Why won't anybody listen to me?!

[LivinOnAChair]

Currently weaning DS after waiting til the advised six months and everyone around me suddenly thinks it's a free for all!!
I'm trying to do as much home cooked, healthy food as possible and doing a mixture of BLW and purées, all fruit, veg etc but people (my DM and MIL in particular) just give him whatever they like when they see him
For example, after having many a discussion about why I was waiting until 6 months and not 3 and what he would be eating when we did start I allowed MIL to have DS 'to herself' (whole other issue) for a couple of hours and when I went to pick him up she said 'well I wasn't going to tell you but I gave him jam this morning and he loved it, perhaps he might like it for breakfast on toast, just an idea'...fucking JAM!
Is it just me?! I know I might be bring a bit precious and grandmas want to spoil their DC's but I feel like all my hard work is being undone, help!

No good asking me, by six months mine were eating tortillas, salsa and garlic mushrooms!

You'll have to be tougher.

Tell them both they won't be having your ds if you feel unable to trust them to do as you want regarding his health and nutrition, and mean it!

For what it's worth I weaned all of mine at 4 months but those were the guidelines back then.

What the hell Is wrong with Jam?

I don't know what kind of jam she gave him but when I make it the ingredients are fruit, sugar and a dash of lemon juice - so nothing that would harm him. And a smear of jam on toast would be fine, I can't see that 'undoing all your hard work'

I was pretty easy going when mine were young but I'd be furious at that. I would have to say that unless they were prepared to give the baby what he needed, not what they wanted, they wouldn't have him at meal times.

Jam is very sweet - I can understand the OP doesn't want her baby to develop a sweet tooth.

Yabu. She probably didn't spoon feed him jam from the jar, she put a little bit on some bread. No big deal, at all, he'll definitely survive that! He has a great diet 99.9% of the time. If you can't bear him having a bit of jam the other 0.1% of the time, then you have to supervise him 100% of the time and not allow MIL or anyone else to look after him without you, because they will feed him however they see fit. You can't have it both ways, you have decide what's most important to you, either complete control over his eating OR allowing him to spend time out of your sight.

Jam perhaps has more sugar than you are comfortable with. However, you will look back and realise you are being overly precious. Then you can laugh and start a thread about all the things you said you'd never do but did...

I feel like all my hard work is being undone,

His health and well being won't be ruined for ever by one little taste of jam!

I agree that if someone who is providing regular child care ignores your requests that would be annoying. But for an occasional treat from grandma it isn't the end of the world.

Another one here who weaned at 4 months because that was the advice back then

i started weaning at 4 months and they all survived on jars and packets, strapping tall dcs now jam ? nope, never, but i admire you doing the purees etc, i started out with good intentions with dc1 but then thought, can't be bothered with the flaff, they didn't like it and it was so time consuming, they ate fruit and diced veg from young age but that was it.
do what works for you and don't get too hung up on it, mil was a pita and out of order though, most dc will love sweet stuff ffs, silly cow. woman up and tell her no more, my way or nothing, she'll probably sulk but hey, your dc, your choice.

I know how you feel I was like that with my first. Made everything from scratch organic etc she didn't have much sugar except fruit or through potato and pasta. Now well she's tiny slim and tall but loves sugar waaay too much and I worry it's because I restricted certain foods.

hate to ask so please don't take this the wrong way is ds your first child ? mums are more...um...particular with the unknown [hard hat on]

Yanbu. Sure it's only jam this time. But next time what will it be? No more alone time with granny until she can accept your boundaries. Very underhanded and unnecessary. If she not able to manage a reasonable discussion on childcare then she can just jog on.
My mother was all for putting rusks in my pfb bottle of milk to help him sleep. Maybe a bit of Whiskey too. It doesnt end. (exclusively bf luckily).

Jam is a gateway drug. It'll be donuts next. Won't somebody please think of the children?!

Of course 2yo now only wants jam on toast and non of my nutritious home cooking. Thanks mother for introducing that!

Regardless of whether or not jam is acceptable, it is unacceptable for any family member to go against your wishes when babysitting and feeding your child. You need to be firm. If you can't take instructions on diet then you don't get to babysit. End of story.

Ease off and let it go. It's no point getting stressy about jam.

When I started weaning my DD at six months she wouldn't take purees and had everything as finger foods so had lots of cut up fruit and veg.

I was very worried about getting her the best start with food so I understand your concern about providing a healthy diet and how much of a priority it feels. The idea of giving her anything too sweet didn't seem right. My DM kept telling me a bit of this or that won't harm her and you know what, she was right really.

She's had the occasional lick of an ice cream, tiny piece or chocolate and a bit of a cupcake at a friend's party and still happily eats all the veg, fruit and healthy options I give her without any signs of preferring sweet things. I found by letting go a little I have been much more relaxed with approaching meal times and have less worries as I know it is very rare she has something 'unhealthy'.

You may not feel the same but as time goes you might. You sound like you are doing a great job with your DS's nutrition so far. Other posters are right, people you leave your child with will tend to do things their own way but I guess you just have to decide what are the important battles to you

I get what you are saying completely and totally understand why you are annoyed at this as your approach to weaning was my approach, it IS so frustrating and becomes a trust issue in principle.

That said, although I did not give up on my approach and strongly asserted my wishes on the "feeders" in my family, I did relax slightly as long as they adhered to core rules. These were the ones that were the most important to me, so things like NO juice, water or milk only, small amount of chocolate, no sweeties, food that I had made and sent for meals etc.

Looking back, I am very happy that I gave him a good nutritional start...but I've just watched him, aged 13 shove a pizza, 2 packs of crisps & a snickers bar into his trap for lunch...then wander off chomping on an Apple.

Baby number 2, not so strict but I do still maintain some core rules.
It all turns out ok in the end and the jam is I suppose just adding another flavour to his eating experience, expanding his pallet.

If you make a big deal about it, your DM and MIL will just feed him the things you don't want him to be fed, but not tell you about it in future. Either don't let him go with them until he's older or relax a little bit, one bit of jam is not going to undo all your other work.

I think you may be being a bit precious (although to be fair, I suspect I would once have felt the same). Either way, your MIL shouldn't be going against your wishes

You're going to get lots of accusations of BU and PFB on this thread OP, so buckle up.

And you are being a little bit PFB and U but only a little.

DD1 was weaned on organic veg steamed on a cooker and then mushed up - not plastic, no microwaving, no jars or pouches, nothing. DD2 was weaned almost entirely on Ella's Kitchen and banana as we were in the middle of building works.

They're both fine and your boy will be too.

My helpful DM rolled her eyes at both. DMIL thinks I'm bossy and ridiculous but is a little bit scared of me I think so followed the rules.

Jam won't kill him - and it's not undoing your good work. However not being listened to is not acceptable. That's your problem. Not the jam.

I definitely wouldn't freak out over jam, but I get so fucking angry at my DM for not listening to me and constantly overriding me and doing what she wants anyway.

I tell her not to give DD juice, she gives her juice.
I tell her not to put DD in front of the TV when she's eating, she does it anyway.

It's annoying as fuck, and it makes me irrationally angry, but as she only sees her once or twice a week it doesn't undo any hard work, they just realise they can be spoiled little shits at their grandmas/nanas house!

A bit of jam won't harm him OP. The way to do it is to allow his Gran SOME freedom. He's not there all the time. Your DS will soon work out that he gets things from Gran he won't at home.

My MIL put sugar on top of my DDs cereal when she was about 7 months and DH and I were horrified.

12 years later and I laugh. It won't make a blind bit of difference.

YANBU. We started DD off on veg purees, introduced non-sweetened cereal next, then started mixing in fruit.

She is 18 mos and has only savoury foods + fruit + water + milk. Maybe once a week she has a corner of my toast with jam on it or part of a biscuit. On birthdays and holidays, a small piece of cake.

We have a serious obesity problem in this country because we eat way too much sugar. Yeah okay banning it completely will lead to problems, but severely limiting it? Crack on.