Or is my partner?

[Frazzledstar1]

I had my second baby 9 months ago, and DP was pretty useless with our first and I had to do the majority of patenting. If it's even possible he's been even less helpful this time! DC1 is 3 and a half and very much a handful going through a refusal to go to bed stage. DC 2 is still not sleeping through the night, and has taken to waking twice for feeds at the moment. I'm back at work now so I'm absolutely knackered. I put DC2 to bed at 7ish, put DC1 to bed at 8ish although sometimes lately it takes until 9pm to stop the arguments and resistance to sleep. Then I do both the night feeds, get up with kids 6am, get us all ready, drop kids to preschool/nans house then go to work. DP gets up, has breakfast, goes to gym, goes to work, comes home and plays computer/ watches tv. I asked if he could just help me out with a night feed here and there because it's getting too much and he said no he doesn't want to! I was completely outraged at his attitude. It's been a week and we are still not really speaking because I know that he will expect me to just get over it But I don't think I should have to! Would anyone else just let it go?

Why did you have a second child with him?

I'm not really sure why you went on to have a second with someone who was so patently useless with the first child- so for that I think YABU to have expected anything different. However I suspect you probably already are annoyed at yourself for this!

However in the main YA clearly NBU as you seem to be parenting alone while his life remains unchanged. To be honest, you'd be better off (wrt the kids) if you were to leave him as at least you'd get some time off from the nights during his visitation period!

Assuming you don't want to leave him I think you need to ask him why his time is more valuable than yours, why his sleep is more important and also ask him when he expects to step up and take any practical input into his children's upbringing.

I'm sorry I just would not stand for that at all!

That's unhelpful TaterTots!

OP, tell him it doesn't matter if he doesn't want to, he has a responsibility to you and the children. Plus don't ask him for help, say something along the lines of 'right, I'll do this, you do this'. I hate the whole idea of having to tell a man how to take care of his kids but sometimes guidance is necessary.

You are being unreasonable.... by not leaving the bastard.

Seriously though - no of course you aren't being unreasonable. They are his kids too and he needs to step up. You need to not present it as a choice though - the time for choice in this matter was over the moment he didn't wear a condom. He's not "doing you a favour" and it's not optional. It's part of being a parent.

Unless the baby is breastfed I'd book yourself a couple of nights at a hotel or with a friend then just tell your DH you are going as you waltz out the door with an overnight bag.

I'll never understand why women procreate more than once with people who have proven themselves total twats. Of course he's being unreasonable, but hey, you allow it rather than having shown him the door the first time round.

I wouldn't let it go. I would invent a mystery illness that prevented you from doing anything and everything. Literally make it so he has to do everything for a couple of days. He won't be able to accuse you of being petty if you are "ill". He will soon see just how much you do and how unreasonable he's being. I really would do that.

He is. But you know that. What were you thinking having a second child with this lazy, selfish man?

I know it's too late now but I read so many threads on Mumsnet like this ............... useless DH - doesn't help with first baby - and then you have another .

Was he like this with your first? Did he want the second child?

What would happen if you just went out for the day - why not try it?

My best friend is in a similar situation. They only have one child, but she wants another one with him and I really don't understand why! I know it's not really any of our business, but I would love to know why you had another kid with him when you know he's useles.

You should put your foot down and insist that he helps you, and remind him that he has a duty as a parent to, well, parent!

And please do not have anymore kids with him!

44PumpLane

To be honest, you'd be better off (wrt the kids) if you were to leave him as at least you'd get some time off from the nights during his visitation period!

Well maybe. I can't remember the last time ex had our dc over night. Thankfully at 12 and 9 they pretty much go to bed without a fight. And I can leave them and run to the shop.

op yanbu but I don't have any words of wisdom. I'd say just leave the dc with him one evening and go for a walk. But I'd be worried they'd get too upset without me if they aren't used to being left with him.

Insist that he fucks off and raise your children as the single mother you are, but without this lazy prick teaching them that you are worthless.

Stop doing mornings. Tell him you are going to the gym before DC wake then straight to work. From now on he is doing the mornings.

Why haven't you done that already?

I would seriously wonder why you are even with such a waste of space. You are effectively a single parent.

Who goes to the supermarket, makes dinner, does laundry etc? If it's you, I suggest you stop. Tell him you don't want to do those things. There are lots of jobs that need doing. You need to divy them up.

Why have a second with a useless partner? Not unexpected that you are doing it all.

Did you not have any conversations when planning the second?

Maybe he didn't want anymore but went along with it as you did.

Mini - it's a perfectly reasonable question that many others have also asked. The answer could enable me and others to be helpful. For example, if the OP's partner pushed for a second child and swore blind he would be more helpful this time, he needs reminding sharpish. If on the other hand OP just stopped taking the pill and hoped for the best this time around, she needs to look at her own behaviour too.

Maybe don't be so quick to jump down someone's throat next time.

Tell you what I would do, remove his computer games and the computer, whatever you need to do until he realises you need help. If he wants to act like a spoilt brat/man child then treat him like one. Then I'd refuse to do make his meals, do his washing etc etc until he helped. Don't be so soft!

Hi - I am the OP, changed my username just waiting for mn to update the thread.

Just want to clarify that DP absolutely wanted a second child, in fact he wanted to try for another a lot sooner than I did! Once DC1 turned 1 he was much better at looking after him and I didn't mind doing all the night feeds when i was on mat leave. I felt that a second would be OK as he would be able to take control of DC1 while I concentrated on baby. In hindsight I should have known it wouldn't go that way.

He does get up with them on a sat morning so I can have a lie in and do the food shopping. But if he's too tired or in a mood with me then he won't, which I also think is unfair because if I'm too tired or in a mood with him the other 6 days a week I don't have a choice but to do it!

He is pretty good with chores etc but I'm so fried from lack of sleep and working that all I want is a good nights sleep and I don't think just one night is too much to ask?!

also want to add that I'm living in his house so leaving him would entail moving myself and the 2 kids out and to stay at my mums so I really don't want to have to do that unless I really have to.

I think if he was keen on a second child it's absolutely fair to remind him of that and ask for more help.

Why don't you write everything down like a list & write names bedside who does what - sometimes men need to see things in black & white to realise