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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Planned Sleeping Arrangements

21 replies

Onlymeee82 · 23/09/2016 21:25

My DS mentioned last night that his DF and STBSM have told him that once they have a baby, if it is a boy, it will be sharing a room with DS. If it is a girl, it will share with ex's NR daughter. My DS is almost 12, his Dsis is 13. DS stays with ex 2/3 nights a week. His Dsis stays there about once a month. Assuming there is a new baby in about 2 years, when my DS is roughly 14, AIBU to think it's not fair to expect him to share with a baby the nights he is at his dad's? This won't be in the current house, as they are planning to move. I know it's a while off, but what are your thoughts please?

OP posts:

user1474627704 · 23/09/2016 21:31

They can't magic up extra rooms from nowhere and kids sharing rooms with siblings is hardly new.

Cary2012 · 23/09/2016 21:32

Lots of ifs and buts...I'd let it be and deal with it if and when it happens.

But yeah, assuming it happens as planned, a 14 year old sharing wouldn't be ideal. But at 14 your ds might not want to stay over as often anyway? My Ds stopped staying at his dad's around that age, just wanted to hang out with his mates nearer our home

DiegeticMuch · 23/09/2016 21:37

At 14, your son will be there less often than he is now, by choice. It's natural that he'll want to see his friends at weekends as he gets older.

Sharing a room isn't a problem imo. I hope he doesn't become an unpaid babysitter though (this happened to a few kids I know who became siblings as teenagers).

Original poster

Onlymeee82 · 23/09/2016 21:45

You're right, perhaps not. But I wouldn't like him to choose not to stay there because of the sleeping arrangement, iyswim. They live very near us, so still near his pals anyway, and only stays two weekend nights, the majority are week nights. But they could move further away.

I just think it doesn't give him any personal space and if the little one goes to bed early, etc. I know it's a while away, just seems they're not taking certain things into account.

And no, they can't magic extra bedrooms in their existing house, but they haven't got the new one yet. He already shares with his DSis, so I've never had a problem with it, but they're older now and deserve their own space if possible .

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 23/09/2016 21:48

What would you rather they did?

museumum · 23/09/2016 21:50

The baby may well be in with the parents until it's more of a toddler.
So long as it sleeps through the night sharing with it isn't going to affect your ds much is it?

Bubbinsmakesthree · 23/09/2016 21:51

So I'm assuming this a 3 bed house - teenage daughter stages once a month, teenage son stays 2-3 nights a week, both have their own bedrooms. Is that right?

It is very hard indeed on a teenager to expect them to share a room with an infant or young child, who will be asleep in the early evening preventing the teenager from doing homework or hanging out on their own and having some personal space. And probably being woken up at stupid o clock in the morning, possibly during the night as well.

If the son is spending upwards of a third of his time at his DFs house it is really unfair to expect him to share the room.

dowhatnow · 23/09/2016 21:55

Baby should have the once a month room and they should move it out when she stays that one night a month.

dowhatnow · 23/09/2016 21:56

The baby should have the room of the child who stays one night a month. They should move the baby out for the night when she is there for that one night.

dowhatnow · 23/09/2016 21:57

Oops though I'd lost the post.

Maryann1975 · 23/09/2016 22:13

Does your son stay over on the same night as his sister? If not, they should share a room and the baby gets their own room. Each child gets a box/wardrobe/ chest of drawers/whatever to keep their stuff in and each one respects that it is a shared room.

Obviously my plan doesn't work so well if they are there on the same night though.

Original poster

Onlymeee82 · 23/09/2016 22:18

She usually stays on a night that he is there, and if she stays a couple of watt nights at holidays, it's usually when he is there. I did think the baby should share with her and move on with my son for the one night his sister is there. Ideally, they would get a 4 bed, but I guess they perhaps think he'll not need a 4th in 4/5 years when the DD is Kate teens.

OP posts:

Original poster

Onlymeee82 · 23/09/2016 22:19

Sorry for the typos

OP posts:

nokidshere · 23/09/2016 22:21

Assuming there is a baby in 2 years?..... Really?

Why would you even be worrying about this? Who knows if there will be a pregnancy? If they will still be together? Or any one of a million other things that could happen between now and then

YABU to be looking for a solution to a problem that hasn't, and might never, happen

Original poster

Onlymeee82 · 23/09/2016 22:28

I get that, but my DS is already considering it as they are getting married soon, and he is alluding to the fact that he isn't happy about it, and as I say, I don't want it to get to the point where he refuses to stay there, or resents them even having a baby, but it's not my place to tell them how to manage it.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 23/09/2016 22:36

Ideally, they would get a 4 bed

Maybe that's out of their price range?

Bubbinsmakesthree · 24/09/2016 04:56

i'd have thought the better solution would be for DS and DSis to share a room when they're both there at the same time. Obviously would be horrible as a permanent arrangement as they need privacy, but for 1 night a month or so they could suck it up. Better than DS spending 10 nights a month sharing with a young child.

For those saying why worry about it now - it's not OP's fault her ex and STBSM have raised the issue and worried her DS. Obviously she can't dictate the arrangement but she can make it clear to her Ex that DS is upset. It's not so much about the proposed sleeping arrangements being impractical (which they are) but about DS and DSis being given the message that they're about to become less important.

MidniteScribbler · 24/09/2016 05:39

but it's not my place to tell them how to manage it.

No, it's not. As long as your child has a safe place to sleep in their own bed, then the room arrangements are nothing to do with you. Children often share with their siblings throughout their lives.

What you can do is manage your own child's expectations. That may mean suggesting he speaks to his father and proposing other solutions, or just telling him to get over it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/09/2016 05:52

This woman is incredibly insensitive. What was she thinking? If she doesn't have kids herself, she has no concept of the big ask for a teen to share a room with a screaming baby - especially if there is homework wanting to chill out/watch tv etc. They're hardly children!

One to tackle when the time comes. And yes, I agree, baby and ds should have their own room as there most often. Either baby moves in with parents when dsis comes or the two teens share.

CozyAutumn · 24/09/2016 06:46

I don't think it matters what gender the baby will be, but I think the baby should share with the girl because she isn't there that much whereas the boy is there almost half of the week. I don't think the baby should have to sleep in the parents' room though when she stays though- it's not fair to turf him/her out and it sends out a bad message imo. Lots of siblings have to share and families have make do with the space they have.

Ditsy4 · 24/09/2016 07:09

"Once they have a baby." Does this mean they are discussing it and she isn't even pregnant yet.
Oh my goodness I can't believe how much people over think things on here. They are discussing it with him ( over thinking) and now you are worrying about sleeping arrangements of a child that doesn't even exist yet. Cross the bridge when you come to it. They might not even get pregnant. Don't spend your precious time on this. So many things can change between now and then.

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