Friend forgot about birthday treat

[Groaningmyrtle]

It was my birthday today and a few weeks ago my friend texted to say she wanted to take me out for my birthday. I said all good as my dh away on business so it would be lovely to meet up.

Since then... nothing.

I know I could have contacted her to remind her but if you invite someone out, surely it's up to you to remember that and follow up with suggested location etc? I know she's busy but I wonder if things have picked up in her life - new job etc - and I'm no longer so needed. I know I take things like this badly because I was always the left out one in family, let down by friends in past, so am interested in what you would have done, or do going forward.

Happy Birthday

She might have forgotten, or probably has arranged something forms different day. In would expect my friends tonsoend the actual day with DP/immediate family, so would have sorted something for another day. But would have planned itnwoth you, not left you in the dark like your friend!

Happy Birthday!!
I'd have phoned/texted in the middle of last week to make plans! She probably thought you'd arranged something else! Bad communication on both sides. I'm rubbish at remembering B'days. Yes, it probably went out of her mind! Is she usually absent minded?

Oh don't worry, forget about it, and plan something yourself. Happy birthday

Happy Birthday

I definitely would have contacted her to make plans.

I would have taken it as it was meant - with good feeling, and a relaxed attitude as to when/if it actually happened! Idk, plans are flexible, but I'm pretty flaky so wouldn't even notice if someone suggested a nice guy out that didn't materialise

Thank you! That's why I love mumsnet. It just gives me some perspective, when mine flies out the window.

Yep, I'll arrange a treat for myself this week and contact her soon.

Nice night out!

Could she have felt that you only agreed as it was convenient to you with your husband being away? I would just text and say, When is good for us to have our meet-up? I'm happy to go halves by the way (if money is a possible issue) xxx or smiley face

Dead good is that a Freudian slip? A nice guy out

Happy Birthday Myrtle ! Have a wonderful week, month and year ahead!

If she's anything like me she'll remember in a few days/weeks and be mortified. I do stupid things like that and it doesn't mean I don't value the other person or can't be bothered or anything. I'm just not very organised with things like that and the kore I try to put foolproof mechanisms in place the more things seem to go wrong. Hope you have a lovely day anyway and Happy Birthsay

YABU not to have called her by early / the middle of this week to say you were just checking what the plans were, or checking if you were still on for meeting up, or whatever, if you wanted to go out with her.

I think a lot of people on MN seem to have very different relationships with their friends than I do. In my life, we talk to our friends, and we don't count 'who invites who' or 'if it's my turn to call', we just get on with life, and there are some friends who need 'organising' a bit and there are some friends who are more the 'organisers' but you know, it just doesn't matter if you want to spend time with each other, just get on and do it.

Thanks Cool Carrie. Mistylake I'm sure you're right. Organisation isn't my strong point either.

Back for good. I wish I was more like you and your friends, I try hard to be more relaxed. I've just had a bit of a stately home upbringing, so feel a bit more insecure than average people. That's why I asked if I was being unreasonable. Hearing that I probably am, makes it easier to contact her, so I'm not thinking so much, I'm not wanted, as more, sometimes people need to be reminded.

I would just have phoned and said "Hey, we were planning to go out"

Happy Birthday!

If she's a good friend, it's likely she has completely and utterly forgotten, which is no reflection on you, I have very occasionally forgotten the most definite diary dates including parties and play dates.

The other explanation is that she didn't necessarily mean your actual birthday necessarily, she could have meant "take you out for your birthday" either side of your actual birthday date.

Backforgood if you read the OP, it sounds like she has some esteem issues with being let down in the past. In her shoes, I would feel that if I called the person to nudge them into doing something, a) it would be embarrassing, b) you start to think maybe you're not that important to your friends and internalise that, e.g. maybe I'm not as fun, maybe they have better things to do etc. I don't think she was being unreasonable by not calling if it was because she felt awkward rather than was being awkward. IYSWIM.

OP I would give yourself a little treat, and maybe text your friend in the week if you still haven't heard from her - don't mention the birthday, just ask if she'd like to get together to do something. If she mentions the birthday you have a choice of being upfront i.e. "I did think it was strange we didn't arrange anything, but I put it down to you being a bit busy at the moment". Or you could brush over it and say "Oh I thought you just meant around the time of my birthday, not the actual day". Depends on if you feel you want to "save face" or not. I can't bear pity personally so if I had a friend in that situation who was well-meaning but said something like "OH NOOO! I totally FORGOT your birthday! Were you waiting for me to ring you? Bet you think I'm a total cow! Did you manage to sort out anything to do on your birthday instead?" etc. that would make me want to save face...

Groaning I had a stately home upbringing too, so I am used to never knowing if and when I should be right to expect something better from people. When you are brought up feeling inferior, or was made to put the needs or wishes of others ahead of your own, it's hard to know where or how to draw the line and/or stand up for yourself.

When I was pregnant a good friend of mine told me about all the gifts she'd got me (flower for bathing baby in sink, clothes etc). Baby is now 15 months old and not had so much as a card. I'd assume she just never got round to buying anything and that'd be fine, but mutual friends said they'd seen it all in her bedroom! Weird! I now feel a bit awkward round her.
I'd say bring it up in a jokey way, laugh about it, just to avoid awkwardness on either part.

Alternatively, do you think that she's feeling hurt because you haven't contacted her to make arrangements? She might be thinking that she suggested something nice and you haven't bothered to get back in touch with her...

Not saying this is remotely the case by the way - just that sometimes it's easy to assume one thing and they're assuming something else and the reality gets lost in the middle. Eg - If she sent a text that never got through (I've had missing texts or ones that turned up days late so it's a possibility) she's thinking that she has contacted you. You don't get it so you don't think she has contacted you. You both 'know' that you're in the right and that you're waiting on the other one... Except that you're not...

Daisy garden thanks for articulating it, you've completely summed it up. It's the thinking people might not really want to see you after all/would prefer to be with other people instead and the cringe factor of confronting it. On less paranoid days I would have just rung her but feeling a bit vulnerable atm, which throws me back into old, unhealthy patterns of behaviour. And I would deffo do the saving face thing....
I'm sorry you had the stately home experience. It's difficult to completely throw it off. Btw you seem lovely and v empathetic.

Abernathy that sounds really, really weird. Is she a bit jealous of you? Yes, the lighthearted approach seems best.