared enough to call the police on one of our kids, my dh would trust 100% that I did so because I was scared.

Your dh isn't helping your sons future.

If your ds manages to to hold his temper whenever his dad is there, then it's not uncontrollable. He knows he gets away with it with you, because his dad lets him. You have shown you won't accept it.

You need outside help.

pandarific · 26/09/2016 08:24

He told me yesterday I was a hopeless parent and the reason he's like he is is because of me.

Oh, well that's convenient. How has he been disciplined in the past OP? How old are your other kids and how has he been when they were born? When did he start having these explosive tantrums?

ohtheholidays · 26/09/2016 08:51

You have done the right thing and your DH is very wrong!

SS will not take your son away!Removal of a child is for the childs sake not the parents and you have done nothing to warrant that,it's you that is in danger not your son!

Have you thought about fitting a camera in the room that you son is most likely to threaten you in?You can buy really small one's now online very cheaply,you can put it somewhere that your son and DH can't see it and then that way if/when you son does this again once he's in bed asleep you can show your DH just what it is that your having to face all the time.

You are not failing your son because you've reached out for help,failing your son would be denying anything was wrong and allowing it to carry on as if it was normal.

Your son is blaming you because he doesn't want to take responsibility for what he has done.

expatinscotland · 26/09/2016 08:55

YANBU. This will be me in a few years.

scallopsrgreat · 26/09/2016 09:20

"He told me yesterday I was a hopeless parent and the reason he's like he is is because of me." He's wrong (although he is unlikely to ever see it for himself). It is far more likely your DS is modelling his behaviour (as others have said).

YANBU and you've been pretty brave .

Nanny0gg · 26/09/2016 09:29

So his anger is also directed at his siblings? There's clearly a lot going on at home.

Seems to me your husband is actively not helping the situation or you.

SS involvement can only be a good thing now.

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 26/09/2016 10:07

You did the right thing 💐

I'm sorry your DH has reacted like this. It's not uncommon to react like this when the Police & SS become involved in your family life. It must be particularly difficult when you haven't seen the behaviour for yourself. Hopefully when he gets over the shock & calms down he'll apologise & be supportive. If he's not, then perhaphs you really need to think about your relationship & where DS might be getting his attitude from.

Do you have any reason to think there might be LD/SN issues or is he just an angry 11 year old lashing out at the only 'safe' person in his life? (And his smaller siblings 🙁).

He sad yesterday that it was your fault that he's like this. Kids lash out, they say things aimed to hurt/get a reaction/transfer blame, but it's something you need to discuss with him & see if you can get to the bottom of what he's thinking/feeling.

Something isn't right, it's just not always easy finding out what.

TitsTingle · 26/09/2016 10:27

My dd does this. We ended up with a mast worker over it and her advice is to ring the police every time she is violent.
hope you get it sorted OP.

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