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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unless you question it you won't get an answer?

23 replies

twocultures · 24/09/2016 10:30

Ok I don't want to sound like a crazy person but this irks me.
My DP is a lovely man and I love him very much but more and more I've begun noticing a big (for me anyway) issue in communication between us, it doesn't always happen but when it does it just makes me wonder what's going through his head to do that?
E.g. Yesterday evening he informed me he's going for a run this morning and then will come back and take DC for a little bit so I can have some time to do whatever I need to do.
All good until this morning when I asked him what route he's doing he told me he's meeting his football team 40mins away (we live in the middle of nowhere) and they're doing a 5K run as a part of training!

Don't get me wrong I don't mind him doing that but with what he said yesterday I assumed he was just going for a run as in "leave the house and run round the block" kind of thing and be back within the hour or so. The 5K will probably take 2-3hours after he's done the travelling and it's just frustrating because if I didn't ask him about it this morning he would've gone without telling me and I would've been wondering what happened to him as I would've been expecting him to be back ages ago.

This is not the first time something like this has happened by the way, sometimes when I've been asking him about something he's done unless you're EXTREMELY specific he'll dodge the question/not include XYZ in the answer. Again, I trust him and he's not really ever given me a reason not to trust him and he just gets cheeky/jokey about it later once I find out but it just winds me up, he's lovely in all other aspects but AIBU to expect better communication from his side?

I was a bit Hmm this morning when I found out where he was running and he got defensive and said he doesn't have to go if I don't want him to but I said it's not about that, I don't mind him going but I would have liked him to be more specific as naturally since he didn't say much else yesterday I assumed he was just going for a morning jog etc.

So just a general AIBU?

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 24/09/2016 10:35

I think he is trying to dodge you. was he always like that?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 24/09/2016 10:37

Tomorrow I suggest you say you are popping to the shop.

Then go on a shopping spree all day.

With his money.

MiniMum97 · 24/09/2016 10:38

Why would.a 5k run take 2-3 hrs. Shouldn't take more than 30 mins to run 5k?

DoreenLethal · 24/09/2016 10:38

he's going for a run this morning

Does not equal

he's meeting his football team 40mins away (we live in the middle of nowhere) and they're doing a 5K run as a part of training!

He is dodging you. Does he often only give you half the story? What is he hiding or is he just trying to wind you up?

DoreenLethal · 24/09/2016 10:39

Why would.a 5k run take 2-3 hrs

40 mins away. Plus the chatting and socialising after.

Original poster
twocultures · 24/09/2016 11:00

I don't think he's ever intentionally trying to wind me up, he does things like that with his parents/family too. He usually has a lot on his mind (high pressured job) but it just gets me.

He used to absolutely infuriate me when I used to come and watch him play he'd wake up, go for a shower then get out and announce right we need to go in 10 mins!!! It takes me a lot longer than 10 mins to get dressed/ready and leave the house with a baby!!!!!!
He's a bit better with it now but it just makes me question his pattern of thought...Confused

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 24/09/2016 11:35

if he is getting better it is good then.

Original poster
twocultures · 24/09/2016 11:47

Bluebell thats the one thing he got a little better at yes.

I was just wondering if it's just me being unreasonable or is he being weird/inconsiderate.

OP posts:
MiniMum97 · 24/09/2016 14:53

I think it might be a man thing and completely unintentional. My husband does things like this too i.e. Doesn't communicate stuff that I think is essential and obvious to communicate. It's just because he doesn't think to do it. Doesn't stop it being really annoying but I have to tell myself he can't help it. He tries to be better at communicating but had to REALLY think about it. He also does a long hour high pressure job and when he is stressed his communication goes out the window!

I think what I find most frustrating is the part-communication element of it. If he didn't communicate at all I would ask for the info I needed but as it is I think he has communicated what I need to know and then find out I only have half the story! Often when it's caused a problem that it's too late to do anything about.

PuntasticUsername · 24/09/2016 14:59

It's not a man thing, it's a being-poor-at-communicating-and-stroke-or-deliberately-taking-advantage thing.

Original poster
twocultures · 24/09/2016 15:25

Mini the part communication thing could be written by me!
Sometimes unless you ask very very specific questions about very particular things which lets face it you'll never think of them all! You won't find out until it's either v. last minute, too late or you're already there.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 24/09/2016 15:39

I think it might be a man thing

No. The 'man thing' part of men is called the 'penis'.

HTH.

OurBlanche · 24/09/2016 15:42

I too would suggest that you hand him a child and say you are just popping to the shop... then run away for a couple of hours.

Be as vague as possible for a while... see if he notices.

Mine was once crap at consistency and detail.. I was fairly evil, I cried at him telling him, sobbing, how I thought he had died, been crushed by a machine, fell off a tower, ran off the road at 2 in the morning.

He has never forgotten to charge his phone and contact me when he is away. As I explained, once calm, 30 seconds of his attention calms all fears and saves him getting handed his arse when he finally gets home.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/09/2016 15:42

I hate the 'it's a man' thing. It's not a man thing. Men manage to run businesses, countries and rule the bloody world. Of course they can communicate. Some of them choose not to.

SheldonsSpot · 24/09/2016 15:52

Presumably he doesn't get away with being so deliberately vague and obtuse with such shitty communication in his 'high pressured job'? Hmm

He's either deliberately dodging telling you stuff, or deliberately on the wind up, or there's a touch of the controlling 'keeping you on your toes'.

TheNaze73 · 24/09/2016 17:05

He's feeding you bollocks. 5k is a 25 minute run

Original poster
twocultures · 24/09/2016 17:44

TheNaze if you read the post again you can see I have included travel time of 40mins each way there's also walking up to the spot, warm up, the run, bit of team talk + socialising after so yes about 2-3hrs by the time you're done.

Have spoken to him about it and explained my PoV and he said he will include more details of things when he talks to me next time, he says he's just used to talking like this and doesn't really evaluate it + he's got a lot of his mind ATM (which he has and is going through a lot tbh) .
I'll probably just keep mentioning it/pulling him up on it if he does things like that again. It probably doesn't help that I have really low self esteem & I'm really insecure (long story) so I'm always questioning situations.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 24/09/2016 18:33

It probably doesn't help that I have really low self esteem & I'm really insecure (long story) so I'm always questioning situations.

Do you think you have low self esteem because your husband is treating you like his staff?

Original poster
twocultures · 24/09/2016 20:04

1st he's not my husband yet we are engaged.
2nd he's hardly treating me like his staff as he has just finished washing up after dinner that HE made, after taking DS for a few hrs earlier so I could have some time to myself and now he is upstairs putting DS to bed.
3rd my low self esteem/confidence issues stem from my childhood/growing up and have nothing to do with him, he encourages me to get out more and do more and try to socialise and have 'me' time so I don't loose my identity just being a mum.

Sorry for the list but I don't like people jumping to conclusions based on one thing.

OP posts:
PuntasticUsername · 24/09/2016 20:42

Whether deliberate or accidental, the vagueness isn't helping. The fact that he's going for a run in the morning isn't actually the main thing - the main thing is, what time will he be back? That's what you need to know so you can plan your day. So maybe if he'd said "I'm going for a run at nine" you could have replied "ok, so you'll be back by what, quarter to ten and then once you've showered and changed I'll be free to go out by myself?" and then he would have had to have said "actually, no, I'm going to be a bit longer than that..."?

imnotreally · 24/09/2016 20:51

Sounds like mind blindness. People with asd tend to do it (not implying your OH is ASD) so I'm used to dealing with it.

Basically he knows what's happening so he assumes you do too and doesn't see the need to tell you.

I know that sounds mad but I do it a lot. It takes a lot of thought to tell people the things they need to know.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 24/09/2016 20:59

I second what Pun has said. My DH can be like this and I've learnt to ask him specific questions.

Velvetdarkness · 24/09/2016 22:00

Doreen I love your response and will be stealing it. I get so frustrated by people excusing shit behaviour as "a man thing".

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