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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you know he's the one?

28 replies

OrangeTerrine · 17/08/2016 11:49

Just that really. I'm an anxious over thinker who struggles with commitment (financial/emotional/anything!)

Guilty of thinking grass is greener but now thinking seriously about future and asking myself how comfortable I feel committing (marriage) to long term partner.

Curious to know from other experience how you knew DP was the 'one'

OP posts:

8angle · 17/08/2016 15:35

Do you love them?
Are they the person you want to spend time with rather than do by default?
do you trust them?
are you excited to see them?
do they make you laugh?
do they make you want to be a better person or at least the best you can be?
Are you a team? - are they the person you turn to when you have a problem / need help?
do they respect you? do you respect them?

these are all important things but it's really difficult to be formulaic about it - eventually you have to take a bit of a leap of faith...

FinallyHere · 17/08/2016 15:50

If life better when they are around than when they are not?

When they are not around, do you find yourself wanting to share things with them?

Do you tell each other the truth, rather than pretty lies?

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 17/08/2016 16:09

Because he feels like home (I suffer from home sickness even when at home) and because I don't mind farting in front of him

CharminglyGawky · 17/08/2016 16:23

Because I didn't mind him seeing the sides to me that I keep private from everybody else. Because I am someone who struggles in social situations and needs time to myself, but I don't need a break from him. Because he is my best friend.

myownprivateidaho · 17/08/2016 16:46

I agree that it's impossible to be formulaic about it. But for me part of it is knowing that the grass is not greener on the other side, because my DP is the best partner I can imagine.

PaperdollCartoon · 17/08/2016 16:52

I like him better than pretty much everyone else! I am my most real self with him.
I completely trust him, he's reliable and kind.
We have very similar values and dreams for the future.
He's the most annoying person I've ever met (dad jokes extraordinar!) and I still want to be around him all the time.
I know I could live without him, but I don't want to. I can't imagine a better partner for me.

Plus he's gorgeous!

Tryingtostayyoung · 17/08/2016 17:14

I knew because I don't just love his good bits but also love him despite the bad parts. I couldn't dream of spending my life without him, it would be no fun. He's my sidekick, best friend and my husband. We cry together, laugh together and shout together but it never changes the love I have for the man.

FurkinA · 17/08/2016 17:16

♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♭ ♮ It's in his kiss!♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♭ ♮

No, not really.

Leviticus · 17/08/2016 20:44

I don't think there is 'one'.

Is he kind?

Do you generally share the same values?

Do you agree on the issues of children and money?

Original poster

OrangeTerrine · 17/08/2016 20:59

Interesting answers - thanks!

We generally do share the same values, we respect eachother, trust eachother and support eachother. All good things. Day to day I have nothing to complain about.

In saying that, there are some things that concern me...

Sometimes he can lose his temper - esp about work and only very rarely with me but still, I worry if we had children he would lose his temper with them - even though he says he would never do that

He's quiet and I'm a bit more outgoing. Usually we rub along together fine but occasionally I'll encounter a situation where I wish he was more outgoing

He's not as affectionate as me - fine when we are alone but not when in company and I'd like if he was a bit more tactile and romantic

Annoying habits like sometimes swearing too much and eating too fast.

So many good points but also these other things that concern me. But as an over thinker it was always going to be a tough ask for me to choose a life partner!

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 17/08/2016 21:03

When you go out/have people round, and you're happy to see them bugger off at the end of the night so the two of you can be alone.

headinhands · 17/08/2016 21:08

The overriding memory I have of the first dates with DH is how comfortable he made me feel. I felt very soothed just in his presence. I still do so reckon feeling totally relaxed is important. Also the 'physical' aspect of our relationship felt equally natural.

Ivydalegirl · 17/08/2016 21:14

Oh dear I am answering no to so many of these 'is he the one ' questions. That's not good because I left my husband and family for my partner. Serves me right.

PaperdollCartoon · 17/08/2016 21:32

headinhands agree. I instantly just wanted to be around DP, even before I really knew much about him. He always made me feel very relaxed.

ivydalegirl you could only have done what felt right at the time.

orangeterrine the temper might be something to worry about, but everyone loses their temper sometimes. DP is quieter than be too but over time I've found we've become more like each other, I'm happier stepping back and he's more likely to come forward. I'm also probably a bit more affectionate than him in public, but I think my need for him to be so is more able needing validation (because other men were shit) than any real difference, again it's become less of an issue over the years. Plus as I said before, he's possibly the most annoying person ever, but all his other good traits outweigh his bad jokes. I'm sure I annoy him plenty back.
Ultimately no one is perfect, there is no perfect man, there will always be 'something', especially if you go looking for it. But you can also look for the good in someone and look at the whole picture and decide from that. I've had some bad relationships in the past and difficulties with men, really being with DP was very easy, and that was refreshing, but that doesn't mean it's always easy and troubled free. All relationships take some work, but you do have to put yourself out there and put both feet in.

acquiescence · 17/08/2016 22:17

My feeling on it is that you just know, there is no uncertainty. So if you have to ask and weigh up pros and cons then maybe he isn't. I'm aware this probably isn't an opinion shared by everyone. I suppose I am talking about the romantic idea of 'the one' which you seem to be doing OP - in reality a lot of people 'end up' with someone or think of it partly as a mutually beneficial arrangement, which is what marriage/partnership would have been in the past and still is in many cultures.

I was living with my long term boyfriend (with plans for marriage, children etc) when I met my husband, I knew he was the one just through the connection we had and hay feeling of being the one!

19lottie82 · 17/08/2016 22:22

When you see yourself in the future, old and grey, is he with you?

WhooooAmI24601 · 17/08/2016 22:29

I knew DH was the one when he asked me to marry him. I hadn't given it much though til then; we'd moved in together and were just pottering along, and when he asked I knew I wanted to marry him.

I don't believe in 'the one' at all. You find someone wonderful, say your vows and hope for the best and if you're very lucky your hard-work pays off and you survive children, marriage, loss, all of that, and reach old-age together. DH isn't my soul mate or any of that. He's just the kindest man I know, and the one I want to try and grow old with.

Willberry · 17/08/2016 23:05

Can you imagine your future without him? Do you want to? Nonone is perfect and no relationship is perfect, do you love him enough to live with his imperfections for the rest of your life?

DH is my best friend, sure theres times when he winds me up or is a grumpy git who is stressful to be arround, he suffers from a condition which means at times he needs round the clock care and support. We've been to hell and back together more than once, but we've got through it together. Nearly loosing him to serious illness helped to focus us both on the things that really mattered too, on our wedding day I don't think either of us had a single doubt, we just knew it was the right thing to do.

I think if you have any doubts then now isn't the right time, even if he may be the right person. There were times in the first few years of our relationship that I wouldn't have felt ready to marry DH we'd been together 2 years when we got engaged and 7 years when we actually got married!

Crispbutty · 17/08/2016 23:09

He's my best friend. I never have to be anyone but my real self with him. We trust each other completely. I can't imagine him not being in my life. We have been through some very very stressful times and we git through it without any arguments. We know each other's faults and can take the piss out of each other. It took me 45 years to meet him though lol!!

Mittensonastring · 18/08/2016 01:53

How often does he lose his temper and what sort of temper losing? Is it a shit and bollocks general rant that's short or chucking stuff about making threats kind of one. Has he ever hit anyone?

DementedUnicorn · 18/08/2016 02:27

For so many reasons- even just because each of the posts above beautifully articulate exactly how I do feel about her even now.

Sazbird · 18/08/2016 02:37

I find films added to my Netflix/amazon watchlist because he knows I lust after appreciate the acting skills of an actor in them.

And is happy to continue to be a Sahd as he knows I would lose my sanity if I didn't work.

DisneyMillie · 18/08/2016 07:00

You just know. He's not perfect (no one is) and he irritates be beyond belief sometimes 😄 but the thought of not being with my DP makes me feel almost sick inside. I'm so comfortable with him and I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else.

I married before when I had reservations / questions on if he was the one - it didn't work out.

CeeCeeEnnEss · 18/08/2016 07:04

I can be my true self with him, but he also brings out the best in me.

He's the person I want to see when I wake up. I love all of him, I couldn't bear to be without him.

Windthebloodybobbinup · 18/08/2016 07:26

I don't believe in 'the one'- the idea itself creates anxiety as it implies that there is a special magical 'one' who you are meant to be with. It also sets you up for underestimating the work involved in keeping your relationship healthy- as if with 'the one' you will magically get on all the time. Personally, the questions I would ask myself are- does this person support me and make me feel loved? Are we a team? Can we have a laugh? ( surprisingly important 15 years on!) Do we have similar values?

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