To only buy one gift?

[Smurfit]

I have a good friend who recently got engaged. I have been invited to the engagement party but am unsure about the status of a wedding invitation. At this stage, she has already said she had to be cut throat on the wedding guest list to keep costs down (which I fully support, they're bloody expensive!) so I don't want to assume.

WIBU to only buy a gift for the engagement party and for it to cover both events? It's going to cost a fair bit in flights and accommodation to attend either/both and she's aware I'm a bit skint at the moment.

Usually I don't buy engagement gifts but because I'm not sure about the wedding, in thinking I should make an exception (ie buy the wedding gift early)?

You have to fly in for the engagement party and then possibly fly in for the wedding?

If anyone was having to travel that far for an event of mine I wouldn't expect a present.

And, to be honest, I wouldn't fly in for an engagement party. Are you going to that because you don't know wether you are invited to the wedding?

Stick a shiny bow on your forehead. You are the gift if you have to fly in for an engagement party

Yanbu! I think that's really sensible. Maybe a token gift on the day like something homemade and just explain why. I'm sure she'll understand.

If she is a good friend, I would ask. Make it clear that you aren't fishing for an invitation, simply trying to budget for the next year.

So you're not sure if you're invited to the wedding? I'm shameless so I'd probably ask! Tbh if I was skint and had to fly I'd just ask if I was invited to the wedding and if I was I'd be tempted to skip the engagement party altogether!

Yes I'm going because I'm unsure about the wedding and yes I would need to fly to both (the wedding may be in a closer part of the country but flying is still better than an 8 her drive each way). She's a good friend and would do the same for me.

We live at opposite ends of the country and logistically, I live in an area which makes it difficult to get anywhere else.

I like the idea of a small (token) present on the wedding day if I'm invited, I'm not sure I can bring myself to turn up with just myself. I'm 100% sure she'd understand though.

Tbh, I would probably go to both for this particular friend, as well as flying in for the hens night. I don't have many friends so the real ones I do have are pretty special too me.

But as per previous post, the wedding is likely to be much closer to me anyway.

Just ask her if you're invited to wedding, be nice about it and honest, if she's a friend she'll be honest and say yay or nay.

Tbh, I don't want to put her in the awkward position of telling me I'm not invited (despite the fact I fully support and encouraged her to do what she could afford)

I am ridiculous and need to suck it up and ask.

I already told her I'd go. Which was a bit silly of me, I really should think things through before I say them!

No, you aren't ridiculous. I get why you don't want to ask, in case she feels pressured to do more than she can afford. I would be exactly the same with my lovely friends.

I think engagement presents are daft, except for things like a bottle of bubbly or some other token of a celebration. I'd hold off from buying a pressie, and then even if you don't get invited to the wedding then still buy her a pressie when she gets married. Hopefully you'll be able to make it clear you understand why you weren't invited and that's fine, but wanted to mark the occasion with a gift.

If it were me I would just take a bottle of fizz for the engagement party. Even something lower cost like a magnum of prosecco which is £12 in costco (and tastes nice), then regardless of whether I was invited to the wedding or not I would give a card and a voucher.

You could buy her a wedding gift regardless of whether or not your invited? I know it's slightly different but I've had a few people who've RSVP'd no to my wedding also ask for the guest list.

I would do it the other way around. Give her a token engagement present and buy her a lovely wedding present regardless of whether or not you are invited. The engagement is just a party, whereas the wedding is for the rest of their lives!

The guest list Sonders? Maybe they are not going because if who else is on there... ;)

I agree with a bottle of bubbly as an engagement present - more than enough imo.

Without sounding harsh, an engagement is no guarantee than an actual marriage will happen!

She knows I'll understand if I'm not invited. When she told me she was being ruthless I told her to go for it and spend money on a photographer instead so she could have lovely physical memories for her wall and kids the engagement party is her way of compensating for the small wedding, she's pretty popular so will have a lot of people who want to celebrate with her.

I'll definitely be getting her a nice gift - but I am convinced I'm not being unreasonable to limit it to just the one with a token for the other event.

Great! Have fun!

You don't need to buy a gift at all FFS! Just take a 'congratulations on your engagement' card.

Another idea for token engagement present is a wedding planner notebook. You always have so much to write down and samples to stick in pockets etc.

This one is personalised and only £10 inc delivery.
www.madebyellis.com/birds-wedding-notebook-personalised

If you're going to do a token gift then the engagement is most appropriate. I agree with a bottle of fizz and a card, it's really all that's needed.

I think it would be unusual to do a big gift for engagement but not wedding. It just doesn't seem the right way round to me.

A really lovely and not too expensive wedding gift is a handmade paper cut with their names and wedding date ,,, people sell them on eBay

Normally I would agree with what chocolate just said, but this doesn't sound like the usual engagement party / wedding set up as the engagement party will be a bigger affair than the wedding. I think, in these circumstances, a present for the engagement party and a token on the day is fine too.

Some lovely ideas!

I know I don't need to buy a gift however, I want to, thus the dilemna. However it seems like there isn't really a 'correct' way which is great! I can't lose